Thinking about adoption

thefarmchick

I've written on here a few years ago but now that we are 100% unable to have anymore children we are more seriously talking about adoption.

We actually would love to adopt an older girl 4-15 from the foster care system.
Has anyone tried to adopt an older child with young children in their home?

I have had multiple people tell me, including a DHS worker, not to try to adopt an older child until our children are much older. That older children have had too much trauma in their lives and could potentially take it out or act it out on younger children who don't yet have a voice.

While I believe that there are cases like that, wouldn't the child we adopt be suited to our family? There has to be a young girl out there that is mostly emotionally stable and just wants a forever family. We live on a farm, have a great support system, and lots of love to give.

The other kicker is bedrooms.  We will be moving into a 4 bedroom home sometime in the next 5 years but right now we only have a 3 bedroom home.

Does anyone know the space requirement per child for bedrooms? The older child would share with the youngest.

 We are not looking at adopting a child right this second but need to decide if we #1 meet the space requirements, and #2 is it even feasible to adopt with 3 young kids already here?

Dr.Loretta

There is a vocal contingent of people who believe in preserving birth order, for a variety of reasons. I'd look into that to see what their reasoning is and if it's something you agree/disagree with.

That said, there are people who adopt out of birth order, and simply address the issues as they come up.

I'm a little confused by your second paragraph. How would you really know the child you adopt would be suited to your family? There may not be a full history on the child, and you may find things out after they're part of your family, not before. i'm not saying every child in the foster system is going to pose a danger to you or your family, but there are simply no guarantees as far as knowing their past history.

I would talk to someone in your DHS office about the space requirements, etc. I'm sure they have to have some sort of basic list of requirement so you know if you could meet them.

GL

DaisyZH

We have been strongly discouraged from adoption from foster care at this time for the same reasons that your DHS worker gave you.  We have an 18-month old son, we were also encouraged to wait until he is old enough to be a good communicator and only then to pursue adopting a child younger than him. (They did not come right out and say it but I got the feeling they were thinking at least school age).

As far as space, we have a 2 bedroom home so the kids would need to share.  This would mean we would only be approved for boys, and we were told that preference was given to people that had a separate room for children already in the home and foster children. Again, I believe for the reasons your DHS worker gave you.

All that being said, technically we could be approved, they are just trying to be honest with us and let us know how it works in this county.  Our county has very few children in care, and are able to be selective about it's foster/adoptive homes, which is very good really for the kids.  I would think you would meet space requirements, and I think as long as your youngest is over 1 you would be approved. 

Just take your DHS worker very seriously and read lots of books on older child adoptions.  Look for blogs from people that have adopted from foster care, especially older kids.  It really does work for some, it's just a lot to be aware of and prepared for.

smithpaint

Love your user name - I'm a farm girl! 

We have 5 young kids - ages 9 down to 2.  We are looking at international adoption.  The boy we are interested in adopting is 3 and has special needs. 

Not sure how foster care adoption would be.  An older child could be an issue with  your children being so young.  I don't think the home size would be an issue.  Two kids in a room shouldn't be a big deal - especially if they are both girls.  I think you probably could get approved,  and I hope things work out good for you and your family.  I personally though would be hesitant about adopting an older child from foster care.  Good luck with your decision.

thefarmchick

I was on BOTB, I'm still a dirty lurker over there.

You ladies touched on exactly what I was thinking but couldn't write. I did look it up and sharing a bedroom wouldn't be a problem. It's the other issues. 

I guess that's where life gets complicated.  We feel like we are not done growing our family. We feel called that there needs to be at least 1 more person in our hearts and home.  We can no longer have children(Uterine rupture) and we don't think we want to attempt an infant adoption. I'm not sure how to say it appropriately but I have been blessed to birth 3 children, I can't have any more and I don't need to go through the "baby" stage again it is so hard to be matched with an infant.

But we want another child, so what is the best way to actually go about it? 

I think the best opportunity for is really is to let our little one's grow up a bit and get through the "baby" stages with them, let them get into school and let us move into a bigger home and reevaluate.

Thank you for the candid responses!

12bailey18

thefarmchick:

I was on BOTB, I'm still a dirty lurker over there.

You ladies touched on exactly what I was thinking but couldn't write. I did look it up and sharing a bedroom wouldn't be a problem. It's the other issues. 

I guess that's where life gets complicated.  We feel like we are not done growing our family. We feel called that there needs to be at least 1 more person in our hearts and home.  We can no longer have children(Uterine rupture) and we don't think we want to attempt an infant adoption. I'm not sure how to say it appropriately but I have been blessed to birth 3 children, I can't have any more and I don't need to go through the "baby" stage again it is so hard to be matched with an infant.

But we want another child, so what is the best way to actually go about it? 

I think the best opportunity for is really is to let our little one's grow up a bit and get through the "baby" stages with them, let them get into school and let us move into a bigger home and reevaluate.

Thank you for the candid responses!

We are going the international adoption route for a lot of the reasons you mentioned. It might be something worth looking into.  

Jtaxson

We have a 4 yo and looked into foster care last yer. It was a 40 hr mandatory class to even file paperwork. Once we completed the class we knew foster or foster to adopt was not for us. ALL of these children have faced significant loss, most have developmental deficiencies and have been in unhealthy environments that are not safe, this is why they are taken away. They are not emotionally stable. It is your job to help them get on the path to healing, along with a very large team of people. Going through this training was so eye opening and helpful for us as parents. We are very close with 3 families that fostered to adopt 2 to 3 children, so we thought we were in the know on the subject. I encourage you to look into it, the classes are free, but all were mandatory, and it was great bonding time for me and the hubs.

Jtaxson

Jtaxson:

We have a 4 yo and looked into foster care last yer. It was a 40 hr mandatory class to even file paperwork. Once we completed the class we knew foster or foster to adopt was not for us. ALL of these children have faced significant loss, most have developmental deficiencies and have been in unhealthy environments that are not safe, this is why they are taken away. They are not emotionally stable. It is your job to help them get on the path to healing, along with a very large team of people. Going through this training was so eye opening and helpful for us as parents. We are very close with 3 families that fostered to adopt 2 to 3 children, so we thought we were in the know on the subject. I encourage you to look into it, the classes are free, but all were mandatory, and it was great bonding time for me and the hubs.

Also, there are a number of other programs you can start out with, like respite care for foster families that need a break or young adult mentoring, for kids that grow out of the foster system.