Lack of support

GARTHKE

Hi all . I am new to this board... 

 I have been planning a natural birth but have kept it to make thus far. I have told a few close friends and a woman from the local New Parent Support Program. Lately everyone has just randomly been telling me to get an epidural, don't be a hero, it's so awful etc.  I feel like I have no support and don't know how to respond to these women. This is my first pregnancy so I feel rude telling women with children not to tell me about it.

 Please help! Tell me positive things and what to say.. 

 

AmyRI

Smile and nod and don't discuss it further. People that go into labor in fear of it and expecting it to be the most painful, unbearable experience of their life will easily find confirmation that labor is hard and they are justified in getting the drugs. 

I believe that if you go into labor without fear, believing that you can handle it, you will be far less tempted by the drugs and you'll see that labor is hard work, but not unbearable and it can be very rewarding and empowering to give birth naturally. Endorphins are amazing.

BLPL101

I went natural and was induced with Pitocin and had back labor. It wasn't that bad. You can do it!! Don't listen to the nay sayers.

aylafsu88

AmyRI:

Smile and nod and don't discuss it further. People that go into labor in fear of it and expecting it to be the most painful, unbearable experience of their life will easily find confirmation that labor is hard and they are justified in getting the drugs. 

I believe that if you go into labor without fear, believing that you can handle it, you will be far less tempted by the drugs and you'll see that labor is hard work, but not unbearable and it can be very rewarding and empowering to give birth naturally. Endorphins are amazing.

This.  H and I never discussed our plan with anyone other than my mother and a few close friends who were supportive of a natural birth.  I think some women feel that if you have a different experience or desire to not have an epi during birth that you are judging their choices.  Stay strong and do what you feel is best for you and your LO!

ETA: My SIL was one of the biggest naysayers and would consistently tell me I couldn't do it.  That made me even more determined to go natural.  I did and I made sure to tell her how great it was!  Honestly, contractions were hard but I was mentally prepared for that and my H was on board.  Having his support and our great doula got me through L&D and I actually enjoyed my LOs birth!

mattdk06

My support system is relatively small, so I cling to the few who think natural is a good idea. I ignore everyone else :-)

SQuaid

BLPL101:

I went natural and was induced with Pitocin and had back labor. It wasn't that bad. You can do it!! Don't listen to the nay sayers.

I did too and I agree, it wasn't that bad!  You can do it and keep your wishes to yourself, no one really understands. 

OrangeGrove

Sorry to hear you feel unsupported - I think that is one of my biggest fears. All of my family and friends have hospital births with heavy meds, many even have scheduled c-sections for convenience.I worry that they will be nothing but negative about my natural birth plan (when the time comes).

Are you planning on having a natural birth in a hospital setting, or are you having a homebirth? Hopefully you have a great doula, midwife or partner that can give you some positive comfort now, during and after labor. What about cultivating what you need by joining groups or engaging in services that are likely to have like-minded moms in them? I'm thinking prenatal yoga, hypnobirth classes, etc.

GARTHKE

OrangeGrove:

Sorry to hear you feel unsupported - I think that is one of my biggest fears. All of my family and friends have hospital births with heavy meds, many even have scheduled c-sections for convenience.I worry that they will be nothing but negative about my natural birth plan (when the time comes).

Are you planning on having a natural birth in a hospital setting, or are you having a homebirth? Hopefully you have a great doula, midwife or partner that can give you some positive comfort now, during and after labor. What about cultivating what you need by joining groups or engaging in services that are likely to have like-minded moms in them? I'm thinking prenatal yoga, hypnobirth classes, etc.

i am planning to have a natural birth in a hospital. Fortunately I am stationed in Germany and they are big supporters of natural birth-water birthing tubs in all the rooms, great midwives etc.  I am hoping to find a doula here who will also help. My partner is supportive but not as much as I'd like. 

fennyann

I'm sorry that you feel that you are not supported. I know exactly how it feels! I have a big family full of opinionated people!

Here's my story. Initially, i was the exact opposite. I had it in my mind that i wanted the epidural because I had so many family member scare me to death with their horror stories. I made it a point to tell my doctor and everything, just so he was aware.

After my water broke, I was not having contractions. After about 8 hours of no contractions, I was instructed to head to the hospital so they could get things just started with pitocin. When i got to the hospital, I was only 1 cm and would not be provided with an epi until 4cm! Once my contractions really started to become painful for me, I was already at 10cm! I wasn't allowed the epidural of course. The pushing part was a piece of cake for me at least and once pushing, my contractions werent nearly as painful. I'm so glad that it worked out that way. It's just so rewarding in the end! You can do it and don't let others discourge you.

lashanna92

i am currently having the same problem and searching for advice and support as well its very difficult to find out that the people that you love and trust are not as supportive as you would like them to be sorry i am not much help i hope all goes well for you stay strong and positive

RMama2012

I told DH and my mom.  The day of, I had my MIL for support.  Honestly, my DH was unhelpful.  I didn't even discuss it with my sister who I am close with because I know her view of the EPI.  Women were telling me to get it too.  All you need is you and your support system.  Heck, even my OB told me I should get it while I was already 6+cm.

