Vent already!

Phantomgirl

BM has started sending me 'instructions' through SS. We had SS last night as she had a wedding. We dropped him home Sunday for one night and collected him again yesterday. Over the weekend SS told me 'mom said YOU HAVE TO collect me at 11am Monday'. She never contacted me so we collected him at 4 as we had planned to. Then yesterday SS told me mom said ' you are not to drop me home early tomorrow Tuesday'. It suited us so we didn't drop him home until 6pm this eve.

I did not get him the phone she instructed me to get him for Christmas. I got him the Lego. SS was upset as BM had told him we were getting him a phone.

For the last two weeks SS has told us that for his Bday Jan 12th his mom is taking him and his friends to the cinema on the Saturday our time BUT SS bday so we always split it with her. We said ok no prob. We will do pizza and sleep over on Friday night with two of SS cousins which we arragned over xmas, we are having DH sister and the kids down for dinner and the kids will stay and we will get him a smart phone then drop him home to BM around lunch time.

Yesterday when DH collected SS he hopped in the car and his first words 'mom said YOU HAVE TO take me and my friends to the cinema next Saturday.

DH told SS that we already had plans in place for his bday and he will not be taking them to the cinema. SS was shocked! When they got here SS came right to me to 'tell' on DH and he was visibly upset. He thought I would jump in and rescue the situation. I just listened and then talked with DH. We agreed we were not going to bend and today we told SS together.

Both DH and I feel horrible for SS because he is being put in the middle. Isn't it horrible that for his bday BM bounced him to DH and DH bounced him back. BUT we feel we have to stick to our plan and not let her 'bully' us.

DH is raging and he wanted to call BM today to discuss read fight. I asked him not to and to start the year as we mean to go on. We will just stick to our plans and accommodate her only if it suits us. DH will text her during the week and tell her we are not doing the cinema.

Any opinions on how we handled it?

I have a feeling that 2013 is going to require a lot of being the bigger person.

Otherwise we had a lovely Christmas and SS spent a lot of it here.

cole2144

I think you are right to stick to your plan so BM learns she can not dictate plans to you. Your DH should also make sure that his son knows telling him what he has to do is not gonna fly.

CFjo2010

Geez, what a yucky way to start the new year.

When this type if thing happens with K and BM, we pretty much disregard whatever "instructions" K gives us. It's specifically stated in the CO that K is not to be used as a messenger by either party. Our response to K when this happens is generally, "Well that's something for Mommy to talk to us about". We don't even bother mentioning anything to BM unless she initiates the discussion.

I say you do what you already had planned. It's a bummer that SS will be disappointed about the movies, but it's not your and DH's responsibility to make good on BM's promises.

Littlejen22

Is there any chance she is telling SS to talk to Dad and he is telling DH instead of asking? Personally I would send BM a message from DH phone written by you stating that SS came over and said she told him that you need to do X and that it is not happening, telling her that you do not know exactly what her conversation was with SS but in the future if she has any requests to contact DH and he will let her know if he can do what she wants.

Mrs.McLovin

Maybe send BM a message of what plans you all have for SS's birthday. Ask if dropping him off at noon, per usual time, still works.

hopanka

I agree with Littlejen. You can't assume a child will accurately relay a message, hence he shouldn't be used as a messenger. That is BM's fault. Your fault is not following up with her directly on these things and asking for clarification. By ignoring it, and sometimes doing what she supposedly asked (when it suits you) and then sometimes not doing it (when it doesn't suit you), results in a child being put in the middle. That's not right because now you have a confused, disappointed child whose birthday plans fell through, because the adults in his life play mind games with each other, hurting him in the end. Good job all of you.

