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Blended Families
Handling 2 1/2 yr old sd help?
I have a beautiful 2 1/2 year old sd who barely knows me... :P My hubby is about to get joint custody, I am excited about getting to know her. The mother is pretty mad at the fact that hubby moved on and got married etc... but we happened way after her and I feel like she uses the sd a lot to make hubby upset. I try to be understanding of her situation, but I worry how sd will be around me because of this. Here are some questions I have, that may seem silly.... but I think too much lol
what do you do for family photos? wouldn't it be hurtful to her if down the road there were pictures she wasn't in? (and is mom going to get mad if she's in professional pics with us?)
How do we explain that she will be a big sister?
What are some ways I can build a bond with her without seeming like I am taking mom's place?
Basically, how can I be a good sm? I'm getting nervous she won't like me or something. :P I need some tips from other sm's. I'm over thinking it I know, I just want us to be a happy family and for her to feel comfortable and included.
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Re: Handling 2 1/2 yr old sd help?
For what it's worth, I am a mother of a 2 year old who is turning 3 in less than 2 weeks. H and I seperated in November and our divorce will be final in March.
I asked for the divorce, and I am intent on seeing it thru and moving on with my life. However, H - who tells me several times a week that he still loves me and doesn't want our marriage to end - has moved on, declared himself "single" already on facebook and has a girlfriend. He does not know that I have figured this out, but I am highly annoyed by this and went thru some emotions of jealousy, hurt, possessiveness. It makes absolutely no sense to me that I feel this way, but to be real honest - I do.
You need to realize that they have a child together and there will always be a bond of some sort. It's different for everyone and regardless of who is moving on, there's a connection on some level that's never going to go away.
Quit analyzing her, and trying to decide how she should act and feel. Regardless of how you feel about her, you should respect her as the mother. Work more on building a relationship with the mom and watch for opportunities where you can prove to her that you are not trying to move in on her kid.
With things so sensitive, I would be careful of what pictures you take with your SD. In that I mean, don't take on of just you, H and SD. Take on of all of you after the baby is born and all the cute sibling shots. I'd limit putting pictures of your SD on your facebook, and your DH should be smart about what he chooses as well. Just be sensitive to what she's going thru in this regard.
As far as getting along with SD. She's 2 1/2. It's really kind of hard to teach a child that young to hate someone. Just act normal, love her, be good to her, play with her, involve her in the baby stuff as much as a you can with a 2 year old and teach her the best way you can to be a good older sister, and person in general. Kids that age, like who they like. If you stress over the relationship, she'll pick up on it and react accordingly.
As far as being a bio-mom, I'll tell you what I think of and did when I heard H had a girlfriend:
I found out as much as I could about this woman. Turns out she's a mom of two adult kids and a grandmother. Loves kids. I'm told she has some issues, but that she has a kind heart and is great with kids. She adores her grandbabies who are DD's age, and she comes from a decent family. With that, I quit worrying.
I still hope however she keeps her distance with DD for now, because H and I are not divorced yet, and I hope H does not introduce DD to her until they are serious. I would be highly annoyed if the woman took over for H and took care of my daughter more than him. Which I know could be an issue - because of H's habits, not hers.
Its a fine line. I want my soon to be x's girlfriends to be loving and good with kids and care for my daugther with love, but be careful you don't act too much like "mom". Know your boundary.
what do you do for family photos? wouldn't it be hurtful to her if down the road there were pictures she wasn't in? (and is mom going to get mad if she's in professional pics with us?) We always include SD in family photos, she is a member of our family and we treat our children the same.
How do we explain that she will be a big sister? We told SD she was going to be a big sister and and talk to her about ways she could help take care of her baby. Talking to her like this made her feel included and gave her a sense of ownership if you get what I mean. We also made sure to give her extra attention. My SD was just about to turn 3 when DS was born.
What are some ways I can build a bond with her without seeming like I am taking mom's place? I took care of SD like she was my own. Family traditions I wanted to start for our family, I made sure to include her in. I planned fun trips to the zoo, the park, the beach. When she wanted to tell me about stuff she did at her moms I always acted excited for her. It just happens. You just love her.
She said it perfect.
I agree with all of this. She is part of your family so include her like you would any other child. My DH had a ds in a previous relationship, we take pictures but I make sure to take lots of pictures of just the two of them. I am cautious about what I put on FB to ensure BM doesn't feel like I am invading any of her territory. There are pictures of all of us at different locations and I make sure that we put up pictures in our house of 'our' family.
