No longer a SAHM

Linzala12

We currently have a 4 year old daughter and this summer I went back to work for the first time in 4 years. It was the best choice for our family finacially as well as emotionally as she had seperation issues. I am feeling guilty about not being able to stay home more then my allowed time with our second baby. My mom was a sahm till I was in 1st grade(Im the youngest) and I have always wanted the same for my kids. I was blessed to be able to stay home as long as I did with our daughter. It just makes my heart sink that baby wont get the extra mommy time. What can I do to not feel so guilty?

ridesbuttons

Time.

Time will help with the guilt.

brewcitybride

Just remember, a lot of people on this board WANT to work.  I get what you mean, though - my home stayed home with me and my brothers, and my DH's mom was home, too, while he was growing up, and you think that's the way it should be because that is what you know. Honestly, I LIKE working and providing for my family and I like seeing my children grow and thrive in their daycare and/or with the care of relatives. It's a win-win for us - kids get to be more independent from Mom, and Mom gets to be adult in real world and make money and have a career, which I always wanted.

You will find your footing. I stayed home one year with DD, and with DS I was home 3 months, so I thought he was losing out - he is not! He is wonderfully happy and social and I love that both of my children love new atmospheres and new people. Some of my friends who stay home, their kids freak out anytime Mommy leaves their sight! I feel like I am giving my kids a head start in the real world, and giving them the tools they need to be independent from Mom and Dad. Also, I make sure they get extra snuggles and we do lots of fun things together, like vacations and going to museums and out to eat, exploring the world! Remember - quality over quantity!

MammaBear81

I focus on the positives.  I was never a SAHM, but I did work PT, and was able to take DS1 and DS2 to work with me.  I have to work FT now (for financial reasons) but I think about the fact that we have a wonderful house, the kids get to do activities like swimming, gymnastics, soccer, dance etc that we could never afford if I stayed at home.  Working gave us the opportunity to be able to afford more children (an eventually an addition on our house), and although I am not one of the moms on this board that WANT to work, I would rather have my 5 children and a house any day over 2 children cramped into a small apartment.

I've also learned no to compare each child's experiences.  DS1 and DS2 went to school 3 mornings a week, DD1 is now going 5 mornings a week.  The other children didn't "lose out" on anything, it was just different.

cecilyandgautam

I think once your LO starts daycare, makes friends, and you get to see the fruits of your decision - like making progress on your financial goals and maybe your LO will sleep better when she starts daycare (mine sure did!) - I think you'll be at peace with it. Right now it's all kind of unknown because you haven't done it this way before and it's easy to imagine all kinds of scenarios but I enjoyed daycare and preschool as a kid, my daughter clearly loves going to her DCP more than staying home with us on weekends, so once you see it & live it for yourself, you'll know whether you've made the right decision. 

tiredmamma

I'll be returning to work next month after being a sahm for 3.5 years, I have DD7 and DD3. I'm already having he same guilt, but I think socially and educationally it'll be the best thing for DD3 to be in all day preschool. DD7 will stay after school with the boys and girls club and she'll have her homework done and be able to play with her friends, which she isn't complaining about!  By going back to work, I'm already planning all the fun stuff we'll be able to do as a family! I also think that going back to work will good for me! Staying home has definitely had its positives, but I need a little more structure!

 

KL777

I think you will just have to give yourself some time to get use to the new adjustment. I SAH with DS for his first 3 years and it was an adjustment for me when I went back to work outside the home.

Don't feel guilty! You have to do what's best for your family---which includes making sure that your financial concerns are taken care of. Be sure that you find a great childcare provider for DC #2

rubber_chicken

LibraryChica:

Like PPs said, focus on the positives and don't compare experiences. Your second child isn't losing out he's just having a different experience. Change is hard, but it will get better with time. Welcome to the board!

 

THIS.  It's not possible for two individuals, even if they're siblings, to have the exact same experience.  Even if you stayed home, they wouldn't have the same experience, because one will always have an older sibling, and one will always have a younger sibling.  There are pros and cons to working vs sah, so you just gotta do what's best for your family at the moment.

cchill01

rubber_chicken:

LibraryChica:

Like PPs said, focus on the positives and don't compare experiences. Your second child isn't losing out he's just having a different experience. Change is hard, but it will get better with time. Welcome to the board!

THIS.  It's not possible for two individuals, even if they're siblings, to have the exact same experience.  Even if you stayed home, they wouldn't have the same experience, because one will always have an older sibling, and one will always have a younger sibling.  There are pros and cons to working vs sah, so you just gotta do what's best for your family at the moment.

100% this.  My Mom SAH until I was in high school. DH's Mom worked and he was in daycare from 12wks.  We are both well adjusted, productive members of society.  Did I get a few more beach days - probably? But, I also probably ran more errands and sat around while my Mom cleaned the house.  

lovebug33

One choice we made because we have to work is that when we are with DD, we are with her. We cut out a lot of extras and miss some things so we get to have one on one time with her. That helps my guilt a lot!

rachboston60

Guilt is normal.  You'll fall into a routine soon.  

I always pat myself on the back when I think about all the things I'm doing: I'm good at my job, AND I'm a good mom.  Two things is better than one thing, right?!    

Good luck with the transition.   

cindybaf

I wouldn't worry about it. Some moms work after the first is born but then sahm after the second, so whatever makes most sense for you is what you need to do. The second child won't know what life with a sahm is, so don't make it a big deal and they won't know the difference.