Anything else I should be considering?

melandkeith2008

So H and I have decided to move forward with a divorce but it is extremely amicable and a mutual decision. I wanted to try to work things out for the kids but have realized that it's just not going to work and my children don't need to see that kind of relationship. We are remaining good friends and truly want what's best for our children. We are just incompatible as a married couple. It makes me sad to lose the marriage but I think it will be for the best in the long run.

Anyway, we sat down the other night and wrote down everything we could think of as far as decisions that would need to be made.

We've decided on the custody arrangements. I will be the custodial parent but we are splitting parenting time almost 50/50 for our two year old. Our second child is due in February and he will primarily be with me but my H is welcome to visit him at my house anytime while I am on maternity leave and after that, anytime on the weekends. We will evaluate whether or not our son is ready for overnights away from me when he is 6 months old.

We've also decided on the child support and maintenance amounts according to the calculators for our state, my share of the equity in our house, how we will handle debt and retirement accounts, and I have set some conditions on grandparent visits, which he agreed to. We also discussed future dating/relationships with other people and wrote out what would and wouldn't be allowed when we decide to start seeing other people, what would need to be discussed before it happens (like a boyfriend/girlfriend meeting the kids), etc.

We plan on going to mediation and having them draw up the paperwork and submitting it to the courts for us for a judge to rule on. We don't see the point in both hiring attorneys, going to hearings, etc. since we agree on everything at this point.

Can you think of anything else we may need to discuss with the mediator or make a decision about? That was everything we could think of at the time.

CurlyQ284

How you will divide holidays. Who covers health insurance. How do you split costs above what's covered by health insurance? Who claims the kids on taxes? Who does the traveling for exchanging the kids. Will your ex do all the driving, you, or meet halfway?

It sounds like you both have a good handle on things and are doing a great job keeping it from getting ugly.

cole2144

Make sure to be as specific as possible, holidays, drop off times, who does transportation, enrolling the children in daycare, activities, how far a parent can move. I think it is great that you guys are working together but I would still get as much in writing as you can in case for any reason things go south and to save future headaches.

melandkeith2008

Thank you!

We do need to discuss holidays. H is covering the kids' insurance but we didn't talk about how we would split costs over what insurance covers, thank you for mentioning that! We live about 5 minutes from each other so I think the driving to exchange the kids will be an easy decision but definitely something we should work out on paper.

Thanks again! Very helpful!

fellesferie

You can discuss whether you want a right of first refusal clause (ie, if it's your parenting time and you have to be away, your ex would be given the opportunity to have the kids) and what you want the terms to be. I think most people on here don't like them, but some do.

It's tough with a two year old but you should think about school breaks and holidays.

My CO requires both XH and me to carry a life insurance policy of at least $100k payable to each other. 

How are you going to handle medical expenses? Mine obligates each XH and me to 50% of costs after insurance. I also added a clause that requires him to remit payment to me within 90 days of receipt.

I would encourage you to get an attorney, if only to look over what you've drawn up. 

Nineoceans

Vacations who holds the passport, how do you decide if kids can leave the country and under what conditions

Above and beyond things what to do if one of you wants the child to have braces, contacts, a car etc.

The other ladies covered the rest. Just be extremely specific especially with days and times.

10-4LilBuddy

Also include what will happen if someone wants to move. We have a clause where custodial parent cannot move more than 300 miles away without non custodial parent's approval.

Littlejen22

Do not agree to him stopping by at any time in writting, get a real agreement or in the future you will be in court over this.

emikat

What happens in the event of relocation.  Instead of limiting distance, if you don't want to do that, for a move; who would get custody or how would you handle the change in custody order if someone moves far away (out of state or mileage). 

Who pays for extracurriculars? 

Littlejen22

Who gets to enroll child in school and daycare, and what veto power the other person has. Definitely be specific about hand offs and if it changes if one person moves further away, and how custody changes if someone moves. Right now it might seem so easy especially if you live in the same town but if one of you moves out of time even 5 min away it could change schools, etc.

melandkeith2008

Thanks, ladies! I hadn't thought about a lot of this stuff!!

J&A2008

If one of you moves, how is transportation arranged and who bearsthe cost?  On dating/significant others, who/when is allowed to do pick ups and drop offs besides bioparents?   Besides big holidays, will you have designated times for Mothers day, Fathers day, birthdays, grandparent birthdays etc? 

 

twister22

Littlejen22:

Do not agree to him stopping by at any time in writting, get a real agreement or in the future you will be in court over this.

This. Don't agree to 'whenever he wants when I'm on maternity leave and on weekends after' in writing. What if you want to go have lunch with a friend and then he says "Well I'm coming over so you better be home with LO." Maybe agree that he can visit LO during the times he has DS and if he gives you x hours (i.e. 24 hours) notice.

I think the other ladies have covered most everything else.