How is your marriage?

Bblund

Ladies,

I have two wonderful kids and I am being the best mom I can be.. however my relationship with my husband is not so good. We feel we both have disconnected from each other and even though we love each other, like each other, I think the emotional connection is not there. Has anyone else have this strain on their marriage. It's all about the kids and our marriage has fallen down the list.

What have you tried to reconnect with your spouse?

kcisthebombdotcom

It ebbs and flows. We have times I feel like you do in regards to life being all about the kids and others where we feel close and connected.

Regular date nights are essential IMO. We are lucky that we live near my parents who want to watch the kids regularly but if you don't have that luxury it's important to find a babysitter you can trust. Recreate your first date. Do things you enjoyed doing together before kids. Remind yourself what made you fall in love in the first place.

thebanich

We are struggling. 2u2 has been a big strain on us. We've talked about the disconnect and are trying to change things but it is definitely hard. MH wants to do a weekly date night. I thought it was sweet of him to suggest that!

Bblund

we have been married 4 years, and have a 3 and 1 year old. I sometimes thing it might be to late to try and reconnect with each other.

LadyXaverian

Bblund:

we have been married 4 years, and have a 3 and 1 year old. I sometimes thing it might be to late to try and reconnect with each other.

If the only reason you feel disconnected is because of having 2 kids early in your marriage, I highly doubt it's too late, unless you just give up.

Unless one of you has done something "wrong" or is treating the other person abusively, there is hope.

Good luck.

megperk72

Bblund:

Ladies,

I have two wonderful kids and I am being the best mom I can be.. however my relationship with my husband is not so good. We feel we both have disconnected from each other and even though we love each other, like each other, I think the emotional connection is not there. Has anyone else have this strain on their marriage. It's all about the kids and our marriage has fallen down the list.

What have you tried to reconnect with your spouse?

Yes, it's tough for sure. You have to put your marriage first. Of course take care of your kids too, but you have to take time out for each other. A happy, healthy marriage will make for happy, healthy kids! Make time for a date night. I know how hard it is, and it seems like a lot of work to line up a sitter, get dressed, make plans to go out, etc. I always wonder "is it really worth it?" and then once we do it, my question is answered. It is SO worth it.

Don't be afraid to go to counseling, it has been a wonderful tool for us. It's not about pointing fingers, but finding a common ground on which to communicate. Sometimes it's easier to have that 3rd party to explain that you are both normal and your marriage is normal, but that you communicate differently and they can help you understand each other a little better. Not sure if I explained that correctly.

Anyway, it is a work in progress. Some days are better than others. Keep at it, if you're both willing to put in the effort, you can reconnect and be stronger than ever. GL!

Nechie122

Know the feeling. Date nights are essential. We also try to focus on mutual hobbies we had before DD was born, like college basketball, restaurants and music. We kiss each other good night and have sex regularly. Also, it may sound counterintuitive, but having "me time" is similarly essential. Going out with friends, exercising, going to networking events ... it makes us happier, more relaxed and more fulfilled and in turn gives us something to talk about that's not just DD. It also creates a little mystery ... and mystery, not familiarity, is what makes someone sexy and exciting.

patchen30

These are all great suggestions.  We've had a hard time.  Harder than any other point in our marriage and we went through 3 years of IF.  DH and I have compliants about each other we never had - I feel that he neglects me emotionally/romantically and snaps at me all the time and he feels that I don't value his opinion when it comes to DS and am totally wrapped up in DS.  It's a vicious cycle...the more I do this, the more he acts like that, the more he acts like that, the more I dive into DS.  We both feel that we're not the same people we married.  We've talked about counseling but haven't gone yet.  One good thing is that we do communicate a lot - we talk about how we feel all the time.  And, we regularly get babysitters to go out with friends.  We  also sit down and have dinner together every night after DS goes to sleep.

skibi83

If when confronted about DS you immerse yourself more into DS's life ask your H to take care of DS and you do something for you?

Sometimes I get upset with H because he doesn't do things my way or just jump in on some of the cares, so I try to schedule something for me.
(Also, I let him know why I'm upset.) Then he is taking care of the kids, I've had time to unwind and when I get home I feel better about being together and my anger is gone.

patchen30

skibi83:

If when confronted about DS you immerse yourself more into DS's life ask your H to take care of DS and you do something for you?

Sometimes I get upset with H because he doesn't do things my way or just jump in on some of the cares, so I try to schedule something for me.
(Also, I let him know why I'm upset.) Then he is taking care of the kids, I've had time to unwind and when I get home I feel better about being together and my anger is gone.

Good idea.

PayolaCrayola

patchen30:

These are all great suggestions.  We've had a hard time.  Harder than any other point in our marriage and we went through 3 years of IF.  DH and I have compliants about each other we never had - I feel that he neglects me emotionally/romantically and snaps at me all the time and he feels that I don't value his opinion when it comes to DS and am totally wrapped up in DS.  It's a vicious cycle...the more I do this, the more he acts like that, the more he acts like that, the more I dive into DS.  We both feel that we're not the same people we married.  We've talked about counseling but haven't gone yet.  One good thing is that we do communicate a lot - we talk about how we feel all the time.  And, we regularly get babysitters to go out with friends.  We  also sit down and have dinner together every night after DS goes to sleep.

