New low: Jealous of MCs

jmlind

I've gotten to a point where I'm actually jealous of people who had miscarriages. I just check out the PGAL board and it seems so nice to have only had a few weeks of attachment. That's how sick I am. It doesn't make sense!

My baby was completely healthy and growing normally, why did he have to die??? I just can't get over it and no matter how hard I try, I just can't feel better. Even DH is starting to get frustrated with me and saying it's time to move on. It's like no one gets it

starburst0928

I forget when your loss was, and how far you were, but I think what you are currently thinking is all part of the grieving process. I had the thought too but it was just temporary, and I'm sure yours will be too. 

As an interesting side note, a loss group I went to was all miscarriages but me. Guess what a mom said to me? THEY were jealous of me! I thought seriously, you wanted your full term baby to die and come home to an empty nursery after bonding with your son for 41 weeks?!?! I guess it goes both ways... 

What we're going through really sucks, and it just takes time. I'm sorry DH is getting frustrated with you. Do you have anyone else you can talk to? I think the best things for us to do is talk, especially to other loss moms. 

ETA: I can see your ticker now! Ignore my questions  

fluttergirlmoonchild79

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.  What you're going through is normal though.  To this day, I have thoughts that even scare me.  Like every time I see/hear someone announce they're expecting my initial knee-jerk reaction is "well I'm sure their baby won't die!"  and I hate myself for thinking that.  We have a couple that we're very close to.  They had their son really, really, really premature (like in the NICU 202 days premature).  They were told he had a 9% chance of making it.  He's going to be 1 in like 2 weeks.  As much as I love them and all I can't help but get angry and say "he wasn't supposed to make it, mine was!  why?!!!"

You will "feel better" in time.  Really, it's more that you're learn how to incorporate your pain into your daily life.  As far as your DH, the 1-3 month point with your spouse is really difficult.  Men and women grieve differently and I've noticed that the 1-3 month point is typically the point when men seem to get better and then get frustrated with us because we're not moving forward.  One of the greatest pieces of advise I heard from loss parents IRL is to be patient with each other.

Wishing you peace and love

Kris721

PG mentioned: 

 

 

 

I think it is very normal for you to feel this way.  When I got pg I prayed to God that if I was going to lose this baby too, to please make it an early m/c.  The thought of having another full term loss is terrifying to me.  Now I am 35 weeks pg, just on pins and needles.....i had an early loss too prior to the birth of DD (who is now 3) so I have seen both ends of the spectrum.  Both losses were tragically difficult but my full term loss was absolutely devestating.

jbranden12

((HUGS)) I think it's totally normal. My daughter was completely perfect and no cause could be found for her death. I have had days where I wonder what it would have been like if we had a miscarriage instead. Or even if we had suffered from infertility for a much longer period of time and she never existed. Sometimes I feel horribly guilty for thinking like that, but I know it's normal. In the end, I don't wish she never existed. If I'm wishing for things, I wish she didn't die.

mandi195

I, too, think what you're feeling is normal. Losing a baby is always difficult, regardless of if it is an early miscarriage or full term loss. I can only say that in time you will slowly start to heal. When I had my first miscarriage it literally took me years to be able to even talk about it without being hysterical. It affected me so much; I was so angry; and I felt resentful towards anyone who hadn't been through what I had. I felt like a cruel person, cold, and knew that having animosity toward those who didn't lose a baby was not helping me heal, but I couldn't help it.

Now, going through my second miscarriage, my emotions are different.. but it's still difficult. I don't think you're "wrong" so to speak for being jealous of those who miscarry. In a sense, I'm jealous of those who simply cannot get pregnant; while they, too, suffer, at least they never have to go through the devastating loss of a child as I have. Yes, I think I'm twisted sometimes for thinking that way, but sadly I do feel that way sometimes. I wish I didn't. I wish I could not feel like some of us have it "worse" than others; when in reality we all suffer in these situations. 

I with you peace and healing. So sorry for your loss. I hope you find someone to talk to (outside of your "normal" support circle) to help you deal with your feelings. Best of luck to you.

jess123456

You are not alone in feeling this way. Having experienced two miscarriages before losing my daughter I can say that all experiences are incredibly difficult but yes very different.

Grief is a twisted process of ups and downs and a roller coaster of emotions and sometimes I wonder where my crazy thoughts come from. For me, bitterness and anger are really very much present now four months after losing my daughter. I find myself angry at people who see completely ungrateful for their children which I know is ridiculous because who I am to judge but deep down I know that it's just part of the grief process.

Bayberry12

I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my daughter at 39 weeks after having one early miscarriage.  In the weeks after my loss I can clearly remember wishing that I had had another miscarriage instead of carrying her for 9 months and delivering a baby that would never take a breath.  

What you are feeing is completely normal.  It's not sick at all.  It's hard to accept what you are going through, it's all part of the healing process.  It's hard on your husband too, just in a different way.  I would also recommend  looking into a support group, it really helped my husband understand that everything I was going through was normal, and you don't really "get over" this, you just learn a way to live with it.        

 

starburst0928:

 

As an interesting side note, a loss group I went to was all miscarriages but me. Guess what a mom said to me? THEY were jealous of me! I thought seriously, you wanted your full term baby to die and come home to an empty nursery after bonding with your son for 41 weeks?!?! I guess it goes both ways... 

Starburst, I can't believe that anyone would be jealous of this!  That is insane.  I would not wish this kind of grief and heartbreak on my worst enemy.  I guess I understand that they were jealous of the fact that you carried a baby to term, and that is just what they wanted, but nobody wants to be the mother of a dead child.  

mcarter127

I have also been through 6 early losses before DS1. While it was definitely a very sad time for us, it does not even compare to the agony of a later loss. There are so many other emotions that come with a later loss, having a d&c is not even on the same planet as having to hold my son as he died, knowing there was nothing we could do. I may be a *** for saying this but when someone tells me "oh yeah, I know how hard that is, I had a m/c before" it makes me livid!!! I feel like it trivializes my loss... I know it's not right but its just the way it is. Going through the loss of a child changes you. That is why this group is so great, we can say things we are thinking without having anyone think we are completely screwed up & judging us!