the guardian debate

APSnewmex

I suppose I'm piggy-backing off mimi63's PP about god-parents, but this whole line of discussion happened to come up between DH and I while we were driving back from the holidays this past week (2000 miles gives you plenty of time to talk). 

We're both in agreement that godparents should be the type of people we feel will help our child explore his/her spirituality as we hope to do.  We've come to a decision for godparents relatively easily.

The guardians are a much harder decision.  Our siblings both have larger families and we're not comfortable adding to their financial burden if we would pass away--not to mention they have very different parenting philosophies than DH and I do.  So we've been thinking about asking friends of ours, but we're in disagreement about which friends.  He wants to ask his best friends--we happen to be their children's guardians, so it would be apropos, but the wife also happens to have a bit of a history of anxiety, depression, and anorexia.  I'm a little leery leaving our child in her care for life.  My choice would be my best friend and her husband (both of whom I've known for over 20 years), but my DH doesn't know them as well as I know his friends, so he's reluctant.

I guess the big problem is that, when we voice our concerns it's hard not to sound like we're attacking each other's oldest friends--so we both end up on the offensive and can't get to the point of compromise.  Any advice on how to break through the stalemate without devolving into name-calling?

nyki06

My husband was recently in a horrible car accident and walked away without a scratch, which started up the guardian conversation again. I'm still not sure where my daughter would go. Our parents live 6 hours away from each other and neither of them parent the way we would like our daughter to be raised. I know it's something that should be decided now vs if it's ever too late. 

brevans02

I don't know that I have much help to offer, but I can definitely see how a "discussion" like this could get...touchy.

Maybe it'd help if each of you listed the pros/cons of each couple on paper, then you could sit down and discuss each one separately, take some time to think, then sit down another time to compare them. 

??? Good luck!

mypalbabs

OP - There shouldn't be much of a financial burden.  You and your spouse should set up your life insurance so that the payout goes toward the upbringing of your child. 

JSS1002

Is there a reason that you wouldn't make the Godparents and guardians the same people?  Just thinking that if you entrust them with your childrens spiritual development, then they'd be a good choice as somebody who could raise your children the way you'd want them raised.

we are trying to figure this out too.

tondraluv

I would love for my aunt to be my sons guardian (she was also my MOH), but she's raising three boys on her own on a California teachers salary so I don't want to add to her load. My mom is a former addict & I'm learning to trust her again. Dh's sister is a child psychologist so she's always diagnosing children so these aren't options either. This is a very hard decision

Elijah0915

I hate this conversation! It is hard because we are also an interracial couple. My race and culture is so important to me. Dh does not feel connected to his.

We finally decided on our friends... The gay uncles!

blueandgray

It's a tough discussion, but an important one.  Assuming you have some form of life insurance, that would cover any financial responsibility, so I would look to family or friends who share the same thoughts as you do on raising children, from a values, discipline, education, religion, whatever else is important to you standpoint. 

We actually have my parents in law as the initial guardians, since they live nearby and already are a big part of dd's life...it would be the least disruptive to her, and they are both in vey good health.  As she (and they) gets older, we plan to switch guardianship to my sister and husband who have 2 children not much older...the hardest part with that is that they live out of state and thus don't have a strong relationship with her, but they wanted a large family (can't have more kids on their own) and share parenting styles as us.  

Good luck! 

LibGrl

mypalbabs:

OP - There shouldn't be much of a financial burden.  You and your spouse should set up your life insurance so that the payout goes toward the upbringing of your child. 

 This. Financials should not be a concern for any guardian you choose. 

tondraluv

Elijah0915:

I hate this conversation! It is hard because we are also an interracial couple. My race and culture is so important to me. Dh does not feel connected to his. We finally decided on our friends... The gay uncles!

our backgrounds are a factor too. I come from a multi cultural family & was raised & do things differently than dh's family. My family is very open & respect all cultures & religions & will grant our wishes on how we'd like out son raised in the event that something happens. DH's family is more closed minded  

crazycourtny

MH and I have had this talk a few times, when we bought our house this fall the bank had a promotion that they would pay for our wills to be done, so we figured that we might as well get to it...better late then never right. MH family all lives in Switzerland, he feels that the child should go to his sister over in Switzerland if something ever happened to both of us...I just cant imagine this, how traumatizing to already lose both your parents but then move to a new country, learn a new language, and move in with an aunt who you have only seen once a year. We finally decided on my brother and his fiance to be the guardians. They dont have children yet, but we would have our assets sold and all money would be held in trust for LO, with the exception of a monthly allowance to my brother to cover the cost of raising LO and the exception of a yearly allowance for travelling to Switzerland so LO will always have a relationship with that side of the family. But holy man what a difficult and emotional discussion. I was in tears just thinking about if the worst were to happen. I know its better to be safe and have everything lined up but just the thought was so sad

APSnewmex

Thanks everyone for all the input.  We might have to go the pro/con route--although right now I'm a little afraid to even broach the subject again.  In the last couple months I've already had to put together my Advanced Directive and Will since I'm a high risk pregnancy, and both times I ended up emotional with my DH looking baffled.  That said, when I point out to him that he might have to raise a child alone, he becomes his own mess--so apparently I'm not alone in being freaked out by the possibilities. 

To answer one of the questions that came up: the reason we're not making the godparents our child's guardian is because they are both single, open-minded, free-spirited individuals.  Good people to help our child through the confusing and sometimes frustrating quagmire of faith, but not people who are in a place to have the responsibility of a child full-time.  

 And thank you for the point about financial burden.  This is something else DH and I still have to attack.  We each have our savings as well as our combined accounts, but we haven't done anything to get things in line for a guardianship.  So many details!!