violence

lookame3639

DS has been seeing a consullor for roughly a year now. At one point he got better(when he wasn't seeing his dad) then has gotten increasingly worse sinc visitation started.

DS recently went to see dad for 5 days untinterrupted then went back and forth between dad and I for 4 days(due to the holiday) and is now wih me for 5 days. He'll bounce back and forth anouther three days then go for a weekend. When I got DS back he was initially very clingy to me he had to be sitting on me or next to me a flipped when I left the room without his knowledge(he paniced and was screaming and crying and frantically looking for me) The next day came the violence. He got angry and started stomping on my foot. My reaction was to pick him up an walk him to a quiet area(we were in public) where he could calm down and then we could talk but then he started punching and kicking me as hard as he could and when I put him down he ran from me. I finally said ok we're leaving which came another intensly violent fit of screaming very loudly and kicking and punching me with all his might.

Today DS again got very angry. DS wanted to play outside but couldn't find his coat, socks or boots. So began the fits because he couldn't find what he needed he punched the table and screamed a couple of times. He fought me on everything...Once he found everything he kept going in and out of the house and would leave the door open. eventually we told him no more stay inside which again caused another fit of rage with screaming and crying, punching the door several times, punching the chairs and table. He physcially harmed himself punching these things.

After thse incidents we've been able to talk to him, ask him why he's so full of anger all of a sudden, ask if anyone looses control like that at his dads ect. We get few answers. I don't know what to do. It's one thing to get angry another to hurt someone or something around him...any advice??

Nineoceans

Kids don't always know why they are angry or aggressive so asking them may not get you very far.

What is his consequence or discipline for acting this way??

lookame3639

I have tried timeouts but when he's in his angry, violent state he gets worse. I have attempted taking things away, early bed times, and spankings but he doesn't seem to respond to those, just makes him more angry and he screams louer at me. It works well to ignor his antrum but it's hard to ignor it when your in public and he's physically hurting me, someone else or himself...

+just+j+

Spanking is not the answer.

DD throws fits and tantrums when she doesn't get her way.  It used to be worse when H and I were still living together and arguing alot but it's lessened the more stable and peaceful her life has become.

My only advice is to keep trying to re-inforce and teach your son how to deal with his fears and anger.  Whether it be in public or private, quietly remove him and give him a time out.  Let him throw his fit, but leave the room and let him do it privately. Do not fuel it with your presence or demanding that he stop.  I tell DD many times to work it out or work thru her anger and when she's done and can be nice, she may come out of her room. If she leaves her room, I quietly send her back and tell her firmly to stay.

It's not easy sometimes for me to remain calm because she tries to test me and she has struck me during some of her fits too, but I sometimes have to take a time out myself. While she throws her fits and I feel like I'm about to lose it, I step away, take deep breaths and remind myself she's a little girl who is learning how to cope with things and express her frustrations that she can't quite verbalize yet.

If you are concerned about his personal safety or emotional well being, the best you can probalby do right now is document his behavior and see if you can modify visitation somehow. 

lookame3639

thank you just j. I really hate spanking him and it really doesn't' help him(it' s like fighting violence with more violence) it has been a last resort. I try to remove myself but it' s very difficult to do in public. what bothers me is he has all the techniques to work through his anger but he refuses to use them. I remind him to take deep breaths and count to ten or however many he needs to and he downright refuses tells me "no". however your idea of removing myself and him and letting him rampage and not giving attention to it sounds good. maybe if I don' t show his rage attention it'll vanish quicker...do you feel like your DD is more violent when she has more trouble sleeping or when she' s stayed up later at night?

his counsellor  feels like DS may have adhd....could the rage be a symptom of the adhd? with medicine or vitamin b(read somewhere vitamin b is sometimes more helpful than medicating a child) could the rage and violence subside? 

FutureMrsWittig

How old is your DS?

The best advice I can think of is to try and help him recognize and give names to his feelings (You're angry, you're frustrated, you're sad, you're anxious... etc...) and when he's calm talk to him about communicating those feelings with his words and his expressions and not by hitting, yelling or throwing tantrums.

+just+j+

Yes, when she's tired, she gets pretty sassy and cries alot over little things.  She was sick too this past week and that did not help as well.  Lots of tantrums.

If you are in public, I suggest you take him out to the car. Put him in his seat, tell him that he needs to take a moment to calm himself and that you are right outside.  Stand where he can see you and where you can peek to see if he is okay, and let him rage. 

Of course, make sure first and foremost that he is safe. 

I have also just left my basket of store items with a clerk and they understand. I leave immediately.  DD seemed to realize that one REAL quick, that I won't mess around and all I have to say is "Do you want to leave?"  and she settles down pretty quick.

The other thing I advise is to keep talking to him.  And LISTEN. Eventually he will see that you really care about what he has to say and will allow you to help him work thru it.    It may not seem like getting him to count or do any of the other techniques are getting thru, but it will eventually.  It gets worse before it gets better because they are testing you. If you stay solid,  they will know that and realize it's not worth the fit. 

+just+j+

One other thing.  Try postively re-inforcing his good behavior. Ask him to try and see if he can get thru a day without a fit. When he does, praise him and let him pick out a dessert or mark on a calendar how many days he was good. If he gets to a certain number - he gets to go get a present at the end of the week. Keep increasing that number as time goes on. 

When he does do well - remember to tell him what a wonderful little boy he is and that you just LOVE IT when he's a good boy. And then give him lots of hugs and kisses.  DD loves it when I praise her and I can tell she's proud of herself. Which makes me feel wonderful that she feels good about herself. 

Good luck. You have a challenge, but you can do it. And if necessary - talk to his counselor about what's going on and see if they can help advise you.