Family just expects to be there during delivery?

Erinm278

We were talking to H's family about the baby and my MIL, SIL, and BIL all made comments about being there during the birth.  I was shocked.  I don't want ANY of them there during the birth!  I told them they can wait in the waiting room and they looked almost offended.  I though MIL was going to cry.  I don't know how to communicate my feelings on this with them without upsetting them, but I don't want to have people in there during delivery.

How did you talk to/do you plan to talk to family about delivery and whatnot?

I also don't want tons of people coming to the hospital right after the baby is born because I wasnt bonding and quiet time.  They all expect the whole damn family to be there.  What should I do?

PrimRoseMama

Lay down the law. Your baby, your vag, your delivery, your way. Sorry. Sometimes you have to be direct. Try to be polite, but ultimately it could be a "too many cooks in the kitchen" type situation. 

The most sneaky solution is to not tell them that you are in labor until baby is here.

Honestly, in your situation where they are presuming that they are allowed in there then I wouldn't even tell them I'm in labor.  

CarlaAndJames

Make your husband deal with it, it's his family. Otherwise you come off looking like the b++chy daughter in law.

 

Married071709

I;m having the same issue.  MIL really wants to be to there for the birth (and everything for that matter) but I'm thinking more and more about it and I want it to be a little more private.  We are doing an unmedicated birth at a birth center and I want my focus to be on birthing and being relaxed, not worried about who is in the room, OMG who is looking at me naked, etc.  I know its not going to be a pleasant conversation especially since I said I didn't care before I was pregnant.  I do care now.

Also, we went through IF so everyone was involved with our reproduction and I kind of want this a little more private.  I also want quiet, bonding and sleeping time.  I want to be able to establish breastfeeding without distractions.  

No advice but I feel the same. 

Liz4444

You just need to tell them straight out.  ILs never asked, but I made it known that DH and my mother were to be the only ones in the room while I was in labor and only DH while I was pushing.  If they question you, have your husband tell them that's the way it's going to be. 

Just because someone expects something, doesn't mean that's the way it's going to happen.

babyrossman

PrimRoseMama:

Lay down the law. Your baby, your vag, your delivery, your way. Sorry. Sometimes you have to be direct. Try to be polite, but ultimately it could be a "too many cooks in the kitchen" type situation.nbsp;The most sneaky solution is to not tell them that you are in labor until baby is here. Honestly, in your situation where they are presuming that they are allowed in there then I wouldn't even tell them I'm in labor. nbsp;

THIS!!

notreallyirish

Often the hospital won't allow more than 2 other people in the room during delivery. They literally get in the way. You can tell them this whether your hospital has this policy or not.

I also agree with pp that your H needs to talk to them and give them a reality check. That many people at once, whether right after delivery or later during your hospital stay, is overwhelming. You need to bond with baby, yes, but you also need to physically recover.

I had a big group come after DS was born and they were laughing and joking and it physically hurt me to laugh, so I was miserable the whole time they were there even though they were friends.

weaslewam

My rule of this is that if anyone wants to be in the room that didn't help get you pregnant... you have to have the opportunity to stare at their junk for 10+ hours while beating them with a pipe so they're in agony.

taniady

CarlaAndJames:

Make your husband deal with it, it's his family. Otherwise you come off looking like the b++chy daughter in law.

 

I agree with this! I think you can say what you need to say in the nicest way possible so you don't offend them, but the rest is up to hubby. At the end of the day whatever you want to happen, will happen. As long as you and hubby are frank with them from the get go, I wouldn't even worry about it until that day comes. Best of luck with your situation and pregnancy!

Roets01

I had a very similar problem with my 1st child.  I didn't want anyone to know I was in labor at all.  It's a personal preference and my OB and nurse both told me that in their experience that people in the waiting room can increase the odd of a c-section because the mother gets really stressed out.  I am that kind of a person so I didn't want anyone at the hospital and didn't want to risk uninvited guests.  My MIL and BIL expected to be at the hospital and when we said no they were VERY upset with us.  Yes, they were upset and your family will probably be to.  But no, you are not being selfish, they are.  They should respect your wishes and put their feelings aside.   Did you MIL have an audience for her childbirths?  my guess is no.  YOu don't need one either.   Sounds harsh I know, but I hate when people force themselves on others.

Elinetrouwt

PrimRoseMama:

Lay down the law. Your baby, your vag, your delivery, your way. Sorry. Sometimes you have to be direct. Try to be polite, but ultimately it could be a "too many cooks in the kitchen" type situation. 

