Need a Little Support

Ziegeficker

Hello Ladies,

I am writing you all after a few weeks of contemplating whether or not to seek help from someone or something, be it medical or otherwise.  I am just a little lost and need some advice and support, and I apologize in advance that this is a little long.

A little background -- My son is 3 months old today, I'm a first-time working mom and live in a small town in WA with my husband with absolutely no family in the vicinity (we are from Texas but moved here for school).  My mom died somewhat suddenly of lung cancer in mid-August (I was 32wks pregnant) after being diagnosed just a week prior -- I had planned to come home to spend time with her once her diagnosis was announced, but I did not make it home in time.  My mom and I were on great terms, and she was so excited to meet her first grandson; I've grappled with her loss on many levels, but with being so busy with a baby, I don't feel like I even have the time to grieve properly.

Before I had Henry, I was worried about PPD because of my mom's death, but after he was born we had so many visitors in town to help out that I felt great and like I was handling everything well.  Christmas is about when the visitors began to taper off, and maybe not so coincidentally, that is when I noticed I was feeling incredibly sad most of the time.

In addition to all of this, there is a lot of stress being generated from my workplace.  While I was away on maternity leave, my company was acquired by another company, and aside from the obvious changes stemming from that, I came back to a completely different work dynamic.  I am butting heads with a girl who has far less seniority than I, but who is running around barking orders like she owns the place.  My supervisor seems to respond favorably to this kind of behavior, even though I've pointed out to him several times that she is overstepping her bounds and actually performing a lot of the work she does incorrectly and without questioning what she's doing.  Despite the many errors I've encountered in her work (she was filling in for me while I was on leave), my supervisor gave her a performance bonus that amounted to an entire week's pay for me but dispersed no bonus to me because I was out on leave.  A bonus of this nature has never been distributed in my six-year tenure at this company, and I have been told that it never will be again.  I am the most experienced person in my department, and yet I suddenly feel like I am becoming irrelevant and that my work is not valued. I'll be honest, work has never been terribly important to me, but I'm a little stunned at how feeling useless at work is affecting me.

The point about all of this is that I have a lot on my plate right now, issues that may or may not affect my overall well-being without hormones being involved.  I have a baby who doesn't sleep through the night (pretty normal, I'm sure, but if I hear one more story about a baby younger than mine who is STTN, I might snap), nor does he nap, so I'm pretty sleep-deprived even though my husband is great about helping out in the MOTN. When I wake up in the morning to start my day, I feel nothing but dread for having to head into a workplace that I feel undervalues my contributions, especially since I am so freaking exhausted, underpaid, and have to drop off my little one at daycare to be there. 

I am having a hard time discerning whether or not this is actually related to PPD or if this is just several different stressors coming to a head.  I only started work again in mid-December, so it's possible I'm just readjusting to the new routine, but I'm having a really hard time reaching out and talking to anyone or asking for help.  I don't know where to begin.  Has anyone out there experienced kind of a delayed onset of PPD?  Or even if it's not PPD or related to hormones at all, can you speak to how different treatments have helped you cope with the stress of being a new parent?  I feel like these are issues I would talk to my mom about, but she's not here, and I just feel lost.

Thanks for reading. 

firegal195

i would say to talk to someone.  i know how you feel... my mother passed away a few years ago right b4 i got married...and i was okay doing my daily routines until i had ds...it was like something just went off.  i still feel the same way everyday i dont know how i keep going.  and i feel bad for dh bc i dont want to complain to him all the time (and hes great).  but i would get help..just to have someone be objective.  gl!!

tbone_bride

I agree, definitely talk to someone.  You can start by talking to your OB, even just call the office and ask for a referral to a good therapist.  Or call your insurance company, many offer mental health services.  Or the hospital you gave birth, many have PPD/PPA support groups for free.

I saw my OB this Monday and I made an appt with a therapist for next week.  Just talking about it with my OB made me feel a little better.  

Hang in there and I'm pulling for you, for all of us