- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
April 2013 Moms
jeborer
member
NBR: depressed (maybe a little graphic) (and longish)
jeborer
member
I know someone posted a while back about being depressed, but I can't find it. There's too many pages! And this is a bit different.
A lot of people think I'm crazy for this, but I can't kill things. I am deathly afraid of spiders, but I have somehow learned to cope with them being in my house - I either leave it alone, or I catch it and take it outside. I can't kill it. Can't kill bugs, mice, anything. The only things I really kill are ticks, and even then sometimes I don't! If someone kills a bug near me, or I see something dead, like a mouse in a trap, I freak out. I absolutely hate it. I don't know why I am like this, I just can't stand to see someone kill something!
Well, last Saturday, DH and I were on our way to the grocery store. We were waiting at the end of the driveway to pull out, and I saw a car hit a cat. I watched it run out, get hit, saw the car keep going, saw the cat stumbling, not being able to walk, trying to crawl away, getting across the street... I was - I don't even know what I was. I couldn't speak, I was stiff. I was horrified. When I see roadkill (which is pretty common), usually it's already dead, or I can make myself be okay with it because there's no way I can (safely) help a wild raccoon or something. But this was different! I have two cats of my own, and I was appalled, especially since the car didn't stop. And a kid had been standing by the road and saw the whole thing too.
Well, after sitting there horrified for a few minutes, and trying to figure out what to do because we have no money or way to help a hurt animal, my husband pulled over to where it was and we got out. He wrapped a shirt around it and picked it up. It had an obviously broken leg, I don't know what else was wrong with it, it was panting a lot too. (We couldn't figure out who it belonged to - it wasn't the kid's.)
I spent almost half an hour just trying to figure out what to do. There is, apparently, no emergency animal hospital IN MY ENTIRE COUNTY - and no humane society either! All we have is a dog warden and a volunteer APL that's only open 3 days a week. It was about 830 or 9 PM on a Saturday. Finally we decided that we would take the cat to the emergency animal hospital an hour away. They said they could look at it and we could either claim the animal and pay for it, or they could take it and do a "good Samaritan euthanasia" for free.
At this point I was about bawling, the cat was crying and trying to get away and was sooo sad, and I knew we didn't have the money to help him but I couldn't bear to have him put down. But I couldn't just leave him on the side of the road either, and I was freaking out. We drove the hour to the hospital, with me holding him and trying to keep him calm, and finally we made it. They examined him, and said that it would be a minimum of $500 (but more likely $1000 or more) if we wanted to even begin to help him, but they suspected that his injuries were worse than just the broken leg and that they recommended the euthanasia, which we opted for.
Anyway, (so sorry for the novel!!) I keep telling myself that it was what was best, and at least he didn't suffer on the side of the road until he starved, or went into shock, or got eaten, or froze to death. But I think about the poor thing all.the.time. It's eating me alive. I used to get seasonal affective disorder every year, and I have a history of depression, but I've never been on medication for it and I've done well at getting by. But I can feel it starting to come back. All I think about it how he looked stumbling in the road, and how he felt struggling in my arms, and his little meows. He was hit right outside my house, so when I'm driving anywhere I look at the spot and it all comes back. I'm deathly afraid that I'll hit something while I'm driving too. I'm going crazy.
Anyway, I just needed someone to tell! DH doesn't understand, and he just gives me a hug or says "I'm sorry" if I mention it. He probably would have left it on the side of the road if I hadn't been with him. I don't necessarily feel depressed though either - I just can't get it out of my head. I've had a couple bad dreams related to the incident, and I think about it so much that I really do feel like I'm going crazy. Do any of you have any advice for me? I don't work, and I don't have any kids, so all day long my mind easily comes back to it. I don't have anything to keep my brain occupied. And I don't really want to go on medication, because it won't help me forget.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: NBR: depressed (maybe a little graphic) (and longish)
It might just take time. I don't really have ayn other advice, but I wish I could give you a hug.
I am so sorry you had to see this and deal with it -- but you absolutely did the right thing by having the animal put down, and you went WAY above and beyond simply in "rescuing" the cat and bringing it so far away to be dealt with humanely. Most people probably would have just kept driving.
There is tapping you can do on pressure points on your hands to help aid with the obsessive thoughts. It's called EFT, you can look it up and go to a counselor to help with it, which I would recommend because of your complete aversion to death, if that's what it is... it sounds a little... extreme, unless you're a big PETA supporter type, which is why I suggest counseling.