 

This. And it counts for the visiting after the birth too. Some hospitals don't allow more than one person (partner/mother/sister/friend) in the delivery room. Discuss the hospital policy with your OB-GYN. Make your wishes very clear to the midwives/nurses/other hospital staff, so they can gently escort any unwanted visitors, during or after the birth, out of the room.

I also agree with the PP who said that your husband has to be firm on this as well. Discuss with him first, hopefully he'll agree, and let him tell the inlaws that the both of you have decided that close family is welcome after the birth, not earlier.

My MIL is a midwife, in a hospital in a different town though. At first DH was asking me if I wanted to deliver there, I refused. MIL is totally cool about it, though. 

arlingirl

weaslewam:

My rule of this is that if anyone wants to be in the room that didn't help get you pregnant... you have to have the opportunity to stare at their junk for 10+ hours while beating them with a pipe so they're in agony.

greatness.

I don't understand why anyone thinks they need it deserve to be there (other than DH). Maybe I'll change my mind, but highly doubtful.

GL OP with your family.  

fabk

I foresee this problem with mil's. I will be telling them that there is only 1 person allowed in the delivery room with me. I will be arranging for my mom to be here to look after our dog.

We live 6-8 hrs away from both our families so I think I will just have mh tell them they can come up about a week later. I don't like having lots of visitors when things are busy anyways, and my il's stress me out so I do not want them around when I have a newborn coming home from the hospital.

kt012885

Holy crap- yeah I'd just have your dh tell them that you guys want it to be private between you two.  Why would they wanna be in there?

I def see where you are coming from too on everyone coming to the hospital- I have the same worries but I know everyone is so excited- so I cant blame them.  Just let you and dh have your alone time however long you need then go with your family first coming in and then his family?

I'm mainly concerned about the whole family coming to the house all the time afterwards.  My parents live 3 blocks away and my inlaws live a block from them...so guess we'll always have help.  Try and not stress about it too much and let your dh know how you are feeling. 

Stina2012

I'd talk your expectations over with DH so you're on the same page. Since you've laid down the law once, just let DH continue to repeat it. Also, I have heard the nurses make excellent bouncers! Tell them who can be in the room at what time and who cannot and let them boot people out of there.

ilovemyducks21

Ya, I foresee this problem with MIL too. DH and I have talked about it and are definitely on the same page, it'll only be the two of us in there. I don't know your situation, but in mine at least my mom isn't going to be there either and I've already talked to her about it and she was totally cool with it. So that'll help in dealing with MIL by saying "well, my mom won't be there either, we aren't singling you out."

Honestly if MIL asks, we'll both tell her that it's something that we just want the two of us to experience together. I'm expecting tears too. I'm definitely not going to go the route of not telling her we're in labor. We'll tell everyone who needs to know, but the nurses will know no one else is allowed in the room during delivery or efor a couple hours afterward. That's our plan, we'll see how well it goes though .

luvmyducks

You just have to say it.

Most of my family already know I can be a biitch if needed, so they didn't give me trouble.  I just told them I only wanted DH and my doula in the room (and I ended up having 2 of my sisters to take pics and video it), and that I didn't want to be bothered for a while after.  I told people they could text us with when they wanted to come visit and we would tell them then if it was a good time or not.  And then we would give them the room number.  I just said it numerous times and people respected my wishes.  We only had a few visitors at the hospital and we were there for 4 days since DD had to spend a day in the NICU. 

klyann

You have a right to decide who is in the room and who is in there afterwards too.  Your DH will need to help you out with this.   You can also communicate to the nurses as well.   Check with the hospital on visitor policies as well.  In ours the labor floor is locked and has a phone and a passcode.  So visitors can't just come in.

And no one says you have to alert them as soon as you are in labor.  Wait to call them until after baby is born.

jrosehistory

My hospital only allowed two people in the delivery room and they were really strict about it.  My husband and my Mom were the only people in there when I went into active labor and started pushing.  They will be there again for this little one as well.  When I was not in active labor only two people were allowed in at one time and my nurse was really strict about that.  My MIL and FIL came in to see me for a little bit when I was not in active labor but they did not stay long.  My hospital also made sure that no one was allowed to see us for two hours after my daughter was born so we could have quiet bonding time.  I had her really late at night so everyone was gone anyway.  The next day I only had around 2-3 visitors and everyone else waited a couple of weeks to visit us so I could heal and adjust to our new baby.  I would check with your hospital on their policy during labor/delivery if they are like mine they will be strict on visitors during this time.  This is your labor/delivery so don't allow anyone in the room unless you want to see them and let your nurse know as well she is there for you and your baby.  My nurse was amazing and protected me at all times. I am hoping I can get her this time as well.

 

MRads

I know that this will be an issue with the ILs. I have already told H that he is the only one allowed in the room.