The best thing you can do is be consistent with your SD. Have the same expectations of her as you would your own flesh and blood. If you set up structure and expectations at your house then she will see you as another adult who cares and loves her.
GL!
My SO's daughter is 2 and the good thing is at 2 years old as a PP said kids like who they like, the other parent can't really influence the kid not to like you very well, but if you seem stressed or nervous or something around her she will probably pick up on it. My SO and I do not have any other children but we treat her just like we would any other child in our house. We have never done professional pictures but in general if we go somewhere she is in the pics with us, like when we went to see christmas lights, got to the zoo etc and I usually always try to get a few pics of just her and her dad. He and I also put whatever pics we want on fbook, but we have BM blocked on our facebooks so she does not see them anyways.
I am pretty sure BM does not like me, although I can not say for sure, and although the divorce was not her idea she and she got pregnant by someone else within one month of their separation, I can still understand why she does not like the idea of me and why she would be angry/upset/hurt about SO being with me. When they split up the idea of having an intact family and raising a child together and things that you just kind of expect to be able to have/do when you have a child with someone got taken away and that sucks. And when your ex is with someone new in a way it kind of feels like there getting to do all that stuff you thought you and he would do together and to add to it there doing those things with "your" child. To be honest I do not like BM and she has made mine and SO's lives difficult but I do feel for her, so try not to judge her and just be civil and hope your relationship will improve.
I am sure you and SD will do great and congrats to your husband for getting joint custody, my SO had to fight for 50/50 but it was totally worth it and LO is very happy getting time with both her parents.
I wouldn't worry about fitting your SD into every picture. But professional pictures or big event type things (ie, Christmas cards or whatever) should include her.
It sounds like you are already pg? I would just tell her in a way that is fun for her. Don't expect that she'll understand. Don't get your feelings hurt if she's not happy or excited.
You build a bond with her by being a stable, loving presence in her life. My daughter is nearly 3--we watch Cinderella, I paint her nails, we put together a puzzle or have a tea party. You don't need to do big things. Try to introduce her to things you enjoy or things you think are special. If you find you step on mom's toes somewhere, try to be understanding and back off. If you find you step on mom's toes everywhere, then I think mom is going to have to grow up.
And what do you mean she was going to abort? Was she in a clinic and he begged her not to and she only didn't because of his wishes or she considered it as an option but decided that she wanted to love and raise this child? The fact that she considered abortion and chose not to does not make him and his new wife better than her which you are clearly implying.
I didn't read it as OP implying that she and DH are better than BM. I interpreted it as her explanation as to why DH and BM are no longer together and to establish the timeframe of when the breakup occurred.
OP, ditto what PPs said. Professional photos and holiday cards need to include everyone, but understand that there will be candid shots that SD may not be in. I have several photos of DD that DS and K aren't in, and several photos of DS that K and DD aren't in. It happens. All you can do is try and balance things out by having photos of just SD around. Try and incorporate a lot of photos of SD with DH and photos of you and DH with SD.
The most important thing you can do as a bio parent or stepparent is make sure children feel included and loved. Try and create your own "thing" with SD: going for walks, movies, arts and crafts, etc. Special activities will really help you bond and develop a relationship.
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what do you do for family photos? wouldn't it be hurtful to her if down the road there were pictures she wasn't in? (and is mom going to get mad if she's in professional pics with us?) SD should be included in family photos - meaning professional ones and holiday cards. I am assuming you are already pregnant, so I would not be getting family photos of you, DH, and LO w/o SD - that would be hurtful. Candid shots you do not have to worry about always including SD if she is not there. If your H gets some custody, he won't have SD 24/7. That doesn't mean you have to put away the camera just because SD isn't there. You're a BF, that's their reality.
How do we explain that she will be a big sister? I agree with what Cole said.
What are some ways I can build a bond with her without seeming like I am taking mom's place? You love her and take care of her like your own while recognizing that she is not your own, if ykwim. Being a SP is hard.
Might I add, those of you who are in the reverse role (BM) what are some things you would appreciate about your child's step parent? DS does not have a SM, but I'll say some things I would appreciate. I would want SM to love DS and treat him well, but I would want her to respect that I am his mom and not try to fill that role. I would not appreciate if a SM told DS to call her any version of 'mom,' as that is not her place. I would also want her to take a back seat in regards to letting BD have his own voice. If you try to "take over" for YH and insist on when you should have SD and things that should be done it will be obvious to BM - she knows how YH is and will see right through you trying to be his voice.