How do you not work and not have kids?! Maybe volunteering somewhere will help you take your mind off? But ultimately, if it's driven by something deeper mentally/emotionally that isnt' in your control, then distraction won't really help. Google EFT and try it.
Well, I'm a FTM so this is my first baby, so no kids to distract me
And I lost my job two days before I found out I was pregnant. DH and I want me to be a SAHM, so trying to find a job for just the 9 months (well, 8) that I was/am pregnant was a problem. No one wanted to hire me. So between not being able to find a job, especially since I'd be quitting once the baby is born, I don't work. It sucks, because the extra income until the baby comes would have been nice, but we still manage 
And it was really nice during the 4 months of morning sickness and sleeping all.day.long.
Also I do volunteer once a week as the secretary at my church. That keeps me a little busy, but it's just once a week. I'll look into the EFT, thanks!
What a very traumatic event, I'm so sorry, but I do just want to give you a big hug for making such a heroic effort to help an animal that wasn't even yours. You also made a brave but compassionate decision to help the animal by having a vet humanely euthanize it... you brought it peace and comfort.
It does sound like you've had a lot on your plate, on your mind, and now this very difficult experience... sharing your story here is a good start (acknowledging that you were deeply effected by the event), but seeking counseling might be very beneficial too, as mentioned above. It does sound like you're experiencing some mild post-traumatic stress from the incident, and having a professional help you move on can be very healing!
good luck!
First off, you did so much more than the average person would do. As a fellow person owned by cats, I totally totally totally get where you're coming from. This would just about destroy me. Realize you did more than enough. Poor guy didn't die alone by the side of the road.
Second off, it will get easier as time goes on. Have you ever had to put any of your own animals down? I had to put a young kitten down and I beat myself up for not taking him to the emergency vet earlier in the day when I kind of suspected something was up. Reality is that sometimes crappy things happen for no reason at all. It does get easier, that much I promise.
Another poster mentioned the obsessive thought thing ... (I can't remember what was said exactly, sorry). I used to have to do this thing where when I had my "obsessive" thought (for me, it was always imagining the worst case scenario, esp while driving). I wore a rubber band around my wrist and when the thought came to mind, I snapped the rubber band against my skin. Yes, I had a welt for a week or so, but it worked.
It's manageable without medication most of the time. I have anxiety and general depression and tapered off my medications (under dr supervision) in 2011 when we decided to start trying to conceive. I'm considering getting a sun lamp to help with the sunless winters here in the Pacific Northwest and that may help me a bit. I also try to keep active (even if it's just a quick walk around the neighborhood) and have some socialization with positive, happy people. .
Feel free to message me if you have any questions.
And I stress this: you did your absolute best. You did. If it were my cat and you did that very same thing, I'd thank you. A million times.
Sounds more like a compulsion issue than depression, but I'm not an expert. I would recommend getting some sort of help -- not necessarily meaning medication but counseling or some type of therapy. It sounds like this is something that is consuming you and I say better to get help now than have it effect deeper parts of your life.
I hope that helps and you find some relief soon.
This, all of this. I also was on medications for depression and anxiety and tapered off before TTC. The negative obsessive thinking and anxiety make it difficult for you to see, but you did the right thing. You did not have to do anything, but you did, so the cat was not alone, and it did not die a horrible death. If it continues to eat at you please see someone who can help. Even if only for a few sessions, it is worth it.
I don't work or have kids yet either. I don't really get why that matters. OP, I am a lot like you. I have a hard time seeing any road kill and I don't like killing anything including bugs. I don't think there is anything wrong with this.
What you saw sounds like it was extremely traumatic. It's probably something that you will think about for a while. Counseling would probably help because you could talk about it and get out a lot of your feelings about death, but I do not think that you are having an unusual reaction. I would be a mess for a long time if I had gone through that.
You are an awesome person for helping that cat.
That sounds awful
It honestly sounds to be like you could be suffering from post-traumatic stress. You went through a very traumatic experience especially for someone who clearly cares about the life of animals etc. It's normal to not be able to stop thinking about something that impacted you so much; however, if the reocurring thoughts are interfering with your daily life, I'd talk to a counsellor if you have that option.
Hope you're feeling better soon,
edit: I also wanted to add that you did a lot more than many other people would in a similar situation and it sounds like you did what was in the cat's best interest.