As for the hospital, I'm going to encourage that they not come to the hospital until after delivery, but that is a lot harder, because it is a public location. They will not be allowed in the room, though.

JenniferAhlhorn

I would ask the hospital how many are allowed in the room. Usually it's only one allowed. But that is what you can tell them. Good luck

Kitten80

I apologize if I end up with a partial & then complete post - my mobile bumping is being wacky.

At my hospital, only 2 people were allowed into vaginal delivery and dad into non emergency c sections.  Check policy, it may help you out.  Before my LO was breech, I had told DH we weren't calling until baby had arrived because I didn't want them all hanging out in waiting room (it would have been all ILs).

Maybe discuss it with DH and you can both set the ground rules with them.   I never get  BILs or FILs etc wanting to be in delivery.

pepomntpat

You just tell them No. Simple. THey can be upset all they want, but that is not your problem.  Personally I just wouldnt' tell them until after LO is born.

I'm excited we are on number 2 so everyone will just be at our house taking care of Ro and they'll come visit when she is up the next day. My DD will dictate everyone else's schedule.  

MrserinJ

Honestly, I really don't think you owe an explanation to anyone. They're ridiculous for assuming they'll be there.

My MIL, FIL and 2 BIL's came to the hospital when I was 4 cm with my first son. MIL kept asking DH if she could come in and visit. I flat out said no. It's not the visiting time and I didn't feel bad about it. They stated there all day and waited to come in.

With my second son, we nade it ckear that we would let people know when we're ready for visitors. MIL was texting within an hour but we stood firm and let them come later that day. I wanted my first son to meet his brother first and to have done family bonding time. I didn't care at all if they were offended. I really don't feel like its anyone else's business.

This time, I think I might forgo hospital visits all together unless I'm there for longer. I was there for not even 24 hours and it was so busy trying to nurse, do paper work, bond, get stitches checked, etc that there's really no point. I'm fine with then coming to meet baby later but I really don't think there's any need to have a crowd. JMO though! I don't think you need to explain anything, just flat out say no and they should get it!

Hilaboo86

My MIL said the same thing. I just cannot fathom the thought. Her daughter has two children, she should have been in te room for her daughter.... But not me! Ill be looking at the advice others give you to solve my problem!!

OSUJaydee

My hospital only lets two people in the delivery room at a time, so it may not even be an option for your ILs to be there.

I'm an introvert and really need my space so I knew that I probably did not want visitors. My friends understood and stayed away (though they did call) and my family understood and stayed away. DH tested the waters with his family before the birth and they hit the roof about it. So DH didn't call them until after the baby was born so they had no idea I was in labor. We plan on doing the same thing this time around, even though it will make them mad. I wish it didn't have to be that way, but the ILs don't understand boundaries, so you've got to do what you've got to do.

Im sure they aren't trying to be mean, they are just excited about the new baby. But you are the on doing the hard work so I think you can set the rules up the way you want. 

Erinm278

I really appreciate all the input.  I agree that I need to just lay down the law (after discussing it with DH).  I want DH and my mom in the room.  I want my mom there because she is in medicine and I always feel more comfortable when she's there for anything medical.  I don't want people out there waiting.  You're all right, it's not a show!

I will talk to DH about my feelings.  I also get anxiety easily with a lot of people around and I don't want people there touching the baby right after I have given birth.

blairwitch

While I wasn't a fan of this...DH used HIPPA laws to his advantage. He told no one when we went up...and informed the nurses station that we are not here. Once every thing had settled he lifted that and people started calling...a little mad since no one knew if I was alive or dead but we had our privacy. I didn't like freaking people out but that's what he wanted...no audience and time alone.

Carrie3102

I had this same issue and I flat out said no.  I told DH to pass the word along that no one but him would be in the room but him, and we wouldn't be entertaining visitors until the second day. 

MIL had SIL call DH and badger him about how his mom was crying that she wouldn't be there for the birth of "her" grandbaby.  I got on the phone and said, you know, you had your children the way you wanted.  You raised them the way you wanted.  This one is ours.  We will do it how we want.  We decided we want this time to just be us, because after this we will have to share her with the world.  For that 24 hours, she is only ours.

She pretty much said she'd show up whenever she wanted.  I alerted my OB and the nurses, and they told me they wouldn't allow anyone until I gave the ok, and that they wouldn't even alert me that they were there. 

