If your child takes Karate.....situation inside that needs opinions

JandBandB

My 5.5 y.o has ADHD and Severe Anxiety, as well as sensory and social issues.  

He is making amazing strides this year in K, and being on his meds (Zoloft and Adderal).  

We just signed him up for Karate.  I am usure how to deal with this situation that came up lastnight:

He is "low man on the totem pole" so he gets to be last at everything. No biggie.  He knows the rules for where the last guy (him) needs to be. Well, lastnight a new student came in, thus making my son second to last.  The new kid was VERY afraid and shy, so my son tried to help him.  He was disciplined by the sensai as the rule is NO TALKING in class.  He was just trying to help.  This happened many times during class. 

So here is my question:  My son has done extensive social skill training to learn to look people in the eyes, reciprocate during conversations, and be helpful to a friend.  When he was told to not talk during class, I could tell my son's anxiety shot up and he was very confused.  Yes...the rule is NO TALKING  and that YOU are responsible for yourself in class.  BUT..when we were in the car, my son wanted to know why he was in trouble for helping the new kid.  It was very hard to explain.  

The sensei knows my son has ADHD and anxiety, but does not know the extent.  I really want to talk to him about it, but my husband said that our son is LOVING karate and that I am enabling our son. I am the one that takes him before my husband gets off work, so I know how our son really feels. My son dreads going but once he is there, he does as he is told. 

Once our son is home, he is on edge and very hard to calm down.  Do I talk to the teacher?  Let it be?  

My hubby said "If he was playing baseball and someone  was having a hard time batting, would our son stop sitting on the bench to go help that kid...?  NO..the coach would.."  It's just hard to explain this to a 5 year old.

Advice.  Sorry for this being a scattered post...in a hurry to get my awake baby out of crib!  Thanks!  

sweetie0228

I agree with your husband.  Your DS will have to learn here are different rules for different situations.  The rules at Karate is no talking, rules at Grandmom's are different from home, and rules at school are different than home, etc.

I know as a mom it's all YEA!  my son is inertacting and using skills he's learning, but he wasn't using them appropriately for the situation.  None of the other kids were reaching out to the new kid?  Not because they are mean kids but they understood the rules in this situation was no talking.

Azaleya

My kid was absolutely TARGETED by the sensei as the troublemaker and we never discuss her issues with him.

He was on her like white on rice ALL THE TIME.  But she is learning some critical skills that she absolutely needs in life. She has changed and grown ==very small, incremental steps. She rarely gets disciplined now. She's a green belt star. She's on her way to blue. She has concrete accomplishments. She's overcome a tough situation that was a big challenge to her and managed her behavior. She's learned to put in effort. (She HATES putting in effort!!)

Sometimes I feel that he is unnecessarily hard on her but he is also a genius with kids and I honestly see so many positive changes in her since kindergarten.

We make her do it. I may sound like a terrible mom but it's sort of the only way she gets confidence in herself--to do things she doesn't want to do. There's a part of her that really is happy doing it but she hates the effort sometimes. All the parents tell me their kids are the same.

 Your son has to learn flexibility in new situations. Some situations require no talking, no helping. The more he learns this, the easier his life will be in the future. There are no absolutes. Our children have to navigate complex new situations all the time. 

 If you can get the sensei to sit down and explain the rules to him then that might be a good first step. Once he learns the rules he will come to understand that every situation will be different. 

To me, this is the best controlled situation for a kid to face challenges and structure in a new situation and have it not be cruel or mean but just a situation they have to navigate. And I get to watch and see she is OK and give her pep talks and so on. It was rocky when it started but I'm so happy we stuck with it.

About everything else I am super indulgent--so this is like a bit of a check on that.