Tell me if I should be mad

RondackHiker

Edited to add Trigger warning for rape or assault survivors

I'm feeling pretty p!ssed, but I want to make sure I am not being overly sensitive.

I've mentioned on here before that I was raped. Through lots of therapy, I fought my way back from suicidal thoughts, alcohol abuse, and PTSD. It was a hard road at times, but many times "outside" people didnt know I had "issues". I am fairly private. 95 percent of the people in my life know I was raped, and only one or two know the details of what happened and y fight back.

A friend knows my story, though she didn't know me when I was at my worst. She sent me an email this morning, sharing a story she read about a rape victim who declared that the rapist wouldn't "wreck her life" and it was "just one day". The girl continued her life without issue. She said she thought it was something I'd like to read and that it was important to hear.

I responded I was happy for the girl and that it was inspirational, and that I wished it was easy for everyone to pick up the pieces, and that I hoped the girl really was okay.

She replied that it always SHOULD be this way, and that people shouldn't let the bad guys win by being upset or letting the crime impact your life as you go forward. She said that people who "linger and struggle are making themselves victims all over again."

This was completely out of the blue. I haven't struggled lately, or mentioned anything of the sort to her. I haven't posted depressed Facebook statuses that might have made her think I was down. I wouldn't anyway. The closest thing I posted was a status cheering that the men in India are being charged.

I am happy and adjusted. I have a good marriage and sex life. I fought HARD to be here. Right now, I'm feeling really attacked and like she's implying that I'm struggling and that I should have shrugged off my attack from the start.

I am more sensitive about rape related stuff, so please tell me, am I overly sensitive?

dramamama2be

Being a victim as well, I'm so pissed with her comments right now.

PrincessFiona9

I would be pissed, but I wouldn't even bother responding further. What a beyotch.

LadyXaverian

She's out of line, and I'd be upset.

If you had infertility and were on IVF #4, she'd tell you to "just relax" or to adopt because everyone knows that once you adopt, you get pregnant easy peasy. It sounds like she's "that" person.

insertclevername

Telling you how should should feel, especially unprompted is douchy.  I can see why you are upset.

RondackHiker

Thanks guys. I am not going to reply now. I want to gather my thoughts and express my point well, not just rage. Or worse, cry. I cannot control my wobbly voice when I discuss it.

I appreciate non emotionally engaged thoughts on this. I am still fairly defensive over my path to recovery and try to check and make sure I'm rational before I react.

ppants

I've never experienced what you have, but I'm pissed about your "friend".  WTF?!  Who is she (or anyone for that matter) to tell someone what their emotional and physical response should be to a traumatic event?! 

KJmashup

I'd be mad.

kcisthebombdotcom

Mad? No.

Sounds kind of odd I know--but I don't think your friend had malicious intent (although the damage is done from her insensitivity of course). I think she meant well--she is just clueless.

I think you're wise in taking time to write a response to her until you move past your hurt/anger. I do think you should address her inappropriate message. I just don't think blowing up at her is going to show her how her actions were inappropriate.

Wufroggy79

Yeah, sounds uncalled for on her part.  I'm hoping she maybe had good intentions (??) and it came out sorts of wrong.

rachael_c26

Your feelings are not out of place. What a shitty thing for a "friend" to bring up so randomly.

mammamia24

As someone who has been in your position I'd be pissed! She had no right to say that vitims of rape should just get over it. It's been 12 years since it happened to me and I still struggle with it. I have a normal life but that will always be with me and I will never forget Sorry I'm sinsitive to stuff like this and the pregnancy hormones don't help.

RondackHiker

mammamia24:

As someone who has been in your position I'd be pissed! She had no right to say that vitims of rape should just get over it. It's been 12 years since it happened to me and I still struggle with it. I have a normal life but that will always be with me and I will never forget Sorry I'm sinsitive to stuff like this and the pregnancy hormones don't help. :

I'm sorry if this was triggering. I hate unexpected triggers. You don't need to apologize about sensitivity to me!

Icarusalsoflew

I think that her take is at best naive, but honestly- ignorant and insensitive. I'm angry for you reading this. Hugs to you.

andyyougoonie

LoisLane23:

Oh hell, I'm pissed and I had no trauma like that. Yeah, she's a douche.

Yep, this.  I'm really sorry your friend decided you needed "fixing" or whatever.  She sucks!  Good for you for fighting to get your life back in your own way and time!

luckylauren14

She sounds like she has good intentions, but extremely insensitive. I would never say how someone such act in regards to a traumatic event, even if I went through it too, because everyone deals in their own way.

I don't know how you should reply to her, but I agree to wait for your anger to subside. Maybe stress in your reply how everyone is affected differently even in similar situations.

God luck. Sorry your friend is kind of a douche. 

jaecat521

I wouldn't be mad, but I'd be upset and feel really disrespected. It's none of her business how you deal with what happened to you, and she has no right to tell you how you should feel or respond to it. Good for you for taking time out to come up with a rational response; I doubt I'd be able to do that, if I responded at all.

[Deleted User]

Damn bump.

