What are your thoughts about Time Outs?

TunaTown

Are they B.S.

Have you used time outs for discipline? What were/are the results?

What do you find the most effective approach?

We recently started using this techniche (LO is just over 2 years old), setting the timer for 2 mins. She seems devestated when put in a time out. But do they really work? Back in my day, my parents would have just smacked me if I didn't listen or got out of line.

I'm not posting and running - I need to step away from the computer for the moment, but I appreciate all your feedback. I'll check the thread later this evening.

TIA. Talk amongst yourselves.

aglenn

That kind of time out doesn't work well for DD.  I have heard it works well for some, but what works better for her is to send her to her room until she can calm down and is ready to apologize.  (Her room is small and has minimal toys/books, so that helps).  Being in a corner somewhere tends to exacerbate the anger and bad attitude, and I think it helps her instead to retreat for a minute and get herself together.

shadypines

Somedays it works.. Somedays not. DS can be in the timeout chair and be happy as a pig in mud. It's trail and error with us. We do not use a timer. I rarely used time out with our oldest one. Also, I do get down to his level while he is sitting and speak to him very sternly or sometimes we turn the chair around to not face the room. Again somedays this works and somedays he is over there sing and playing with the air... uuggh! I need a drink!

EastCoastBride

I've never done TO's.  They just aren't something that I feel DS would really respond to.  But the only other option isn't to smack your kid either! There are a ton of other ways to discipline.

I use 1-2-3 magic.  I give him choices as much as I can.   We talk about consequences.  He throws a toy?  The toy is put away for the rest of the day.  He won't go upstairs?  I pick him up and carry him (kicking and screaming!).  He won't eat his dinner?  Then he gets no dessert.  The list goes on.  we try to find natural consequences for what he's doing. 

kcisthebombdotcom

I don't think there's a "most effective approach". I think every kid is different and what works for one doesn't work for all.

Theoretically, I buy into the whole positive discipline thing, which to sum it up briefly dismisses the use of any sort of punishment system and encourages parents to find natural/logical consequences to teach children how to behave appropriately. While I've personally found this effective, I'm not naive enough to believe that this approach works for every child every time.

I don't think time outs are bad given that the child is old enough for them/they're being used appropriately. A parent isn't putting a 12 month old in time out for 10 minutes or something I wouldnt agree with but otherwise, meh.

JerkStore213

yesterday i tried my first "time out" which was hilarious. i have a questions: how do you get your kid to stay in the time out spot? here's how mine went - i restrained a screaming 23 month old by holding him down in an arm chair while getting repeatedly kicked in the neck and headbutted.

i kept thinking to myself, "self, i'm not sure you're doing this right. something about this seems like it's not working."

MirandaHobbes

At 2 years DS was too young to understand. At 3 years it was probably still a bit too difficult, but we would put him in his bedroom and let him scream. At 4.5 he understands, but we rephrase what a TO is. If he's not listening, acting snotty, or just in general starting to have a meltdown we calmly tell him that he can be sad, but he has to do it in his room. Most times he'll suck it up quick and stop and we'll avoid the "TO." But sometimes I'll have to lead him into his room where he'll sit on his floor and cry or whatnot. I'll tell him he's free to come out when he's done being sad. He'll usually cry for awhile and then either come out or just forget about it and start playing with toys. So I guess it's not so much a TO as it is a "cool down" technique. If he deliberately misbehaves he's more likely to lose TV privileges.

etude de la vie

EastCoastBride:

I've never done TO's.  They just aren't something that I feel DS would really respond to.  But the only other option isn't to smack your kid either! There are a ton of other ways to discipline.

I use 1-2-3 magic.  I give him choices as much as I can.   We talk about consequences.  He throws a toy?  The toy is put away for the rest of the day.  He won't go upstairs?  I pick him up and carry him (kicking and screaming!).  He won't eat his dinner?  Then he gets no dessert.  The list goes on.  we try to find natural consequences for what he's doing. 

this is what we use. 

EVA116

SouthSideDrea:

We will try time outs at 3, but right now there would be no putting two and two together, and frankly, no understanding that he needs to sit in the step for 2 minutes.  I think 2 is too young. 

This is how I feel. There is no way she would understand a time out right now. I just try and redirect and ignore her tantrums.

JerkStore213

EVA116:

SouthSideDrea:

We will try time outs at 3, but right now there would be no putting two and two together, and frankly, no understanding that he needs to sit in the step for 2 minutes.  I think 2 is too young. 

This is how I feel. There is no way she would understand a time out right now. I just try and redirect and ignore her tantrums.

this is what i end up doing, and i'm never sure if it's the "right" thing to do or not. i just kind of try to wait him out. and if he hits, which he does on occasion, i just look him in the eye and tell him hitting is not good. and then in my head i'm always like, "wtf am i doing? is this stupid? does he even get what i'm saying?"

kcisthebombdotcom

JerkStore213:

EVA116:

SouthSideDrea:

We will try time outs at 3, but right now there would be no putting two and two together, and frankly, no understanding that he needs to sit in the step for 2 minutes.  I think 2 is too young. 

