Would you be annoyed??

Jillibean85

Prolly gonna be long, but a little back story...

Each Christmas there is an issue with a family member of mine, but I'll just go back as far as the last one. He came to visit and stay in my house last Christmas with a one-way ticket, undecided about when he was going to leave. At the time we lived in Key West and he knew some guys out there, so he decided to meet them out on Christmas Eve at a bar and didn't come home til about 8 or 9 am when I had to call him and rip him a new one for ditching us on Christmas Eve and not even coming back home that night. This is just the type of person he is in general and it irritates me... On top of that, once my Christmas break was over and dh and i started back to work, we could expect to come home around 3 or 4 pm and he would still be crashed out on our couch. I was pregnant at the time and extremely hormonal, called my sister crying and venting because I was pissed that he could be so inconsiderate but I felt bad kicking him out, but it made me anxious that he didn't have a "leave by" date. My DH kept saying, "Come on, he's family... blah blah" and my Mom stays on the fence as to not "pick sides", so i always feel like the bad guy cause i always end up snapping at him because I don't get why he acts this way at the age of 26.

Anyways, THIS year, in our new home in WA, he attended again and we hosted at our house with more family this time around. All he told me was he would be here Monday thru Friday and he decided to not rent a car, so we went to pick him up at the airport in Seattle (about an hour and 15 minutes away). Well the evening he was here he let me know that on Thursday (today) he would be going skiing with a friend he knows out here and then going out downtown in Seattle tonight. When this morning rolled around he decided to cancel out on the ski trip (he wasn't feeling very well yesterday, I assumed that was why), we all went to the casino for a bit together and he said he decided he wanted to take dh out tonight with him in Seattle to stay in a hotel... I wasn't for that idea to be honest, and maybe I'm "that wife", but the amount of money spent on Christmas, the casino today, drinks at the bar there, the $200 tickets for the New Years Party we'll be attending and my bad mood in the mix just wasn't helping. ANYWHO, so we're watching a movie at the house, everyone is relaxing and talking, sipping bloody marys when 8 pm rolls around and he finally stands up and says, "Okaaay, who's taking me?" 

I got pretty upset. First off I was upset because he makes/changes plans on a whim and expects people to just accommodate him at the drop of a hat. I thought that the friend he was making plans to ski with was going to give him a ride downtown since they were going out together... But since he decided to cancel the trip now we're his taxi service. I said it was getting late and he should have made better arrangements before he got here (i.e. rent a car), and we got in an argument about it. I feel bad, but at the same time it pisses me off because I just feel like he feels he is entitled to things, he isn't appreciative at all for anything that anyone does for him. I guess I just put myself in his position and i think to myself that I would never go visit family or friends and expect them to take me around or inconvenience them, so therefore I guess I get a little frustrated when he does it. If it was a one time thing i don't think i would be so bitter, but this happens every year that he visits. I always get an inner conflict because he's family and I love him, and i know to a degree it makes me a b***** that i didn't want to help him, but it just pisses me off that he's so inconsiderate! Everyone else in the family has an "I knoooow, but that's just the way he iiiiis..." attitude about it, and I'm the only one that stands up to it, and it's frustrating. I guess I just needed to vent, and i know some will say, "You do it for family," and i do agree to an extent. But when this person complains about the dinner you are making for everyone because they wanted something else, doesn't give a simple, "Thank you" when you paid for lunch yesterday, etc. etc. then it starts building up. 

Super long, I know, but thanks for letting me complain.  

bigbootyjudi

My SO's parents are exactly like that; do everything last minute, change plans spontaneously, and do whatever is convenient for them. They can never give us a time for anything we're doing. It drives me insane.

So, I definitely know how you feel. It sucks. Next time, I would make it a requirement for him to rent a car and make sure to tell him if he didn't, he wouldn't be going anywhere. It's unacceptable for someone that is 26 to act that way.

MrsCodeMonkey

Sounds like you had enough. This guy is very inconsiderate and that is a looong visit. He needs to call a cab or take a bus. You guys are not his personal drivers. It sounds like he's trying to have a vacation at your expense and time. Good luck!

robinsokj

He does these things b/c people let him.  Your family needs to learn to say no

EastCoastBride

robinsokj:

He does these things b/c people let him. Your family needs to learn to say no

This. These examples don't fall under "He's family, you just do it". These are all examples of HIM being a selfish a$$ who takes advantage of his family over and over. And he does it because no one says "no".

Here's my advice too- don't get into an arguement with him. When he asks "so, who's going to take me?", don't say anything. If someone else wants to be his patsy, let THEM volunteer. Don't argue this with him.

AND you can also, next time, say "Sorry- we're not able to put you up for the week". Let him stay somewhere else.

ALthough, I will say that I don't understand the big deal about him being on your couch when you got home from work.  He IS on vacation! 

klondikebar

Even if your family won't stop enabling him, you can. Hand him the number to a cab company. And don't let him stay with you again.

shadypines

That would SO not fly in our house.

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catycate

Yep, I'd be annoyed. Just because he's family doesn't mean you have to play taxi. Let him know that he needs to rent a car next time.

EastCoastBride

I'm going to add- you and your family are truly doing him NOOOOOOOO favors by enabling him.  You really aren't.  He's not learning to function on his own, how to problem solve on his own.

Right now I'm watching my 63 year old aunt die of cancer - and she's someone who was enabled her entire life. 

She's actually as sick as she is BECAUSE she was pandered and enabled her entire life.  She had blood in her urine for SIX months.  If she knew "how to take care" of herself and had gone to a doctor at the first sign, she wouldn't be dying right now.  But because she did nothing and was literally saved pretty much at the last minute by my mother - now she's dying a really slow, painful, sad death. 

She does nothing for herself.  She always waits for someone to save her.  This is a direct result of being enabled her entire life. 

DON'T DO THIS to your family member.

[Deleted User]

Duuuuuuude.  I do TONS for my family.  However, an on a whim 2.5 hour drive is not one of them.  Well, unless it's an emergency (which this clearly isn't!!) 

I agree with/understand your guilt that some of this could have been handled better & why you might feel like a beetoch.   But that can be avoided next time by being clear with him.  He doesn't seem to get common sense, so even asking him how he will make his change of plans work should be enough to give him the heads up he needs & relieve your guilt.  YKWIM? 

Stop being his doormat & you won't end up with mud in your hair.  He's an asss, and you were 100% right to not take him downtown.  

Jillibean85

Thank you! I was starting to feel like the bad guy here, I already know about the enabling thing, and honestly it's not me doing it! I'm only one person, I do put my foot down and he did end up cabbin' it. I felt bad, but whatever, I hope he learns a lesson from it. Thanks for the feedback!