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Blended Families
Nineoceans
member
Would you do this?
Nineoceans
member
If you're hanging in with my drama things have just gotten worse. Back when things were semi ok we offered BM $400 a month until SS turns 18 to just give us full custody,we have 50-50. She agreed but my ILs actually intervened and told Dh he should win without having to pay her because she is such a despicable mother. They're besties now though. We got 50-50 because Bm proved she had some sober time. Fast forward to today. BM is most likely the worst mother I have ever met. Drugs, boyfriend "spanking" SS, giving all her time to my ILs who are a bag of crazy. I'm back to the point where I want to offer her $500 to essentially give us custody, knowing that once she has no further way to profit off of SS or use him as a power piece she will most likely go away. She has done things recently that could have gotten him killed and you may remember he's abusing our dog due to whatever is going on in her house, so I am just over it. Her gone and my ILs gone is worth far more than $500. The only thing I hesitate about is if SS ever found out about this he would be devastated, I'm sure. I'm torn, half of me wants to make the parental decision and protect him and half of me doesn't want to risk SS finding out about this years later and being angry. Thoughts?
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Re: Would you do this?
It's tempting, no doubt. But no, I wouldn't do it.
I don't think it's legal, and if your son ever found out he would be so upset with you and his dad.
But, like I said, I totally understand wanting to.
Could you do it for some time and then go back to court and prove she was willing to be "paid off" to give up her son and then get full custody from there? Or not even bring up the money at all and just have the proof he has been with you for however long. Or are you just wanting to pay her until he is 18 and stay away from court?
How old is SS?
All of this, but especially the bold. When I was a single mother to DS and we were mediating a CO, my father was my support and attended all the meetings I had with my attorney. My father asked if we could pay BD off (he was bitter and angry) and the attorney said that while that may be very tempting, that if it ever came back to the courts/judge that I would look AWFUL and it would be parental alienation. So, no, don't try to pay BM off. Whether or not it's fair or you like it, BM is DS's mom, sh!tty mom and all. DS will likely always want some sort of relationship with her, and if he decides he doesn't, he will need to decide that for himself, without you paying BM off.
If BM gives the majority of her time to the ILs, that I think is enough grounds to go back to court and for you to be awarded CP and most of the time.
I wouldn't offer her money when it would simply take paying a really good lawyer less in the long run to get full custody AND make HER pay.
Don't do it.
I was in a different situation with DS1's BF. He owed me a lot of money that he was facing jail time for. I knew if I forgave the debt he would leave and let DH adopt him, basicly selling his son. I really struggled with what to do. I talked to our lawyer and found out is was perfectly legal in our state. I also thought about how DS would feel if he ever found out.
I'm sure he would feel horrible and hurt. He may also get mad but who would he be mad at? The parent who is taking care of him or the parent who was fine just walking away when it suited them?
The last time we talked to a lawyer our case cost 27k just bc Bm would fail to show up or purposely drag things out. I figure 60k over 10 years is a bargain compared to that.
I feel like a reasonable judge would take custody from her but it hasn't happened that way in the past and we are in a total mothers state. Seeing my SS hurt just pushed me to the limit. I texted her the other night to tell her I was concerned and her response was "haha get a life" she is such a lowlife
In my state this would be perfectly legal. Here you can make any custody and child support order you wish as long as both parties agree. It would be uncommon for the custodial parent to pay the non custodial parent child support but not unheard of. It usually happens when there is a huge gap between incomes of the two homes. As long as you wrote this up as a custody order that both parties are agreeing to I would think it would be fine. Have you talked to a lawyer about this being acceptable in your state?
It can be made legal.
Change the CO to specify EOwknd custody.
Add a spousal support clause at $500 a month. This would be in the CO but would be a seperate legal item - a contract that is not bound to the custody.
The risk is that she could seek a change to the custody AND keep the spousal.
DH has this in his.
I am definitely keeping the texts. I flat out accused her of using drugs, endangering SS and allowing her boyfriend to hit him and she just said "so sorry dh can't fight his own battles" not like "you're lying or that's not true" she's something else.
We also have texts from her brother and drug dealer admitting her problem but she all but admitted to the judge last year she was on drugs and it made little difference. We have the same judge again. Court is at the end of the month.