One month

jmlind

It's been one month since I delivered Michael at 30 weeks. I'm going back to work tomorrow and just as I was about to go to sleep (already 4 hours ago), I get an email from a coworker that she's expecting twins. I'm really excited for her, but I've been up the past few hours, and don't see how I'm going to get to sleep, just thinking about the past 5 weeks...

About a week before I delivered, I noticed the baby kicking a lot less. I didn't do anything about it except drink a giant coke with caffeine to see if the baby would move, and he did, so I never called. I started feeling sick on Wednesday of that week, and by Friday I had a high fever. I left work early, slept the day away, but when I woke up on Saturday I had a really high fever (104), cramps, and I had started bleeding. I called an ambulance, and by the way the EMTs looked, I knew I was going to give birth that day - but I didn't think it would end like this.

When I got to the hospital they couldn't find a heartbeat. I was told that I have an infection and would need to deliver immediately or I would be at risk for further complications. I didn't believe it the whole time. Since then we've found out that both I and my baby had listeria. I hadn't even eaten any of the foods that we're not supposed to eat!

I just cant stop being sad - it just doesn't get better. And now that I know that most babies don't die from listeria, I keep wondering - what if I had called the doctor earlier? Could they have saved my baby?

I know that I eventually will be able to be productive and happy, but I just don't feel happy at all. I don't know how I'm going to survive the work day tomorrow or how I'm going to get back on my feet. I just want to sit at home forever and do nothing.

Wish me luck...

Noethola

So sorry for your loss.

I am back to work today as well, while I was expecting this week to be at home with my baby (if not delivering her soon.)

I am sending T&Ps your way.

jbranden12

((hugs)). Don't torture yourself with what-ifs. It is normal for movement to be up and down, especially at 29-30 weeks. There was no way for you to know what would happen.

I am glad you can see at light at the end of the tunnel, that someday you will be able to feel joy again, but it's totally okay to not be there yet. I found that going back to work gave me a routine that helped the time pass, and that is something I needed. But I was gentle with myself and realistic about what I could accomplish. Some days I still feel like a robot. But time passes, and I do not miss or love my daughter any less.

Carolee

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sweet Michael.  I hope work ends up being ok today - for me, the anticipation of going back was far worse than the day itself.  It didn't seem like it would be, but in some ways, going back to work helped me - it helped me regain some sense of normalcy in my life after my world had been turned upside down.  I struggle still with the "what ifs" also - be kind to yourself.  Good luck today. 

meli1025

I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your baby boy, Michael.  I have struggled with the "what-ifs" as well, even though I know it's not productive and nothing can be done to change the outcome.  You could never have known what was happening and you didn't do anything wrong, please don't beat yourself up.  We are all here for you, good luck today on your first day back at work.  ((HUGS)). 

Williamandshawnna

Huge Hugs.

I am so sorry for the loss of your son Michael. The what ifs are at times the worst. I still find myself thinking about the what ifs and going through the different scenarios and outcomes. Like previous posters have said, be gentle with yourself, cry when you need to, a lot of people will not know what to say and may not say anything at all. Take time for you.

I am sorry to welcome you here, but you have found a great group of women to help support you.