Already a little scared of father-in-law's intrusiveness

LC827

I'm 21 weeks pregnant today with my first baby.  Both of my parents have passed away and I think some of my apprehensions about having a baby without the support of my own parents is starting to get to me.  My husband and I just returned from visiting his dad out of state for the holidays, his mom passed away when he was a teenager.  So my father in law will be this baby's only living grandparent.  FIL said, while we were visiting, that he'd like to get to know the baby and would like the baby to also "know him" and have memories of a grandparent.  That's great and all, but he suggested coming to town and staying for an extended time, like three months or so, after the baby is born.  I'm just starting to have anxiety about this already and I'm not even due until May!!  (Hormones maybe??)  He's very nice, but he's unbelievably hard of hearing and his mental processing has definitely slowed down.  He's 82 years old, though he's in good shape for his age and very mobile (he's one of those older folks that plays sports, if you can believe it!).  I know my husband feels similar to me, that his father will not be much help and will probably just be getting in the way when he comes to visit.    

Does anyone have experience with something like having to put down boundaries with your family after your baby was born?  Or have you already put down boundaries even though, like me, you haven't had your baby yet?   

Eastie156

I think if it were me, I'd let him come. He's 82 and he just wants to know his grandchild. I'd think you'd want that too, especially knowing he's the only grandparent alive. He's not going to live forever, cherish it.

rubyredlucy

Three months is a long time for anyone to visit, especially right after giving birth to your first baby.  If you're going back to work after the baby is born, that would be your entire maternity leave. 

What about a two week visit, about a month or two after the baby is born so you are a little more used to new baby.  Honestly, your kid will not remember grandpa at that age regardless of how long he stays, so the trip would be more for grandpa than baby.  And he should have time with his new grandkid, just not three months.  Look at it this way- you'll have another set of hands to hold the baby when you and your husband need a nap.

My fil and his wife came to visit for a week in October.  We're not very close and DH and FIL don't always get along, so I dreaded this visit for weeks beforehand.  We live in a small 2 bed condo and the baby had to sleep in our room for the week because the nursery is also the guest room.  But the week actually went well; I was able to get things done around the house because they wanted to hold DD constantly, and they were pretty respectful of our routine.  I don't think I could have handled more than a week, but it went better than I expected.

Good luck!

camedowncrushing

There is no way I would let anyone stay 3 months with me! Ha ha ha. It just wouldn't happen. In particular there is no way I would want anyone staying with me right after I had DD. I am a person that very much values personal space. 

I understand that your father in law is elderly.  If it were me I would just say that you will schedule a visit once you feel like you have a grasp on things.  That way there aren't any definite plans, and you can decide when you are ready.  Then schedule him to come for whatever amount of time you are comfortable with.