This is how I feel. There is no way she would understand a time out right now. I just try and redirect and ignore her tantrums.

this is what i end up doing, and i'm never sure if it's the "right" thing to do or not. i just kind of try to wait him out. and if he hits, which he does on occasion, i just look him in the eye and tell him hitting is not good. and then in my head i'm always like, "wtf am i doing? is this stupid? does he even get what i'm saying?"

When my kids were young and hit/bit, I would put them down immediately, walk away to somewhere they couldn't follow me, and ignore them for a minute or two. I'd go back and resume playing after that time was over. If they did it again, I repeated the same process. After a short time they made the connection between hitting/biting and mommy ignoring me and walking away and they stopped.

Lotsofloveandkids

We don't do timeouts but we do a cooling out period. It works well for us. 

ByeBabyBunting

We've been doing TO's since about 18 months. They started them in daycare at about that time so we figured if it works for them we might as well try it. He has understood what it means from the beginning, and he hates them. A lot of the times I only have to threaten him and he complies. He gets them for hitting and kicking or doing something dangerous, but that's about it. We'll have weeks where we don't have to do them at all and then we'll have weeks where he is getting multiple time outs a day. 

zeldadoggo121

I tried time outs and it didn't work. LO thinks he can do whatever he wants and then he puts himself in "mout" briefly.

ridesbuttons

I've never really used them.  I guess I tried with DS1 when he was 2ish but it didn't make any difference.

Now I will use a 'go cool off in your room for a few minutes' or similar when behaviour is becoming an issue, but we don't call it time out and there is not a set time.  The time is how long it takes you to get a grip on yourself.

Funny, with DS2 the counting to 3 thing worked(s) every time.  DS1 couldn't give a crap about counting but sending him to his room is just awful.

Lilywildcat

I just wanted to add that in my experience, what works for one child may not work for the other. Time outs worked well for my DS, even at 2 years old, but not for my DD. Time outs do not work for her, i spend more time picking her up and putting back on the time out spot than the timeout is actually supposed to last. What works well (for the time being anyhow) is putting her in her crib.

Wufroggy79

Until your child can sit still and actively reflect on what they did wrong, I think you're wasting your time.

missyishere

Wufroggy79:

Until your child can sit still and actively reflect on what they did wrong, I think you're wasting your time.

My DD is 15 months.  I honestly never even considered putting her in a time out.  Usually when she's crabby and acting out, it's time for a nap or she's teething.  I would say this is the case 99% of the time.

kcisthebombdotcom

mbenit4:

KC_13:

When my kids were young and hit/bit, I would put them down immediately, walk away to somewhere they couldn't follow me, and ignore them for a minute or two. I'd go back and resume playing after that time was over. If they did it again, I repeated the same process. After a short time they made the connection between hitting/biting and mommy ignoring me and walking away and they stopped.

I don't like this approach only because I needed them to learn quickly that you do not bite. Not if I bite, mommy walks away. No, you don't bite anyone at anytime. Ever. I needed an immediate consequence. We did a stern - No, you do not bite. An immediate time out. After 2 days, no more biting.

I'm confused how losing attention isn't an immediate consequence? When kids first begin to bite, they're doing it as an experiment to see what happens. If you show them that biting=loss of attention (and a toddler is an attention seeker by nature) its an immediate, logical consequence to the behavior. For my kids anyway telling them no, don't do that drew more attention to the behavior and made it more desirable especially in that 9-18 month window.

It worked in less than a week--it didn't take months to sink in.

kcisthebombdotcom

mbenit4:

KC_13:

mbenit4:

KC_13:

When my kids were young and hit/bit, I would put them down immediately, walk away to somewhere they couldn't follow me, and ignore them for a minute or two. I'd go back and resume playing after that time was over. If they did it again, I repeated the same process. After a short time they made the connection between hitting/biting and mommy ignoring me and walking away and they stopped.

I don't like this approach only because I needed them to learn quickly that you do not bite. Not if I bite, mommy walks away. No, you don't bite anyone at anytime. Ever. I needed an immediate consequence. We did a stern - No, you do not bite. An immediate time out. After 2 days, no more biting.

I'm confused how losing attention isn't an immediate consequence? When kids first begin to bite, they're doing it as an experiment to see what happens. If you show them that biting=loss of attention (and a toddler is an attention seeker by nature) its an immediate, logical consequence to the behavior. For my kids anyway telling them no, don't do that drew more attention to the behavior and made it more desirable especially in that 9-18 month window.

It worked in less than a week--it didn't take months to sink in.

Pump your brakes, I didn't say you way wasn't any immediate consequence -  it was. I needed them to know not to bite anyone. You don't get second chances on it. Another child isn't going to turn away and ignore your child and then everything is ok. Again, I never said your way wouldn't work but you are at home with yours. I didn't want mine being the biter at daycare. Mine have been out of the home since 6 weeks and 3 months respectively. 

