Question about exchanges and clothes

new+tothis

I did an intro quite a while ago but haven't posted much since. I have a 2 yo DS from a past relationship. I thought my relationship with his BD was going pretty good until recently. Now it is clearly down the drain.

My first question is about exchanges... how do you handle them if you as a bio-parent can't be present? For the first time I won't be able to be at an exchange. My Dh will be picking DS up but I'm worried about how BD will handle it. I have already given him a warning that I won't be the one there via email but I'm still nervous about it. This seems like it should be pretty standard for blended families.... right?

Also, how do you handle clothes? I used to not worry about it but then I had to replace clothes constantly. BD will send him in old, stained clothes or inappropriately dressed (ie no jacket when it's 20 degrees). So eventually I asked that we return clothes in a backpack. He never did that but he did start putting DS in the clothes I sent him in (dirty, of course). If he doesn't do that then I never see those clothes again. I'm not sure what to do about it. I can't afford to keep replacing clothes (especially with him never paying support). His house is like a black hole for jackets and jeans.

socloudy99

We return the kids in what they come in but it is all taken right after Friday night bath to the washer. They put it on clean Sunday. I do a small load for just their stuff because it is easier for me to keep track of everything (I have 4 SKs). They all have a basket in there room to put other items from moms in so it is all together when they go back.

 

Hopeforthebest

We return the kids in what they show up in. I just wash those items the night they arrive. Luckily they have not shown up in inappropritate sized or dirty items or else I think we'd run into the same problem of sending them back in other clothes all the time.

Ooglybear

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lookame3639

ClothesI send him in old clothes and whatever BD sends him back in thats what goes over. BD is also known for taking the good clothes I send DS in and keep them. I sent him in new clothes from Christmas last year and didn't see them until this yearclothes from 2011the I got in 2013! And i only got them back because I kept a hat BD sent over for about a monthDS took it to school and forgot it when I sent the hat back then came an outfit I hadn't seen since 2011. So now I send old clothes and whatever DS is sent back in goes back to BD

ExchangesI have to make sure I am at the pickups and dropoffs if not BD won't let me or whoever have DS...

new+tothis

I forgot to add that I did label all his clothes. That doesn't help. BD just doesn't care about it. I think he likes getting "new" clothes for his house. It's so frustrating! Our CO says it's okay for anyone to do exchanges but I'm still worried BD will make a scene.

Sunday924

 I send SS back in what he came in. If I need to add a jacket or something I will. It is in our CO SS must be returned with all his belongings. Even though it says that I still have to remind BM to send back the extra things I sent. With other SS I pack him a bag and he brings everything back. If I don't send clothes his mom ill make him wear the same thing....while she is in nice clean clothes. 

For us one of the BP's is usually always missing at the exchanges. It doesn't change anything. BM didn't like it at first but the CO says anyone can do the pick ups and drop offs. 

SCSmith2011

I'm a step mom and I've done the exchange with BM a couple times. It always goes well, although I think DH worrys about it too much. ;-)

As for clothes, we try to send SD in something her mom bought her but that's not always possible because SD has definite opinions about what she wants to wear. We all have a good enough relationship that we'll each ask for clothes back from the other parent. But from what you describe, your situation probably won't work like ours. I'm sorry, I wish I could be of more help.

twister22

Does your CO say anything specific about who can do pick ups? If not, you should be fine, because I don't think BD can refuse to hand over DS.

As far as clothes go, I would just send DS in something you don't care about. My DS gets hand-me-downs and I specifically keep a few outfits I don't care for before passing them along, that way I have things to send DS in to BD's house and if it gets lost/stained/ruined then it's no loss to me. Technically, according to the CO, BD is supposed to bring his own clothes for DS, but it's not worth a fight IMO. 

danac2010

I'm a SM and I do most of the DO/PU because I get off work earlier and it's just easier to pick up SD, then DD at daycare (the meeting spot is just passed daycare) and then go home and do dinner, homework, etc.  If I didn't do it I'd be going to get DD and then hanging out at home until DH got off work and drove the 45 min to get SD and then get home and then it would almost be DD's bedtime.  BM has no problem with it.  We actually get along ok and can communicate better than her and DH so I think she prefers to deal with me over him anyway.

 

As for clothes, there is a specific spot in SD's room that the clothes from BM's house go.  I will wash them before she returns and return them to the spot in her room.  If it is inappropriate for the weather I will add an old jacket we keep just for back and forths.  It still fits but is just a little dirtier.  BM finally bought SD a jacket for her house so lately it's only been shoes we have to send over there and it's a pair that SD doesn't really like but they fit so she brings them back but she is usually not wearing them.  I don't care if she wears them all the time but at least she leaves our house dressed warm.

awesomenus1341

For clothes: Our CO specifically says that whatever came from one parent's house is to be returned to said parent's house at the end of visitation. Prior to our CO, BM used to send SS with a big bag of clothes for the weekend. We never used the clothes she sent except to send him back home in, but I always tried to wash whatever he came in and put it back in his bag. Then, she started claiming we were keeping all her clothes and not returning them. I will say that there is a good chance a pair of socks or underwear got mixed in the laundry and I didn't realize it when I packed his bag to go home, but he was never missing anything major and if I found it, I saved it to return with him the next visitation. Well, we finally told her to stop sending clothes if she was worried about us stealing them, he doesn't wear them here anyway. So now, he comes in her clothes, we wash them Friday night, he goes back in them Sunday, no matter how ridiculous they are. The only thing that goes back and forth is shoes, but it's only because he has one pair and he is quite attached to his shoes.

 

For PU/DO, generally DH and I go together. There have been times when I have gone to pick up SS, although never to her house, she always meets me, but she later makes a big deal about it when she is upset "I even let you come pick him up without [DH]." She is the only one to ever pick him up, but we wouldn't care if someone else did. To be fair, she isn't seeing anyone, and as much as DH says he doesn't care, I really don't know if it would bother him for another man to come pick up SS. Either way, if the CO says anyone can, then it doesn't matter how either party feels about it, that's the beauty of a CO- it isn't dependent on anyone's emotional state.