What happened to my husband?

shelly19800

I need some advice from other mums and wives. Sorry, this is a very long story. My husband and I married 6 years ago. He has been a great husband. We had a little girl 2 years ago and when we had our little girl he was a great dad too. He took a lot of interest in my pregnancy and was very hands on with our baby.

Earlier this year, we started trying for another baby. He was totally on board and we tried for about 4 months, then one day I attempted to do the deed around my ovulation and he rejected me and told me he was starting to have second thoughts based on timing. I got upset with him because it was something we had already been trying for months, so th next night he was okay with trying again. I got pregnant from that one time. After that he completely changed.

He was acting so disinterested in this pregnancy. He didn't ask me how I was feeling, didn't want to come to any scans. I had a couple of scares with the pregnancy and he didn't seem to ask much or care. He would sit on the couch every night and be really quiet, spending hours on his by Giant Savings" href="https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/70858846.aspx#" in_rurl="https://i.trkjmp.com/click?v=QVU6MTczNjg6MzA1OmlwaG9uZTo1ZThhZTVlMmQ5YmE4ZjY3N2FjYTI1M2I1N2FjZGJlOTp6LTEyNDItOTM0NjI6Y29tbXVuaXR5LnRoZWJ1bXAuY29tOjM4Mzk6MzM5ZmViMWE1MjA2ZjQ0ZDQ3Yzk5Yzc3MzIzZDlkNDk">iphone tapping away. I would ask whats the matter and he would reply that he was fine. But sometimes acting like his normal self. He never used to be interested in going out for drinks with work colleagues and all of a sudden he was having work drinks every couple of Friday nights, which in fairness to him, I was getting a bit cranky about and didn't hide it.

We went overseas a few weeks ago and a couple of weeks after he got back, he put a letter in front of me saying he wasn't happy with our life anymore (even though we have a beautiful house in a nice suburb, he has a good job, we have a healthy toddler, supportive family, by Giant Savings" href="https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/70858846.aspx#" in_rurl="https://i.trkjmp.com/click?v=QVU6MjIwODI6MTE4Om5vIG1vbmV5OjdkZmFjODQwNzk1YTVmZTkwNzgyMGZjYmMyZmZlN2Q2OnotMTI0Mi05MzQ2Mjpjb21tdW5pdHkudGhlYnVtcC5jb206MTA4MDo5NDljYTFhMzI3NTFlNGNjMDI2MGZiN2Y5OGU1OWE4MQ">no money problems etc), his letter said he was no longer in love with me and was leaving. I was about 4 months pregnant. He had pre-arranged a packed bag and a friend to pick him up. He stayed at his friends place for a whole week and the whole time he kept putting me off, saying he needed time to think and wasn't sure if/when he would be back. Even though his letter the night he left sounded like a permanent thing. Eventually after a week I went to his mates house and told him he either came home or we were ending things. He very very reluctantly came home. I encouraged him to see a doctor and take some anti-depressants, which he did and is still on them. Ever since he's been back, he has been going out every week drinking with friends or work colleagues. He got home at 4am one night after work drinks and didn't send me any text messages to say he was going to be that late etc. He went out the other day with friends and was gone for 7 hours without one text to fill me in on what he was doing. As he was driving, I asked him if he had been drinking and should I come and pick up the car, he wrote back that he'd only had a couple and was fine to drive. I found out the next day he had been smoking weed with his friends, then drove home.

I am not sure how much more I can take of this. He isn't the man I married, or the family man he was for the first year and a half of our daughters life. He claims he has had a change of heart and doesn't want to end things, but his behaviour doesn't suggest that. He is smoking weed (which he hasn't done for years) going out for hours upon hours drinking and combining way too much alcohol with his anti-depressants. When I questioned him about the weed, he replied that his friends had asked him to go out the following night and he declined, in other words I should be grateful he's such a gem because he only did it once that week???

Is this normal man behaviour that I should just get used to? Do you think he's going to change back to the man I fell in love with? Should I leave him? I never envisaged myself being a single mum with my children being split between two homes, but I don't know what else to do. I'm 5 months pregnant and my husband is acting like a spoilt selfish brat.

What should I do?

Please help with any advice.

FormerlyKrista555

shelly19800:

Is this normal man behaviour that I should just get used to? Do you think he's going to change back to the man I fell in love with? Should I leave him? I never envisaged myself being a single mum with my children being split between two homes, but I don't know what else to do. I'm 5 months pregnant and my husband is acting like a spoilt selfish brat.

What should I do?

Please help with any advice.

(I'm going to assume this is all true. We are skeptical around here because it's not often that newbies post such personal info right out of the gate...)

We can't tell you what to do.  We can tell you what we THINK... but YOU have to make these decisions. 

Honestly, my question is do you think he could be cheating on you? I hate to put that out there, but I've been similar shoes, and even though I didn't want to admit it, it did turn out that my ex husband was cheating.

The fact that he goes out all the time and is out late, told you he wasn't happy, etc., are signs that he COULD be cheating. Not saying he is, of course, I don't know him, but I would definitely be watching for that.

You need to do what you can to protect yourself and your children from economic failure. You need to have your own bank account. You need to have your own money. Because you can't count on him. He has proven that.

If you do decide to leave, do you have somewhere to go?

Above all, (not to sound like Dr. Phil), but it's better for children to be from a broken home than it is for them to live in one.

Only you can decide what's best for you and your children. But, be strong. Don't base your decisions on emotions (as hard as that is), and base them on what makes the most logical sense.  What protects you and your children. 

GL. I'm sure these other ladies will give some good advice too.

PnkDingo

It sounds like a mid life crisis.