It also didn't take months to sink in over here. 

The no biting mom also translated into not biting other kids/adults either. I don't think a one year old has the logic that "well if I bite mom and it results in losing attention maybe I can bite some other kids and get away with it". At the time the kids went through their biting phase I was working part time and the kids were in daycare 2 days a week.

kcisthebombdotcom

mbenit4:

BTW KC, your nesticle is pretty.

I dont know what a nesticle is ( ), but thanks!

kcisthebombdotcom

mbenit4:

KC_13:

mbenit4:

BTW KC, your nesticle is pretty.

I dont know what a nesticle is ( ), but thanks!

The green block under your SN and avatar. 

haha sweet! it's pretty sad to be a top 500 contributor without grasping the basic rules of the site. lol

TunaTown

JerkStore213:

yesterday i tried my first "time out" which was hilarious. i have a questions: how do you get your kid to stay in the time out spot? here's how mine went - i restrained a screaming 23 month old by holding him down in an arm chair while getting repeatedly kicked in the neck and headbutted.

i kept thinking to myself, "self, i'm not sure you're doing this right. something about this seems like it's not working."

The first time we tried the time out, she'd try to get up, and I would firmy plant her bottom back in the time out spot.

Maybe there's a difference they way LO handles a time out based on gender?....boys you pay for it up front, and girls you'll pay for it later?

TunaTown

KC_13:

JerkStore213:

EVA116:

SouthSideDrea:

We will try time outs at 3, but right now there would be no putting two and two together, and frankly, no understanding that he needs to sit in the step for 2 minutes.  I think 2 is too young. 

This is how I feel. There is no way she would understand a time out right now. I just try and redirect and ignore her tantrums.

this is what i end up doing, and i'm never sure if it's the "right" thing to do or not. i just kind of try to wait him out. and if he hits, which he does on occasion, i just look him in the eye and tell him hitting is not good. and then in my head i'm always like, "wtf am i doing? is this stupid? does he even get what i'm saying?"

When my kids were young and hit/bit, I would put them down immediately, walk away to somewhere they couldn't follow me, and ignore them for a minute or two. I'd go back and resume playing after that time was over. If they did it again, I repeated the same process. After a short time they made the connection between hitting/biting and mommy ignoring me and walking away and they stopped.

We only started TO to help rectify the hitting/biting occurrences.  But last time, DH put her in a time out b/c she wouldn't listen about NOT touching the ornaments on the Christmas tree. About the fourth time of not listening, she broke a glass ornament..and then she was placed in time out.

At the end of the time out, we ask her if she knows why she is in TO - two out of three TO's she responded correctly ("I hit" or "I bite") when asked. So, she "gets" it.

 

TunaTown

Thank you for the feedback, everyone.

I think we'll continue to try this TO thing for hitting/biting and repeat offenses for not listening. I need to do some research on other discipline approaches should TO stop working. But she's a pretty good kid (I am very lucky). 

kcisthebombdotcom

TunaTown:

KC_13:

JerkStore213:

EVA116:

SouthSideDrea:

We will try time outs at 3, but right now there would be no putting two and two together, and frankly, no understanding that he needs to sit in the step for 2 minutes.  I think 2 is too young. 

This is how I feel. There is no way she would understand a time out right now. I just try and redirect and ignore her tantrums.

this is what i end up doing, and i'm never sure if it's the "right" thing to do or not. i just kind of try to wait him out. and if he hits, which he does on occasion, i just look him in the eye and tell him hitting is not good. and then in my head i'm always like, "wtf am i doing? is this stupid? does he even get what i'm saying?"

When my kids were young and hit/bit, I would put them down immediately, walk away to somewhere they couldn't follow me, and ignore them for a minute or two. I'd go back and resume playing after that time was over. If they did it again, I repeated the same process. After a short time they made the connection between hitting/biting and mommy ignoring me and walking away and they stopped.

We only started TO to help rectify the hitting/biting occurrences.  But last time, DH put her in a time out b/c she wouldn't listen about NOT touching the ornaments on the Christmas tree. About the fourth time of not listening, she broke a glass ornament..and then she was placed in time out.

At the end of the time out, we ask her if she knows why she is in TO - two out of three TO's she responded correctly ("I hit" or "I bite") when asked. So, she "gets" it.

 FWIW, I don't mind when people use TOs for violent or serious offenses, but putting her in TO for touching the tree wouldn't be something I'd do/agree with. You should have moved glass ornaments out of her reach--that was your bad, not hers. Kids at 2 greatly lack impulse control and a tree with shiny lights and bulbs is incredibly difficult for a child to avoid exploring.

Manateearmz

I realize TO's before 2 are taboo. With that being said, when DD misbehaves she gets removed from the situation and put in a TO spot for roughly 30 seconds (or however long she sits there). Whenever I get her she pats my face says "sorry, nice" I tell her I love her and we move on. It works wonders for us.