There is a reason it was a New Year's Resolution...

awesomenus1341

But I am still frustrated. We have only had a CO since the end of June of this last year. Prior to that, if DH wanted to see SS, it was under whatever circumstances BM decided for that particular visitation. Mostly it revolved around her work schedule and if it would be convenient for her to pick SS up, or if she was mad at DH, or if she had plans to go out with friends, etc.. And DH was a complete pushover. Fast forward to the CO, at first we said we would strictly go by the paperwork. Then one thing after another happened and we were more lenient (i.e. BM didn't have the gas money to come pick SS up, so we brought him to her...and then found out she lied about not being able to come get him; SS's cousin who lives with them had a birthday party on a day we were supposed to have SS, so we drove him 2 hrs back to BM's house to stay for 2hrs, then take him home, etc.). Then one Sunday we were going to be at my cousin's house for a party on BM's side of town (2hrs away). We didn't tell her exactly where we would be or why, but told her that we could meet her on that side of town to drop SS off instead of her having to drive to our place because we would be near by. She agreed. Then she forgot. And I guess she remembered when she was not too far from our house (2hr away), because she called screaming that we were supposed to follow the CO to a T and that she was about to be at our house and if we weren't there with SS by 6 (it was 5:30), then she was going to call the police, along with a whole string of insults and swearing. We packed up SS, left the party, and dropped him off at BM's house with her mother. Again, we said, no more compromises, follow the order to a T.

 

All was mostly well until the holidays (except for an incident where she refused to give us SS's SSN so that we could put him on my insurance when DH got out of the Navy and she blatantly disregarded the CO by withholding the info, although that's a story unto itself). This is her first year ever having to give SS up for the holidays (last year she told DH that if he wanted to see SS he had to be at her house at 7am because that's when they would be doing gifts and then they had plans the rest of the day, she invited me, knowing I got off work at 7:30am). This was her year for Thanksgiving, DH didn't get a phone call from SS until the day after Thanksgiving. For Christmas, we were supposed to get SS the weekend of the 14-16th, per our normal CO, then pick him up the night of the 19th and keep him through the 28th per holiday order. We called BM at the beginning of the month and asked her if she wanted to stick with that, or if she wanted us to just keep him from the 14th-28th. She was emphatic about getting him back for those 2 days, which we anticipated, we just thought we would save everyone the gas. I work at a hospital and, after the conversation, put in my schedule to work the 2 nights that BM was getting SS back so that I would only have to work 1 night while he was here instead of 3. Then, 2 days before we were supposed to get SS for the weekend, BM has a panic attack about not seeing SS for Christmas, and begs DH to keep SS for the two days, so that she can pick him up 2 days early. I was furious. And yelling, and crying (overreacting, yes, but I am just so sick of her coming to us with compromises when it only benefits her, and was so upset that I had already made my schedule and it was too late to do anything about it). And DH agreed only when she agreed to let him do the same next year. But, he also emphasized that there would be no more compromises, that we were following the order strictly. Christmas was great, and SS went home on the 26th.

 

 

Our order says that the parent who gets him after Christmas keeps him until schools start back up, then it goes back to normal CO. Schools started yesterday, this is the first weekend of January, thus our weekend to get SS (he is 3 and not in school yet, but we follow their schedule). Did she check to see when schools went back? No. She texts DH yesterday, asking for us to take SS this weekend. We were already planning on it, so he said yes. Then she asks us to get him before noon because she has a job interview today. She also offered to meet us 30min closer to our house instead of us coming all the way there because we were "doing her a favor by taking him all weekend." DH didn't correct her because I guess he has this false hope that if he does enough "favors" then when he needs one, she will comply. I didn't fight with him, or yell, or get emotional about compromising for her yet again- which is part of my NYR to pick my battles and be more willing to compromise, although I declined to go with him to pick SS up. But, I had to get it off my chest, because it irks me so deeply and although I hope it will get easier as the year goes by, this first incident is already under my skin. How many of you follow your CO to the letter? Or did you when it was still new? I know I am overreacting, which is why it is a NYR to STOP, but I just can't stand the way DH was such a pushover and she knew she could do whatever she wanted before the CO. So now that he has grounds to stand on, it drives me nuts that she still knows she will get her way if she wants it. He is far more reasonable than I, and doesn't hold grudges, which is good, but also irritates me that it doesn't seem to bother him.