This was exactly DH and I. I begged him to go to counseling to do ANYTHING and he wouldnt...at first. But we went thru an awful year and a half before things clicked for him that I was about to walk away. He was horribly depressed and wouldnt get help...finally we went to a therapist...It only took one session for her to say to him "well it sounds like the issue is you and unless you get better this marriage will be done"...i guess he needed to hear it from a stranger. Its been about 3mo and hes been MUCH better. We actually enjoy eachother now when before all we had as DD in common. Its still a struggle somedays but I feel like if i remain positive then he does too and we get thru it.

 

Netty_3

I think we're hitting our first rough patches as parents now. We've been trying to reconnect by going out alone. We have been married for over ten years...so we have some experience moving past things.
Hope things get better. Maybe make him his favorite meal...or make a point to kiss each other hello goodbye and goodnight.

etude de la vie

The first year of DD life was hard on DH and 2u2 was really hard our marriage but we are finally getting the groove of everything and not fighting. 

Having 2 kids can be way more work than you imagined and the first year it is next to impossible to get any alone time or let alone a shower! Now that we have a strict routine (kids nap same time, DH knows what our daily routine is) and he is starting to help when we go out or at home.

I had to let go of the resentment. I got delt a bad hand with DH working 60+ hours a week, DS was unplanned, and when he was home he had his stuff to do or catch up on sleep. Once I let go of any anger and just said "it is what it is" I stopped snapping. You can't change anyone but yourself so the only thing I could do was to go about my day and when he wanted to be apart of it, be happy,  and when he had dry cleaning or whatever to do, not to be angry!  

My parents have been married for almost 40 years and something my mom said to me really stuck when we had a really bad patch. "Love is a choice not a feeling" the butterfly feelings like when you are dating don't exist anymore now that you are mature and been together a long time you have to make a considerable effort and "choose" to continue to love that person. It is easy to be angry, unforgive, resentful, hold it in and blow up...it is harder to do the opposite and choose to love and forgive. I had my bags packed to leave when we had this discussion!  

laurakaz13

I agree with the others.

-Regular date nights. We have one per week. 

-Dinners at home together (just you and DH w/no electronics around) so you can talk and connect.

-Vacations alone together.  At least one per year. 

-Time alone for both of you to do what you want.  Essential.

-Take care of yourselves physically and emotionally.  DH and I work out everyday.  Neither of us has gained a lb since we met and we feel healthy and happy.  Kids shouldn't change this. 

These are our suggestions.  Honestly, I do put my marriage first.  I love my child, but she will not be the center of our universe all the time. 

nyki06

My husband isn't much of a communicator so we've always struggled with that. We did marriage counseling (not because our marriage was to the point where we NEEDED it, we just wanted to improve in any ways we could) and that helped a little with him expressing his feelings and me being more graceful. I think that it's probably pretty typical to experience what you are with a toddler though. They are little creatures who take pretty much all of your attention, time, and energy and it's hard to have any left over after that. I do think it's important to only let that reality go so far though otherwise you're going to be in a pretty bad situation when they are older. 

lynsef

I think DH feels better about our marriage than I do.  We are best friends and communicate often, but it's been rough lately because between DH working 3rd shift and going to grad school in the evenings and working every other weekend we barely have any time together.  We both agreed that it was important for us to be home with the kids so I cut back to part time and he ends up working some OT to bring in some extra money.  I end up feeling lonely because I'm home alone at night and end up having the kids with me at leat 75% of the time with no breaks except for when I'm at work.  Plus I'm exhausted and emotional from being pregnant.  He feels good about doing something for himself (school) because he really enjoys it and knows that it means a better career for himself when he is finished.  However, while I love my job there isn't really anything else that I do for me.  We keep saying that we need to schedule a date night, but just haven't gotten around to making plans and finding someone to watch the kids.  I wouldn't say that we are 'disconnected' just tired and stressed and with some regular time for just the two of us I think we'd be doing pretty well.  I always said that I didn't want to end up like my parents who after raising my brother and I have absolutely nothing in common. 

blu-eyedwife

Bblund:

we have been married 4 years, and have a 3 and 1 year old. I sometimes thing it might be to late to try and reconnect with each other.

 

Honestly, I think it's much harder on a marriage when you have children early on. Because all the issues you may have/had are harder to work through when you're tired and trying to deal with children. DH and I were married for 5 years before our son was born. We'd been together for 11 years at that point in time. Our relationship hasn't changed in the slightest since having kids, but we've already had every fight you could have long before we even talked about children.  And we had the time to work through all our issues without the added pressure of a baby. We both know what to expect from the other and what we each expect from the other.

