Saturday SS and I were home alone and we had a really good chat about his birthday. He told me that he wanted to do a sleep over with his cousins at our house Friday and that he is super excited about getting his new phone. That's what he is most excited about as his friends got them for Christmas.
He said he is upset about the cinema plans as he already told some of his friends and he gets invited to other parties. He told me that he did not know why BM changed her mind about bringing him but first she agreed and then she told him to 'tell your dad to bring you' but then his dad said no.
He said that when he told her that DH said no she said 'tell him if it is to much hassle for him to organise I will drop the kids to the cinema and he can bring yous in'.
SS said that he did not even tell DH this because he knows it is not because it is to much hassle and that it is because we already have plans. He told BMK this but she ignored it. So now SS is just confused.
I told him that I felt really bad about the whole situation and that DH and I really wanted him to have a good bday. I told him that DH would call BM and they would figure it out and come to an agreement. I asked him if he would prefer the phone or the trip to the cinema from us but that we could not do both. He choose the phone.
I told DH and he said he would call BM Sunday night as he knew it would end in a fight as she will not take no for an answer and he did not want SS witnessing it like last time.
So Sunday we drop SS home and that evening DH gets a text from SS phone
'hi dad, can you please bring me and my friends (it listed 5 friends) for a pizza and to a movie on Saturday evening. This is what I want for my birthday. Thanks'
We had just spent $100 on a phone after we dropped him home that day.
Also we were certain that the text did not come from SS.
DH was angry so he decided it would be better to just text BM rather than call her and also to have a record of it. He text her 'can you please stop sending messages to our house through SS, it is not fair to put him in the middle like that and he is getting hurt. You are aware of our plans for his bday so if you have any questions please call me. Also do not text me off his phone again'
5 minutes later DH got a reply from BM sister who they live with. ''BM' had nothing to do with the last text. I typed it but it's what SS wants. He wants to go to the cinema with his friends and I just don't understand why you are making such a big deal out of it. He doesn't really ask you for much so its the least you could do. I can't believe you won't do this one thing for him it's so sad.
DH replied ''C' this is none of your business so please stay out of it and do not text me off his phone again'
'C' replied 'Actually it is my business, he is my nephew and he lives with me so I actually spend more time with him than you do. You are a useless SOB...you do nothing for him... you never did... I feel sorry for you... (the text was really long but I am giving you the gist) She then ended it with... Since you pay very little maintenance the least you could do is pay for his party BUT don't worry 'BM' will pick up the tab for this as well... (inset few more insults)
DH replied 'Stop texting me. I am saving these texts and if you do not stop I will report you for harassment'.
DH is going to call SS today after school to talk as he was probably there through all of this.
So there you have it. We knew all along it was because BM is p!ssed about the court case and CS. BTW we have no doubt that BM was also there yesterday.
DH is fine today because he is used to fighting with BM but I feel sick to my stomach. I hate all this agro and I especially hate the feeling that somehow we are contributing to bringing SS up in a hostile unstable environment.
Then the other side of it is... I thought SS how to make pancakes on sat morning, watched a movie with him, hung out, chatted openly with him, got him a phone he excited about and have a sleep over organised. Why do I feel like crap???
Uggg!
Re: Text war - long!
I'm sorry you feel awful. Sounds like you had a great weekend with him.
I think your DH's intentions were good to keep SS from witnessing the conversation,but it sounds like you and DH are the only ones who care about that. If he is going to converse or text with BM, nxt time do it while SS is with you, tht way BM can't use his phone, and DH can step out or be away from SS while the dialogue happens.
The other option is tht when a pseudo txt from SS comes in to rehash stuff, DH could just text BM directly and say it's already been discussed and he won't discuss it any further.
Wow! I can totally get behind how you feel as I've felt the same. I hate having conflict. I hate that my stomach turns when Dh's phone bings that a text message has come down, just wondering what sort of insult is coming now.
How grossly inappropriate of her to put SS in the middle of all of this, and not only that, pretend to be him in order to force the issue. Does BM have a personality disorder? I ask in all seriousness.
My hands were shaking last night through all of this and I was really upset and questioning if we were doing the right thing or if we had some responsibility in this. I did not sleep well at all.
Its such a horribly feeling and I was dreading the next text. DH friend text him late last night and I could feel my heart speed up.
This.
Phantom, BM and her sister are real pieces of work. You know, DH knows and definitely SS knows that you both love and care about SS' best interests. It's so unfortunate that BM and her sister feel the need to lash out and bring up the CS issue. I cannot imagine how SS feels or will feel when he discovers that his aunt pretended to be him and text DH from HIS phone. To me, that is the worst part of all this. That is such a betrayal and breach of trust. I mean really, who DOES that? That type of behavior from a teenager wouldn't really surprise me, but from an adult it's just disgusting. Normally I would never condone a child locking his phone and not disclosing that pass code, but it seems like SS needs to be given permission to do so.
No matter what ends up happening, I hope SS has a wonderful birthday. He definitely deserves it after all this crap.
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I get really mad when BM puts SD in between her and us. That is my pet peeve. Once she asked SD to talk to us about driving her home. BM knows this is a hot button issue between us, so there is no way she should have brought SD into it. We just told her that we would talk to her Mom about it and she shouldn't worry about it. She would get home no matter what.
I'm sure in the end SS will enjoy his phone. He did make that decision. Don't worry yourself so much about what BM and her sister think about you and DH. Just worry about SS and what is best for him (which sounds like exactly what you have been doing). I know that is easier said than done, though. (((hugs)))
Job - what kind of adult? A school teacher! BM sister is a school teacher, nice right!
Jen that you for the hugs. I feel like I need them!
Anytime! Did DH get a chance to talk to SS?
DH tried to call yesterday but he got no answer, which is not unusual as SS often does not switch on his phone.
DH then sent him a text saying 'hey tried to call. Just wanted to confirm that I will see you as usual on Friday. Your cousins are looking forward to seeing you. love dad xxx'.
He didn't get a reply last night but maybe he has by now I don't know.
I very rarely post but this resonated with me. I too get shaky and upset at all the drama. BM and her family not only text these things to DH, but copy the skids and DH's family (things like "You have hidden your alcoholism from your wife but we know the truth you SOB" or "you are not a father, you are a worthless loser and everyone knows it"). It is INSANE - it's like a text war on several fronts, and I swear there are some times I think I cannot breathe for all the drama. DH's family will blow up my phone when they cannot get through to him when these things happen, then the skids get on FB and all hell breaks loose. I am so sorry you are dealing with this - the only thing that helps me is focusing on our family. In our house, in these walls, we make decisions with and for the skids. When they are in their other home we cannot always protect them. I think when I can keep that in my head I tend to do better with the drama - for better or worse, these are the skids' lives, and while I may hate it there is a limit to what we can do, I don't want to have to go back to the doctor for early hypertension either....
What I am trying to say is - enjoy that SS is happy about the phone, the good times with him, the sleepover, and try to focus on the upsides and not let the insanity creep into your worldview. Good luck!