 

 

Sorry that was so long, just needed to vent since I am trying my darndest to not make a huge deal about it this weekend, because this one little thing isn't a big deal, but...UGH does anyone get where I am coming from? Even re-reading this post I see how ridiculous it is to be upset about this, so I appreciate anyone who made it all the way through without calling me a psycho.

Sunday924

 At first we didn't and we let BM change this or that always promising to follow through when it was our time or our year but never doing so. After being screwed over so many times we now go 100% by the CO. We have let her change a few things since because you still want to be the bigger person and do what is best for SS but she has still managed to screw us. DH has made it very clear he DGAF what is going on there will be no changing anything.  

We will always take extra time just no switching or giving up our time with the promise that we will get it back. 

awesomenus1341

This is why I feel even more ridiculous for being upset about it. I am grateful for the extra time, because that is a rarity, it's just the fact that it's only because it is something that benefits her, and because she didn't even take the time to figure out the CO to begin with. If it hadn't been helping her out, I can only imagine the fight when we would have shown up to get SS today because she didn't realize it was our weekend. I honestly don't think DH will get to the DGAF point unless she backs out of Christmas next year. But, he has a tendency to get furious, swear that it's the last time he is going to compromise, then cool down and end up dropping it. And she knows this, they were together for 10 years, and were good friends in HS before that, so she knows to wait it out, play nice until he cools down, then ask for something else. I also realize that the issue isn't solely with BM, but also with DH for always being willing, but either way I am trying to pick battles, it's just hard sometimes! I keep reminding myself that it is good that he isn't a total @$$ to his ex like so many men, and that he tries to empathize and do what's best for SS, but sometimes it just makes my resentment stronger.

 

Thanks for the reply, being the bigger person is hard, I am hoping it comes easier with practice!

Hopeforthebest

I know you probably already know this, but you have a real DH problem.

You either stick to a CO or you don't in my opinion. When a relationship with a BM is strained like it sounds like this one might be, I'd advise to stick to the CO. Her time is her time to figure out babysitters, etc. I know it is hard to "give up" extra time that might be offered but you are setting a precedent that she can dictate her time AND your time. Don't go there.

Get your DH on the same page or get off the carousel altogether. Make him do all the jumping through hoops for pick ups and drop offs if he isn't going to follow the CO.

In our situation, we stick to it 100%. Our BM is not even close to reasonable and NEVER does what is in the child's best interest. So we suck it up and even when it would be nice to alter we can't. She is too manipulative.

new+tothis

We don't follow our CO to the T. I make allowances when it will benefit DS only. I will also ask BD for leniency when something comes up. It's always tit for tat with him though... if I pick DS up 10 minutes early then he wants to do the same at the next exchange. It's pretty ridiculous but whatever - it isn't worth fighting over. It has only happened once that BD asked to keep him an extra few hours because he was invited to do something. I allowed it because it was something DS would genuinely enjoy. I think you need to pick your battles.

FutureMrsWittig

We don't follow the CO to a T either, and it creates problems.  But it's hard to always be committed to that schedule and have no wiggle room to accomodate everyone's family plans... 

BM pulled a bunch of BS this year on Christmas Eve and so going forward she and DH agreed that any and all changes to the holiday schedule will be agreed upon 7 days in advance of the day or else we are going by what is written.  I'm sick of having my holidays ruined because she can't plan ahead.

We are also documenting anytime BM does not take her allowed visitation time and if it is per her request or per our request for an extra day.