[Deleted User]

mammamia24:

As someone who has been in your position I'd be pissed! She had no right to say that vitims of rape should just get over it. It's been 12 years since it happened to me and I still struggle with it. I have a normal life but that will always be with me and I will never forget Sorry I'm sinsitive to stuff like this and the pregnancy hormones don't help. :

This, minus the pregnancy hormones, ha.but today is the two year anniversary of my attack, woo...[sarcastic woo]. Your friend kinda blows.

RondackHiker

MrsNorry:

mammamia24:

As someone who has been in your position I'd be pissed! She had no right to say that vitims of rape should just get over it. It's been 12 years since it happened to me and I still struggle with it. I have a normal life but that will always be with me and I will never forget Sorry I'm sinsitive to stuff like this and the pregnancy hormones don't help. :

This, minus the pregnancy hormones, ha.but today is the two year anniversary of my attack, woo...[sarcastic woo]. Your friend kinda blows.

Anniversaries suck, don't they? I'm eight year out and they still suck balls. The days in between get better, but the anniversary sucks. I'm sorry.

mejane123

KC_13:

Mad? No.

Sounds kind of odd I know--but I don't think your friend had malicious intent (although the damage is done from her insensitivity of course). I think she meant well--she is just clueless.

I think you're wise in taking time to write a response to her until you move past your hurt/anger. I do think you should address her inappropriate message. I just don't think blowing up at her is going to show her how her actions were inappropriate.

This is kind of where I am. I don't know your friend at all, but I think some people just put their foot in their mouth on the reg when they're intending to be helpful or sympathetic. My father does this, and it infuriates me because he just doesn't get it. But, his heart is always in the right place.  it doesn't seem like she was telling you how to feel as much as she was telling you she wishes it could be that easy for everyone. I would also wait until you calm down a bit before approaching her. Definitely explain why her response upset you.  Hopefully she was just having mouth diarrhea and wasn't just telling you to get over it. 

J&A2008

LoisLane23:

 

Oh hell, I'm pissed and I had no trauma like that. Yeah, she's a douche.

This. 

MrsCase1

Geez with friends like that, who needs enemies?

Unless you are a survivor or a similar trauma, I think you should keep your pie hole shut. I don't tell former military people how to feel about their PTSD and I am friends with lots of them. I don't think her absurdity stems from something she vibes off of you, I just think she is a really ignorant person. I would not continue with the friendship, personally.

snowybride08

Spooko:

Yeah, I think you're completely justified in being offended. I'd probably say something snotty back.

Agreed.  It would be hard to hold my tongue. 

lildevil968

I would be PISSED! I suffer from severe PTSD, I have been in therapy for 5 years, and it is not something you just get over. PTSD is basically the same thing whether it be from rape (like yours) or combat related (mine), it has the same damaging affect, and can limit one persons day to day activity. I, like you, have fought hard to gain an ounce of my life back, and it is not easy. Not everyone can just walk away from something unaffected.

ASmallWonder

LoisLane23:

 

Oh hell, I'm pissed and I had no trauma like that. Yeah, she's a douche.

Ditto this x1000.  WTAF.  Gee, it's all your fault if you allow that trauma to, you know, traumatize you.  Totally your fault, duh.  Jesus. 

RondackHiker

Well, I gathered my thoughts and sent her an email, explaining what bugged me and that I wanted to email versus call so that I stayed calm and so she had a moment herself to react.

She called me back.

She's an ss.

I want to hit her, but don't want to start the year off with an assault charge.

I don't feel like going into what she said right now.

luckylauren14

RondackHiker:

Well, I gathered my thoughts and sent her an email, explaining what bugged me and that I wanted to email versus call so that I stayed calm and so she had a moment herself to react. She called me back. She's an ss. I want to hit her, but don't want to start the year off with an assault charge. I don't feel like going into what she said right now.

Do you know someone, who knows someones, who knows someone, who could key her car?

Sorry she's a douche.   

TrixieMonroe

LoisLane23:

 

Oh hell, I'm pissed and I had no trauma like that. Yeah, she's a douche.

 

This. It is so easy for those who haven't been there to judge. I cannot fathom what you have gone through and that was extremely insensitive. 

[Deleted User]

RondackHiker:

Anniversaries suck, don't they? I'm eight year out and they still suck balls. The days in between get better, but the anniversary sucks. I'm sorry.

That they do! Sorry your friend is being an asss.

RondackHiker

SuperDeDuper:

Rondack I'm so sorry this person is being such an ass to you.nbsp; [:]nbsp; I agree with PPs, your feelings are real and you should not have to hide or apologize for them.nbsp; I'm sorry for what you've been through and please don't feel you have to heal on anyone else's schedule.
Honestly, it sounds like this person needs to be written off.nbsp; You don't need someone like that in your life.nbsp; hugs

Thanks for the support. I'm done with her. She was being a b!tch and saying that I was sensitive and handling things wrong, I told her she was acting like a b!tch, said something snarky, and hung up. She didn't call back. So much for years of friendship. Whatever. I don't need that crap.

A few years ago I'd have blamed myself and tried to please her. I know better now.

klondikebar

I would cut her out of my life. How awful. How dare she say something like that. It would be great if we were all capable of just blocking out trauma, but we are humans with feelings. It doesn't work that way.

suv75

How you feel is how you feel. She can't invalidate that. I don't care if every rape victim agreed with her. She's wrong for telling YOU how YOU should feel.

Nita2603

She is not a friend. At all.