Thank you to those who think not getting drugs makes me a "hero."  :::bows:::

I don't see it that way and that was never my intention.  I don't talk about my birth unless specifically asked excpet here to give support.  It was a personal decision I made me for me and my child.  Giving birth naturally is beautiful & empowering and I can't wait to do it again.  Dont let them get to you!

Joyfullnoise

We're going homebirth this time and I've had the most luck only telling those who push for info, not volunteering information, and starting with "we've decided the option that I'd best for our family is...". Good luck!

cecilyandgautam

I think this board is probably the best place to get support, along with your birth class. Every woman's experience, even every pregnancy, is different so while they can say you don't yet know how it'll be, they also don't know how it always is either. 

clariknittist

I think one of the best things you can do is know for yourself exactly why you want a natural birth, and just focus on those reasons.  I was sick to death of people asking me what my plans were (why does it concern them anyway?), and when I was so careful to say "I'm hoping for a med-free birth." then rolling their eyes and saying totally negative things like "Oh just wait, you'll be begging for the drugs."  Well, HELL NO I won't, you don't know what I can and can't handle, but thank you for your non-helpful opinion.  At a certain point, I decided that was just going to be white noise and tune it out.  I knew for myself, I was doing it to give our baby what I felt was the best start possible.  I couldn't stand the thought of these powerful drugs being in his tiny brand new little system.  Also, I had the benefit of my own mother doing it for my brothers and me, so I felt like if she did it for me, I can do it for my baby.  I knew I would always regret not trying, and I was excited for the challenge when it came.  I don't talk about it with people after the fact unless they pry, and I try to be careful with my language when I do.  I try to say things like "I was so lucky to be able to have the birth I wanted." because not everyone feels the same way about the birth I wanted, or not every woman has that luxury, and I think that's where a lot of the negativity comes from.  Even during the labor, my SIL was with my DH on the phone asking how it was going, and she practically exploded "WHY DOESN'T SHE JUST GET THE DRUGS? I would do it in a heartbeat." She was clear in Pittsburgh, what the crap did it matter to her?  Yeah, it took longer than some labors, but it's not like it really affected her life - she wasn't coming to visit or anything, and honestly, I would never offer an opinion on her choice to use drugs if that's what happened...other women can just be so mystifying when it comes to things like this.

mlrafiki

aylafsu88:

I think some women feel that if you have a different experience or desire to not have an epi during birth that you are judging their choices.  Stay strong and do what you feel is best for you and your LO!

^ This. I always notice that women get defensive if I tell them I'm planning to go natural (even though I never volunteer the information unless specifically asked, for precisely this reason). It's bizarre. I want to tell them that my choice to have a natural birth has nothing to do with their own birth, but I usually just shrug and say that I feel it's the best choice for me, and change the subject.

I had to do this even with my MIL, whom I adore. She just couldn't imagine an unmedicated birth and was convinced I'll be putting myself at risk. I feel bad disagreeing with her, since I know she's genuinely concerned. Her opinion has also influenced DH, who I know will be pressuring me to get the drugs. It was this that finally convinced me to hire a doula, despite the expense.

The most infuriating response so far has been from men, though.... I've had two male coworkers who are unmarried and without sisters laugh at me and tell me I'll be begging for the drugs before long. Douchebags. I just avoid talking about it now.

pregokat

I'll be real with you... And supportive! 

I would just avoid that conversation with people, Its hard to get others to understand when they aren't willing to see things from another point of view & can end up turning into a debate & get really frustrating.

I had people laugh at me like "you're crazy, yeah okay have fun with that" when that topic came up

 So the being real part.. I dont intend to scare you but more tell you this to help you to prepare... My advice is to get a labor coach who will help you, and practice with them.. practice practce practice..

I went all natural- waited for him to come in his own time (wouldn't give in to the dr's offers at induction) I had back labor, he came out face down.. and it was painful! not to mention when my water broke and I felt him drop down into the birth canal, it was horrible... people ask what birth was like and my reply is "traumatic" because it was- I wasn't prepared enough, didn't know what I was getting myself into, I knew I wanted to go all natural but didnt mentally prepare and it was bad They say you forget the pain as soon as the baby is born- for me that isn't true.. As soon as he's born the pain vanishes- you feel so much better- but the memory of the pain is still there..  

But with the lack of meds, and everything being natural- I only had to deal with the pain of heavy labor for 40 mins and he was born- not bad for a first time in labor!

I think my decision was well worth it!  You can definately do it! just think if it were 100 years ago, we wouldnt be having this discussion.. you'd just have to give birth naturally.. just like all the rest of the women out there  

Good luck sweetie!  

alandals

AmyRI:

Smile and nod and don't discuss it further. People that go into labor in fear of it and expecting it to be the most painful, unbearable experience of their life will easily find confirmation that labor is hard and they are justified in getting the drugs. 

I believe that if you go into labor without fear, believing that you can handle it, you will be far less tempted by the drugs and you'll see that labor is hard work, but not unbearable and it can be very rewarding and empowering to give birth naturally. Endorphins are amazing.

Everything she said. I'm a huge believer of the fear thing. I went into it looking forward to and being excited for labor. What more exciting than the process that leads to your baby being born?! I knew it was going to hurt, but didn't fear the pain or the process.