Not happy but nothing I can do about it (vent)

Ginlyn0

So my brother's FI (I need to figure out what to call her besides that) is moving on with her life far too quickly IMO. She moved out from my sister's where she has been staying since he passed this past Saturday and into a new apartment. She changed her status to single a few weeks ago. She has talked about my sister's nephew (really my BIL's) multiple times to me in almost like she is interested in him because he is frequently at my sister's house where she had been staying. Now in the past few days she keeps friending all these guys and posting things like "love catching up with old friends." Since she has been like close family for 7+ years and calls me her SIL, I had her marked as a close friend and would get a notification anytime she posted since I like to see pics of the babies. I had to undo the notification thing because it was making me sick but then DH just brought it to my attention that she posted something today about planning a trip to the beach next month and goes on to say it's to "meet up with an old friend" and sure enough, one of her new FB friends is a guy in this location.

I get that people grieve differently but she seriously, hasn't even figured out how to be a single parent yet and my brother was the primary caregiver of the kids when he was alive. My sister told me last week that she was worried about when she moved out on her own because my sister and BIL have been taking care of the babies because she is FB or texting the entire time she is home. My sister said it was going to be rude awakening for her to be alone with the kids.

Makes me sick....I know part of it is because I'm still grieving. I keep thinking about that whomever she ends up with will be the dad to these babies because they are so young. Unlike my 3 older nephews by my actual SIL, because they are old enough to remember my brother and know who their dad is.

I'm also torn in the sense that I really like the FI and she is like a SIL to me but I feel like I can't call her that anymore if she can move on so quickly from my brother because I feel like it's disrespectful to my brother. I haven't mentioned my feelings on this to my mom or sisters because I like the FI and I hate that I feel this way towards her right now but it really upsets me. I wonder if my sisters feel the same but yet I don't want to talk badly about her, KWIM?

For all the reasons I love FB for keeping up with people I care about, I also hate it.

Littlejen22

I totally get where you are coming from and totally agree that she is acting all sorts of inappropriate. But between their complicated situation and bad choices to begin with added grief and the fact that hedge was not the caregiver to her kids and lost that in your brother, I am not shocked that she is trying to make herself feel better with new men. I think you need to decide if you have enough of a good relationship with her and want to risk losing her friendship and the connection to her kids and tell her you are concerned about her. I wish I knew the right thing to tell you. And I am so sorry you are going through all this.

SimpleJane

I think you are completely justified in feeling the way you do. You loved your brother and it feels disrespectful. I would be hurt if I were you, but I would not say anything to her. It will just cause hurt feelings and perhaps close off communication between you two, and consequently your neice or nephews. She would likely be defensive if you mention anything.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. As my Dad always says "Nothing like death to bring out a persons true colors." People move on too quickly, hurt feelings, fight over inheritances, custody, property, ect. As if it isn't enough to deal with losing a loved one, there is usually still some kind of extra drama surrounding it. Hugs.

twister22

I think I would feel the same way you do. People do grieve differently, and I would be devastated if a future SIL moved on from my brother's death so quickly.

How close are you two? Do you hang out with her on a regular or semi-regular basis? (I'm sorry I can't remember.) If you do, I would maybe say something the next time you hang out. Maybe try to casually bring it up in conversation, and see what she says.

socloudy99

She is probably trying to fill the void she is feeling with your brother passing. She will find out other people won't fill the void and she will have to grieve the loss. Since is seems like her last few interactions with your brother were tense she probably has a ton of guilt with how the last days together went.

I'm not trying to defend her and I understand how you feel but she seemed very dedicated to your brother before he passed. Hopefully you guys will be able to get past this, help each other grieve, and keep your brother memory alive with the small children. GL!

hisnhers

I agree with PP that everybody deals with grief differently, and have seen it before that a woman who just lost a lifepartner feels so empty and alone they seek solace from other men (whether it be platonic or not). I do also agree that I would also view it as disrespectful, when looking at it from your pov, and would have a hard time not to judge.

Personally, I would stay close to her just to make sure the babies are OK and looked after, and be in a position to be able to raise the red flag and step in if need be.  

  

Ginlyn0

Update, last night after that post about going to the beach there were some comments back and forth with her and a friend that was a girl. Then the guy that lives where she said she is planning on going starts commenting and they are fliriting back and forth. DH is not so subtle and is sort of bold in some ways so he just posted "wow." She then makes a separate post saying she thinks everything happens for a reason and God puts people in lives to help them through the bad times and she knows how short life is. I changed the rest of my settings to not show any posts of hers in my feed, yet someone how I still get stuff showing up when our mutual friends comment on it. I don't want to have to block her, really I don't because I'm sure eventually her behavior won't get to me but I just don't want to see it right now. I guess I can't fix that though.

We don't have a super close relationship, but I would say it's about as close as any of my sisters or sister-in-laws. She does my hair since she's a stylist and sometimes we go to a movie, ect. together, besides that we see each other at family functions basically. We text each other pics of the kids, ect. I wouldn't however feel comfortable telling her I think she needs to slow it down. I just have to step back from her for now I think for my sanity. I will most likely only see her around birthdays, ect at this point because I can't accept some "replacement" guy right now.

Thanks ladies for your input. I know it is hard for me and her and I guess that's why it's frustrating. People do things differently and I can't even imagine flirting with other men this soon if something happened to DH and she and my brother were technically together longer than DH and I (but by just a few months).

Phantomgirl

She is where she is and she will do what she will do.

On the other hand you have to look after yourself in all of this Gin.  You are grieving and hurting and seeing this must be excruciating.

There really is nothing you can and it would be horrible if you fell out with her and didn't get to see the kids.

Blocking her from your feeds is a good idea and hopefully over time you will come to care less about her and be able to focus on the kids and your relationship with them.

Her ability or inability to cope is no reflection on your brother and the wonderful memories you have with him.  Try to focus on those.

In the mean time hugs!!!

CFjo2010

Phantomgirl:

She is where she is and she will do what she will do.

On the other hand you have to look after yourself in all of this Gin.  You are grieving and hurting and seeing this must be excruciating.

There really is nothing you can and it would be horrible if you fell out with her and didn't get to see the kids.

Blocking her from your feeds is a good idea and hopefully over time you will come to care less about her and be able to focus on the kids and your relationship with them.

Her ability or inability to cope is no reflection on your brother and the wonderful memories you have with him.  Try to focus on those.

In the mean time hugs!!!

All of this, especially the hugs.

Gin, I cannot imagine how hard all of this is on you.  My thoughts and prayers are with you, as well as her and the children.  Everyone is having to deal with so much right now.  I sincerely hope that she is able to find some peace within herself to fully grieve and heal in a way that doesn't negatively impact her relationships with you, the family and the kids.