He was having second thoughts about a second baby and then after conceiving had a major shift in personality, it could be that it was the "straw that broke the camel's back" and made him realize that he's losing his youth, so to speak. 

 

tarebear9891

No this is NOT normal behavior.

You gave him a chance to change, he didn't. You shouldnt have had to drag him home. He may one day realize his mistakes but do you really want to wait for something that might never happen?

You can't make a marriage work when only one person is in it. I think you need to tell him you need time away from him and ask him to leave.

Meet with a lawyer and find out what steps you need to take.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

klondikebar

If this isn't mud, it sounds like he is cheating and/or on drugs. I'd lawyer up and leave.

Luckie519

As much as I hate to say this - I think there may be someone else. 

I don't really have any advice, other than to sit down and talk with him.  Do you want to work things out?

bigbootyjudi

Sure, that's normal man behavior...when the man is a 17 year old boy.

You absolutely should not "get used" to him drinking and smoking weed while out late. That would never fly around here. Maybe you should have left him at his friend's house. Any man that leaves his four month pregnant wife is a douchebag, IMO. I would sit him down and tell him how you're feeling and give him an ultimatum...shape up or ship out.

catycate

Lawyer up and start taking the steps to leave, so that when you do sit down and talk to him, you are prepared to stand by your word if he doesn't change.

JCM

Sorry, but it sounds like he is cheating and having somewhat of a moral dilemma dealing with it.  The kind of "should he stay or should he go"?  He may know deep down inside he is done but for the sake of the "man he used to be" and being a father he just can't walk out completely but you're no longer top on his list of priorities.  I think you need to decide what you want from this relationship & if you can live with the man he is today.  If not, you know the answer, pregnant & all you need to leave & get on with your life so it's a normal place to raise your children.

I have a friend that found out with a 3 week old her DH had been cheating on her her entire pregnancy & was even texting the girl while his wife was in delivery.  She's kicked him to the curb & is better for it! GL 

RondackHiker

No, this isn't normal behavior. No, you don't have to put up with this. Staying out late and not letting you know his plans? Driving under the influence? Not okay. If you know when he's driving, I'd call the cops. I had a friend die when a drunk douche piled into the car her sister was driving to soccer practice. Her sister is a quadriplegic now. That sh!t isn't okay.

If you want to save this, he needs to put in the work. Go to counseling with you, keep you updated on his plans, not risk his life and the lives of others driving.

He might be trying to see if you'll end things. A guy leaves his wife and kids and he looks like a douche. His wife kicks him out? He's the victim and his wife is trying to keep him from his kids and crap like that.

Driving under the influence of a mix of pot, antidepressants, and alcohol would make me so ragey that I might end things over that. I cannot stand that. I think it'd be a deal breaker for me, especially since you offered a ride and it seems to have happened more than once.

ridesbuttons

It sounds like there is someone else.

RondackHiker

AshPal61:

PnkDingo:

It sounds like a mid life crisis.

He was having second thoughts about a second baby and then after conceiving had a major shift in personality, it could be that it was the "straw that broke the camel's back" and made him realize that he's losing his youth, so to speak. 

 

I agree with this.

This explanation irritates me. But I admit I get very ragey about driving under the influence, and this feels like an excuse he could use. "It's just a midlife crisis, I'll knock it off eventually."

No matter what, OP, you need to decide what you're okay with. Do you want to live this way forever? Would you be okay if he was cheating? Since you're upset, I don't think you are okay with this.

Then you need to protect yourself and your kids financially, and talk to him. You can phrase it as being concerned for him with this major change in personality, but no matter what, things need to change. He needs to talk to a doctor about this or get counseling with you or simply stop being a doucheface.

TunaTown

KlondikeBar:

If this isn't mud, it sounds like he is cheating and/or on drugs. I'd lawyer up and leave.

This.

Sorry that you are going thru this, OP.

Better get a lawyer. You need to protect yourself and your babies, and pulling in a lawyer will be the only way to successfully do that. 

TunaTown

SouthSideDrea:

My first thought is cheating too. I'm sorry, men don't just, shoot people don't just change this way without some catalyst. If you are interested in saving your marriage go to counseling together. If he won't go, go alone. Get to the root of this. But don't allow it to continue, or this will be your marriage. 

But I don't think counseling will help. He's already presented her with a letter and went thru the motiions to leave her once.

If anyone gets counseling, it should be the OP by herself. This is a tough situation and a counseler may help her work thru the emotions she may be dealing with. 

shopgirl78

I'm sorry; it doesn't sound like he wants to be with you anymore but knows the moral thing is to stay.  I'd file first (you have year to act upon it) and I'd start documenting all this.  Keep the letter.   Best wishes & good luck.   

sadsadie

KlondikeBar:

If this isn't mud, it sounds like he is cheating and/or on drugs. I'd lawyer up and leave.

yup 

Wufroggy79

It sounds a lot like cheating.  As others have said, men usually don't choose to just up and leave their wife/family without some kind of change and hope that something else is out there.

BoatsNHoes

Even if you can get over the drinking, lying, driving under the influence, etc. Can you ever forgive and forget that he walked out on his child? That's the disconnect for me. Not happy with me? Fine, lets work towards making things better. Deserting your child and choosing alcohol drug and lord knows whatever else? Sorry but to me that is not something you can take back, midlife crisis or not. It speaks volumes about his character.

April!

I recommend therapy before a lawyer. Both couples therapy, and therapy for him. Who prescribed the anti-depressant? Can they give you a referral to a therapist?

I think it's a good sign that he came back when you threatened to end it. If you can get him to get some help figuring out what is going on, and get some tools from a therapist to help fix your relationship, then that would be much better than being a single mom. It sounds like he is going through some stuff and self-medicating by drinking. 

I'm sorry you're going through this. (((HUGS)))