 

I think it's really important for you and your husband to get time away for just the two of you. Yes to date nights, but also to early bedtimes for the kids so you can have time to communicate with each other about what's going on with each of you, your needs, your desires, your feelings.  Some couples therapy probably wouldn't be a bad idea either since it will give you guaranteed time together without the children to discuss the issues that come up in a neutral territory. 

crystaleyes39

I have felt this since our twins were born as well. I love my DH but the emotional even physical connection (go hand in hand for me) have faded.  The times I feel the most connected to him are when we get "us" time. Whether it be a night out w/ friends or just the two of us at dinner it does help get that spark back. I think it's so important to have a date night as much as possible.

My New Years Resolution is to have 1 night thats just for us, no kids a week. Hopefully I can stick to it.

EmarieDuke

etude de la vie:

My parents have been married for almost 40 years and something my mom said to me really stuck when we had a really bad patch. "Love is a choice not a feeling" the butterfly feelings like when you are dating don't exist anymore now that you are mature and been together a long time you have to make a considerable effort and "choose" to continue to love that person. It is easy to be angry, unforgive, resentful, hold it in and blow up...it is harder to do the opposite and choose to love and forgive. I had my bags packed to leave when we had this discussion!  

You have one smart Mama! Thanks for sharing this.

kxp004

oh gosh we are right there with you... DD is due in February an  I'm getting super nervous about all the added stress! DH works 4 nights a week at the jail, sleeps during the days, and then does the Police Academy two days a week... so we get approximately ONE DAY with him... and even then he has  to sleep half the day to transition from being awake at night to awake during the day...

which means it's me and DS pretty much all the time... all of my friends live an hour plus away so we a super isolated and it drives me nuts... our sex life has taken a serious hit and we have had  one date night in the past 3 months...  we try to talk as often as we can but it's definitely a stretch now for both of us being that we are both young and DS was a surprise baby less than a year into our marriage... not that I would ever trade him for  anything... I just hope and pray we can pull through because I'm at my wits end!

 

kwitt22

For us having time to ourselves and a night away from dd is key. Usually dd spends the night at the ILs or my parents every 4 to 6 weeks. We have a date night, or maybe go out with friends. I think it def helps. We also took a trip sans dd in early sept. we missed her but we caught up on sex, and ourselves.

jshf

When I married DH I thought he would be an amazing dad but he kind of sucked in the beginning. I thought he would be better with DS 2 but he still freaks when he cries. He is much better with my 3 year old. But we have had several times in our marriage where we couldn't stand each other and did consider divorce.

It was me being resentful and angry and DH feeling unappreciated and upset that I was snapping all the time.

He absolutely refuses counseling. So I got counseling for myself which helped. One thing I recently did was I had to make some choices and have faith that H is a good person and loves me.

At our last major blow up I decided to quit my pt job to be able to focus on DH and not iust the kids. DH saw that I made a sacrifice to do that and In turn has been more supportive, doing more with the kids etc. I wanted him to change and I wanted our marriage to be better. But I couldn't force him. I could only make changes with me.

My motivation to make thing Better with us was also the kids. They will be Better off if they have two parents who love each other. GL!

SharonB222

I think the studies say 80% of couples have marriage dissatisfaction when babes come.  My DH and I feel the stress but have been together through previous tough times (over 20 years), so can more easily get through. That said, we are not as connected as *I* would like.  DH just started counseling because although "you can't change somebody" it is time for him to learn to connect - for his sake, for mine - for our child(ren).  Prior to our marriage we did couple's counseling to level set --- the counselor said we were very different from each other and it would be challenging ... and it has been ... and rewarding also...

It's not too late.  I like Hope Springs Eternal --- it was very stereotypical but so true also...

GL.

Tink112011

jshf:

When I married DH I thought he would be an amazing dad but he kind of sucked in the beginning.

We had a tough time after DS was born.  Everyone, including myself, thought he would be a fantastic, hand-on father.  Reality was that he was so shell-shocked and overwhelmed that he kind of retreated from the whole fatherhood gig for quite a while.  Things have gotten better, but it still bugs me to no end that he only spends time with DS when he has to.

Our marriage has gotten better as DS has gotten older and more independent.  I also have to pick my battles and let many go.  I don't think we'll be having a second child though.  I remember telling DH was our LO was a newborn "I don't think our marriage could survive a second child."

gajumper

Its tough, thats for sure...although I am sure my husband would say its "fine, except I am not interested in sex at all!"...

 I work 40+ hours a week and DH works 60+, usually gets home after DS has gone to bed and I am at my breaking point.

We have no family close by, and even if we did we both work so much it would be hard to actually plan something and get HIM to stick to it.  I find myself getting more and more resentful, thats for sure.  He worked all day yesterday out in the garage, reorganizing, cleaning his truck, etc....while I was stuck inside.  THATS the sort of thing I loose it over...he has the freedom to pick up and do whatever, whereas I do not.  My only true alone time is when I am at work and go to the bathroom...no joke.  DH and I havent had any alone time since before our son was born.

 Its tough and I am getting close to blowing my top.  He works hard, but on the other hand so do I, so why does HE get the luxery of using that as an excuse and I dont? 

jshf

I remember telling DH was our LO was a newborn "I don't think our marriage could survive a second child."

We always say our marriage can't survive a third! We knew we would have two even if it was just for DS1 to have a sibling.