Turn of events however squashed our plans.  My mom got breast cancer and was going through chemo.  I had DD on a Monday at 1:46 am (chemo day) and mom wouldn't be able to see DD for 48 hours after chemo.  So, we called our families and said we'd entertain visitors in the morning (for my parents that meant 6 am, because chemo was at 9 and my dad had to be at work by 7).  So we asked that MIL come around 9.  She and SIL were there at 6, and tried to hog the baby from my mom and I had to have them removed from the room by the nurse.  They then stayed all day and did not leave until 7 pm.  -- This story is much longer and entails MIL trying to grab my boob to "help" me feed DD... ugh... I hated that day.

Never again.

I say stick to your guns, and don't worry about being the b*tchy DIL... who cares, not their baby.  As long as DH is on board, then you have nothing to worry about.  They'll get over it if they want to be a part of their grandchild's life.  

radiant05

Thankfully we live in a different state than either of our parents. Up to the day we delivered MIL insisted on being the first person she called when I started to go into labor. We just ignored it and brushed it off. I knew that it would be way too much pressure having people know that I was waiting to have a baby. I didn't want the phone calls or texts. It would have stressed me out. We had a plan that we would call them when I was progressed far enough that there was no turning back and the baby would be coming shortly. Even with the short notice we were contacted several times. I didn't like the spotlight or attention. Next time I will just wait until the little ones arrive to make the call.

We had lots of visitors in the hospital and I think that I'll cut those out next this time around. Everyone wanted to hold the baby and I was just plain exhausted. I had no time to rest and recover or even bond and get used to things. I'm really going to be more selfish about me and my family this time around. I don't feel like I need to put on a show for everyone else.

KikiCohen

My rule is: If you weren't there when the baby was made, you're not going to be there when the baby comes out.  Except medical professionals of course lol

I also don't plan on letting family in the room until we've have enough time to get all cleaned up and bond with the baby.

smcfall

There was no room for more ppl in the delivery room when I had DD except DH. I had two doctors at one point, my labor nurse plus another, a few nurses and pediatrician from NICU since I was early, and the person in charge of my epi. Even DH had trouble getting to DD to get a picture so I could see her since they were working on her the minute she was born.
Even IF I had wanted more family with me it wouldn't have happened. Just have DH tell them it's just you two and if they can't respect that you won't even tell them when your in labor.

new2011mommy

I think you need to tell your DH that you will call them when you are ready for visitors. I could not imagine having anyone in the room except my DH during labor. When it was time to push, DH held one leg and the nurse held the other. You are completly on display. I also would not want anyone in the waiting room since labor takes a long time. I was in labor for 8 1/2 hours and would have been stressed about people waiting that long. Everyone knew we would call once we had the baby. We called our parents as soon as all the doctors and nurses cleared out of the room. The nurse told me I would be in my room by 8:30am so our parents came at 9am. It gave me a chance to clean up and be settled.

sparkymcgeee

Thankfully my family isn't like that but I can for sure see my MIL being that way. She lives very far away though. If she didn't I would just be blunt and let her be hurt. Say something like, it's an extremely private moment between me and my husband. You would never want to be there while we creating this child so we would appreciate some privacy while we bring this child into the world. I hope you can respect our wishes.

StarshineR

I'm not even sure I want my husband there, but if he wants to be there, of course, I'll "let" him. I told my Mom that, and she was shocked. lol.

She mentioned she wanted to be there in the room with me, and I said, "ehh, I'm not sure I want anybody there."

She said, "well, XYZ will be there!!" (my husband)

I said, "eh. I don't know."

Shocked Mom: "I can't believe you said that!"

Me: "well, you know, back in the day, the father just paced the waiting room with a cigar" (I was trying to make light of it)

She scoffed at that, and then we changed the subject. lol.

To me, it's his baby, too. If  he wants to be there, then he can be there, and maybe at that point, I'll need/want his support, anyways. I don't know how I'll feel the day of. As for the rest of the family, they seriously don't need to be there, and it strikes me as one of those embarrassing moments in life when your nakedness and fluids and grossness is laid bare.  I kind of don't want my family to see me in that state. My Mom is very protective. She'll want to be with me just because she'll want to take care of me and make sure I'm ok. I don't need her there, and if I need someone to take care of me during labour, that's my husband's job. I think ultimately she'll be ok with whatever I want. 

What you should do is just tell them your wishes and expect them to respect your wishes. Be nice about it. If they start to cry or get upset, give them a hug and explain that this is just how you feel and they'll have plenty of time to spend with the baby soon.

You can always say that they can visit the nursery on their own when you aren't there (say, you are resting in the hospital), but that you yourself would prefer to be left alone for a while. I think they should be able to see the baby if they want, and visit the hospital so long as you are left alone. The hospital is a public space after all, and the baby would be out of your body, so they should be allowed to see it so long as you aren't disturbed in the process. When you're awake, they'll have to just wait, now, won't they? 

Take care. Everything will be fine.