NCDR rant!

JHough578

So I need to rant about something and I know you'll all listen, but beware, its long!

 My MIL, who is a really great woman and has been like a mother to me, has been lightly pressuring me to give D solids since he was 4 wks! She never BF and started giving Hubs cereal in his bottle at 4wks because "it filled him up." She feels that D eats so often and therefore, he's super hungry.  I have explained to her many times that BF babies may eat more often compared to FF babies and that its perfectly normal. Every time she calls us, she asks, "Have you given him cereal yet?" I just tell her we're waiting and leave it at that. 

We're visiting them now and we'll be here for about a month.  Everyday she makes a comment about needing to start him on solids. Yesterday I walked in the kitchen and she and SIL were letting D lick off an orange.  I guess I'm not upset that he tasted an orange but I'm scared where this is going.  I laughed and mentioned that he obviously didnt like it and quickly whisked him away for "a diaper change." So today we went out to eat and I left D in his stroller at the table.  When I came back MIL said she let him taste marinara sauce off her finger.  I was in shock.  

I've explained to her SO MANY TIMES that I understand it was normal back in the day to give babies solids so young but its not recommended anymore.  I've also explained that we are planning to BLW. I brought the book with me and let her look through it.  She was so excited but missed the part that I wanted to wait until around 6 months! Tonight she said she can't wait to make mashed potatoes to give D some at Christmas dinner.  

 I know I really need to stand up for myself and my son, but I just can't.  My MIL is a Master Chief in the Navy and is a very intimidating (but loving) woman.  I've always looked up to her so much that its hard for me to stand up to her.  I would make Z do it but he's deployed and doesn't really need this added to his plate.

I guess I'm not really looking for advice bc I know what to do, its just hard for me to do it! But...then again, does anyone know a really nice and gentle way for me to tell her to LEAVE MY KID ALONE!?!?!  Its not the end of the world and I'm so thankful for how she treats him but I'm afraid the next time I walk in the room she'll be feeding him pizza or something!  

Aurora_Borealis

Ugh, I would be so pissed. Especially since she chose to give your child two of the most acidic foods imaginable (you know, aside from straight vinegar) - orange and tomatoes.

No advice, but seriously I am annoyed on your behalf.

Maybe tell her that your LO had a bad reaction to the marinara due to the acid?

JHough578

Yes, it is very annoying!! I don't really understand why everyone feels the need to tell FTMs or any moms what to do. Honestly, I think she thinks I'm starving my kid! He is really big for his age and he eats 23 hours, like normal but this isn't normal for her. She thinks I don't know what I'm doing and is trying to help? I don't know. But obviously giving him an orange isn't going to help. It seems so common sense to me but I guess that generation has the "well we did it and our kids turned out fine" attitude.

I sound so lame saying I can't stand up to her but that's just how I've always been, and I hate it! While we were eating I sat a breadstick in front of D and said to her, " look he's not interested in it so I'm not going to give it to him." She looked at me like I was crazy! I've been thinking about it all night and I think I'm just going to start talking about all the things I'm learning in the BLW book and continue to repeat that he and I are not ready for him to start solids.

Ugh I really hate being in this type of situation! But thank you both for "listening"! I'm glad I'm not the only one that would be upset with this!!

JHough578

margaretkaye1:

But why does she feel the need to "help"? It doesn't sound like you're over there complaining that you can't get your baby off your boob long enough to pee or anything.
Does she know that she upset you? If not, maybe she needs to. If she did and doesn't care then someone needs to address it. Sorry

I don't really know. My dad raised me and she's really been the only mother figure in my life. I think she thinks I don't know what I'm doing and is trying to advise me in the totally wrong way? Like I said, she FF with rice since 4 wks with all her kids so what I'm doing seems wrong to her.

She doesn't know how I feel about it and that's my fault. I thought at first I was being too sensitive and I kept telling myself to get over it. But now I see I'm not being dramatic. I guess I'm going to have to grow a pair and tell her...and not leave D alone with her! They already think I'm the weirdest person for CDing BFing so I guess I'll just add this one to the list!

sthomas1222

I understand looking up to your MIL, I adore my ILs b/c my family is horrible. This is exactly the kind of crap my mom pulled with my nephew and I had to hear my sister complain about it but she felt she couldn't say anything b/c mom is watching him for free. Thankfully I'm not in the same situation and will not be allowing DD alone with my mom until we're ready to start solids. I was also told by my aunt that "some babies just need more. your cousin started all her kids on solids at 4 weeks." All I could say is that every mom has the right to make the decisions they want for their kids but I will be following the recommendations and research that says babies do not need anything other than milk (formula or breast) for the first 6 months at minimum.