CFjo2010

hopanka:

I agree with Littlejen. You can't assume a child will accurately relay a message, hence he shouldn't be used as a messenger. That is BM's fault. Your fault is not following up with her directly on these things and asking for clarification. By ignoring it, and sometimes doing what she supposedly asked when it suits you and then sometimes not doing it when it doesn't suit you, results in a child being put in the middle. That's not right because now you have a confused, disappointed child whose birthday plans fell through, because the adults in his life play mind games with each other, hurting him in the end. Good job all of you.

Whoa. Knowing what I know of Phantom, I would hardly say she "plays games". She has tried again and again to be the bigger person and put SS first despite the at times volatile dynamic between her DH and BM. Telling her that its her and DH's fault that SS will be disappointed as that they are playing mind games with SS is unnecessarily harsh and unfair. THEY are not the ones making promises to SS that they are not keeping. THEY are not the ones committing someone else to do things without discussing it first.

This entire situation sounds like a result of BM once again trying to avoid DH as therefore refusing to effectively coparent. I think Phantom's statement of accommodating BM when it's convenient means: if Phantom and DH don't have anything planned then they will try and do what they can, but they are not going to change around plans to appease BM's whims.

J&A2008

I think you are right and I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

The only thing I would add, for the sake of SS, is a conversation with him about what's happening.  He is at an age where he should beincluded in planning, especially about things like his birthday.  He might feel less like a pawn and more like part of things if you involve him more from the start instead of filling him in only to counter what BM said.  I would also apologize to him that he's in this spot, and he's also old enough to understand that BM does not make plans during your time so when she speaks for you & DH he should not expect BM's plans to be your plans unless he hears it from DH.  Sounds like a tough spot for him and you and I hope BM gets over this soon. 

fellesferie

J&A2008:

I think you are right and I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

The only thing I would add, for the sake of SS, is a conversation with him about what's happening.  He is at an age where he should beincluded in planning, especially about things like his birthday.  He might feel less like a pawn and more like part of things if you involve him more from the start instead of filling him in only to counter what BM said.  I would also apologize to him that he's in this spot, and he's also old enough to understand that BM does not make plans during your time so when she speaks for you & DH he should not expect BM's plans to be your plans unless he hears it from DH.  Sounds like a tough spot for him and you and I hope BM gets over this soon. 

I agree with this! 

Phantomgirl

Thanks all.

DH and I agree that SS may not be relaying the message verbatim.

We believe that BM is very mad about the court case. The judge really called her out and she has been very hostile since.

We both feel that she is annoyed about the CS ruling and thus this year will see SS told to 'ask your father to get it/do it'. Which will be relayed to us as 'mom said you have to get it/do it'.

DH is going to talk to her at pick up on Friday. He is going to tell her not to go that route as he will not do it and SS is the one that will get hurt.

DH called his therapist and discussed it today as he was conflicted about how to handle it. He also told him to talk to SS as he is at an age where he understands. DH has an appointment with him tomorrow and then he will talk to BM on Friday and SS over the weekend.

The reason I did not want DH to call her yesterday is because he was angry. He would call with the best intentions and BM would call him a name and it would go down hill from there. I hate that for DH because he ends up so disappointed with himself after it.

I'm delighted he is seeing his therapist first. If DH continues to do this it will be a huge step forward.

Also we have talked to SS every step of the way. We explained that we are not doing the cinema as we already agreed to the Friday night and in fact SS invited his cousins down himself and they agreed on pizza night and SS requested the phone.

SS said he understood however this weekend we are going to offer SS the option of phone or cinema with friends as we are already locked into the friday night. We want him to enjoy his bday but we just can't afford it all and we will tell SS that.

I think the whole situation is unfortunate as BM and I have always got along BUT she is obviously upset.

This year the focus for my DH is to not get so irate when issues with BM pop up. She is just lashing out at present and it will run its course if we handle it and react appropriately, which can only benefit SS in the long run.

Therapy will be very useful in 2013!!!

I have already signed DH up. Any suggestions on how I get BM to go?!?

J&A2008

Great job Phantom! Sounds like your DH has turned a corner.