Blended Families

How to handle? Part 2

I emailed XH asking when his plans to move here had become more concrete and just inquiring about his timeline.

He responded saying that he had no plans to move here and had just resigned his lease. He's not looking for jobs. Basically there are no plans of any kind. So he's lying to DS to placate him. He did say he would try to better explain things to DS.

It seems that his idea of explaining things was telling him that since he'd just resigned his lease, he couldn't be here for at least 11 months. DS hung up the phone and exclaimed "he'll be here in 11 months!" 

I emailed XH again and said that DS still doesn't understand, and that it's upsetting him. His response was essentially "then you tell him."

Is there anything I can do here? I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall trying to get XH to understand that what he's doing is hurting DS. DS is starting to ask me a lot more questions about why XH is in CA and why he won't move here and why we can't move there. The truth is that XH chose to go. He just walked away. Ughhhh.

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Re: How to handle? Part 2

  • Well, I don't have a lot of experience in this sort of thing, but I would probably take the reigns on this one since dad hasn't made it very clear. Tell xh that you are going to explain to him that daddy can't move here right now even though he loves and misses him it just can't happen. I would tell xh to just back me up on that (sometimes guys are better at going along with a talk like that then being in full control) do you all have skype? If he could talk to him that way sometimes I bet he would get pretty excited about it.  Maybe you have tried to do this and he keeps giving him hope? Anyways yeah, have a heart to heart with ds, let xh know and to back you up. Good luck!
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  • I'd go with Skype, or with a call where all three of you are on the phone (speaker phone or whatever).  I would talk with XH just prior to this call and tell him again that it is not fair to get DS's hopes up and that you want things clarified, period.  Then get DS on the phone with the two of you and ask XH to explain again what's up.  If XH starts making fluffy/rainbows and puffy hearts statements about maybe coming in 11 months, I'd say directly "XH, when we just spoke you told me that you have no plans to move here, you are not looking for jobs, etc.  I am concerned that you seem to be explaining things differently to each of us and I want to make sure we both hear the same thing and are on the same page."  (Kinda giving him a "hey, tell the truth assshole" kick in the pants). 
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  • Thanks, ladies. I'll see if he's willing to say anything else. His last email kind of implied that he'd explained all he wanted to. 

    I don't think he's doing this maliciously, I think he just thinks this is the easiest way to deal with it. 

    my read shelf:
    Erin's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
  • Not sure if a joint skype call wouldn't turn into a train wreck. I think I would spare your son this experience. You are probably right that your ex is just done with it, he is obviously immature and selfish playing with his son's emotions like that. I would just try to help your son cope, keep reminding him that daddy is not moving back anytime soon, but he loves him. Then try to distract him with something that would cheer him up. I'm sorry your ex is so clueless.
  • How old is DS again? I would just leave it how BD left it. BD keeps saying he'll move back, but keeps pushing back the dates, and DS will soon realize that BD has no plans of returning. DS will recognize BD as the liar. 
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  • felles if you know he is not moving back then let it drop.  the more it is mentioned/discussed etc the more DS is reminded.

    Unfortunately he cannot make it through life without experiencing disappointment.  Just continue to be an awesome mom and he will navigate it just fine.

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  • twister: He's almost 8 (birthday is in a few weeks!).

    Phantom: Yes, we're definitely not bringing it up. DS asked some questions Saturday but I don't think it came up at all on Sunday. It has really died down a little each day since DS has been home.

    Towards the beginning of last week there was a lot of sadness and anger directed at me & DH. I just feel so helpless about the whole thing. 

    my read shelf:
    Erin's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
  • imagefellesferie:

    Thanks, ladies. I'll see if he's willing to say anything else. His last email kind of implied that he'd explained all he wanted to. 

    I don't think he's doing this maliciously, I think he just thinks this is the easiest way to deal with it. 

    Tell him it's fine if he doesn't want to explain anything else, and if he wants you to do it you will, but you want him to hear the actual conversation (via Skpe or speaker phone or whatever) so there's no confusion on what was said.

    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
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