I wish you the best of luck. I honestly don't know how to tell you to best approach this. I personally just wouldn't leave baby alone with them but I know that's impossible. But it seems they're not respecting your parenting decisions and as such not respecting you.  

CLLDLL

You can stand up to her, especially since it's for your kid.  If she's as good a MIL as you say she is, she'll understand and maybe even admire you for speaking your mind in no uncertain terms to her.

I would suggest making it sort of a big deal.  Find a babysitter or ask SIL to babysit for an hour while the two of you go get get coffee.  Tell her beforehand it's because you want to talk about something important.  When you have her complete attention explain that you take feeding your kid seriously and you feel strongly that he shouldn't start solids until he's ready.  Explain that you as the mom have decided to do BLW when the time comes and that you really want her support on it.  Also explain that you will not stand for her giving your son tastes of food between now and then.  I'd even go so far as to say that if she continues to try that you'll have to quit leaving her alone with your DS. 

Make sure you don't insult her by saying anything bad about how she raised her kids.  Just make it about what you as a parent feel is best for your kid (and his poor tummy after oranges and marinara sauce). Hopefully the conversation ends in a hug with her on board with your plans.

Good luck mama!  You're doing the right thing.

tjkdlhb

I don't like that she's sneaking behind your back to do it.  You should be there to witness when your baby gets to try solids for the first time, and you should the one to decide WHEN and WHAT that is.

Does your HCP give you any printed information about it?  Ours gave us booklets explaining the benefit of waiting until 6 months and then ways to introduce food (which I incorporated into BLW as many of the ideas were similar)

You might be able to print some off of Kellymom if not.

ETA: I just re-read and noticed that you explained BLW to your MIL and that she wants to start right away... This is SUPER dangerous!  Make sure that she understands that it must be at near 6 months!  And that she understands that nobody but baby puts food in baby's mouth!  It seems like she's getting the "we start w/ table foods idea" but not the reasoning behind it or the safety measures that must be followed.  BLW is fun, but it's not a free-for-all either.  Mashed potato at 4 months would be a major choking hazard!

unaveragejane

Your personality sounds a lot like mine; I don't tend to be assertive at all. I used to think it wasn't my place, I should defer to those who had more experience. However, I have had to learn (especially at work) that sometimes I DO know better than the other person and it is my responsibility to stand up to someone to protect a tiny human. It is hard, and I feel your pain, but it gets easier.

If I were in this situation, I think I would tell MIL, "I respect your opinions, but as momma, I am the Commander in Chief for this LO. I have made the decision that he will only have BM until x age, and I need you to respect my authority on this. No more tastes or licks. Period. Thank you for your love and support. I really do appreciate your standpoint, but it is time for you to appreciate and respect mine." Go into the conversation as calmly as you can...that's the hardest part for me. And hold tight to the fact that you are making this scary step in order to protect your baby. In the grand scheme of things, whether he gets food at 4 months or 7 months is probably not going to shape his entire future, but that's not the point. The point is that you are this child's first and best advocate. It starts out with feeding issues now, but eventually it can turn into bigger things. Standing up for your child's needs does not make you a B. It makes you a good mama. MIL might be surprised or even a little put off for a bit, but deep down as a fellow mama, she should recognize and respect that you are doing what you feel is best for YOUR child.

Lennongirl

I would print out articles explaining the virgin gut and give that to her to let her know in no uncertain terms that solids (or anything else but bm for that matter) is just not okay before 6 months old.

I'd be very upset if my MIL did this. 

Into+the+Kitty

I think my advice would be to stop letting her feel like she gets a vote. When you tell her why or how you plan on doing things, she thinks that the matter is open for discussion. She needs to know in no uncertain terms that you are your child's mother. Feeding a baby the first solid is for the parents only. She can't relive those moments with your child.

I'd stop leaving her alone with your baby since she's pushing this issue, and is clearly doing it when you won't be around to say no,

JHough578

Thank you all for the advice!

MIL hasn't been left alone with D since then. I hate that I feel this way but she really won't let it go. Every time I go to BF she makes a comment that I'm going to free him "again." Now BIL is even making comments.

So tonight after she tried to get me to feed him soup and I just told her he couldn't and that he won't have solids for a while. I did say the next time we're home she can watch him eat all kinds of fun things and explore all the new foods and how fun it will be to watch. She didn't say much. I just got the look that older women can sometimes give younger moms with all our "new ideas and rules."

This may be a long month!!