Talking back

FromCTtoCA

DS is going to be 3 in january....and he won't stop talking back time outs don't seem to curb it. It makes my blood boil. I'm not a violent person but I just want to slap his little mouth when he is so rude. I take things away and he flips- yells and screams.

 As you can tell at this moment I am done with my son and DH took him away so I could calm down.  I don't know where to turn, he is so strong willed and stubborn he makes me crazy. When he's wound up he goes bonkers- yells screams and throws things. help please!

Shayna0182

I've got a strong willed little guy myself, and I will tell you, yelling back NEVER works. At least not in my house. Ds turned 3 in June and one thing I've found most effective is taking away his most favorite toy or blankie.

That was great of your dh to give you a break. Mine does that for me too, and sometimes even an hour to yourself can make all the difference in the world.

megann831

I think you really need to try to calm down.  If he's getting such a reaction, maybe that's why he's doing it.  He may find it funny or like the attention.  What does he say?  DD has been very fresh lately.  She's told us things like get out of my face, stop talking to me, leave me alone.  When she says those things I just tell her that's not nice, and then I leave her alone.  I try to understand that she doesn't get how to nicely tell someone that she needs her space yet, so I listen to what she's saying, but still let her know there are better ways to say it.  I also figure she started daycare last month and is learning alot of new things, some good some not.  When she's really disrespectful I'll do time out or take something away, and I'm finally getting the hang of ignoring the temper tantrums. 

anvloveskme

DD has been on a *** up kick lately - two friends, one in psychology and one a teacher both recommended I get down to her level (on my knees) and look her in the eyes/face to face, tell her no/it's not nice/not the way we talk etc.  then repeat and make her sit down (like at the bottom of the stairs) etc.  it hasn't 100% alleviated it, but is better than just yelling at her.

KateLouise

Can you give an example of the ways he talks back? 

I try and give natural consequences. Someone talking rudely to me doesn't get my attention or my co-operation.

DD1 doesn't talk back, but she does whine at me, which I loathe. I just say, "I'm sorry I can't understand what you're saying." and wait until she says it politely.

Is it a matter of you give him a direction eg. It's time to go and brush your teeth and then he talks back because he wants to keep doing his thing? Does he actually do the action after he's talked back, or is there also refusal to do the action? 

 

kcisthebombdotcom

A lot of times this is a power play so if you change the way you word things you might have better success.

Today my son decided to bring his (messy) snack on the couch today while I was tending to his sister. My initial reaction was get off the couch with that right now to which he defiantly said no. Instead of yelling/punishing him, I said you have two choices. I asked him if he wanted to sit at the kitchen table or if he wanted to eat at his table instead. In that example I gave him some control back over the situation so he stopped being defiant yet I still got the desired outcome from his behavior.

Another thing about your words is choose them wisely. A long winded explanation about how you can't do something will go in one ear and out the other.  Get on one knee, lightly grab his shoulder and explain in short, concise words.

If he's doing something like being rough with toys (or others), redirect to gentle play and model what you want him to do instead. Actions speak louder than words.

If he gets wound up/out of control redirect him to a more appropriate activity that will burn energy. If he's got lots of energy, a climber and/or a kiddie trampoline are great, appropriate ways to get out energy. Heavy work activities like pulling a wagon with something a little heavy in it will help as well.

Giving kids some control in the little things or letting them choose between two acceptable choices really can help from having to manage the defiance as a power play over control.

diana.filipi

We are facing a lot of this right now too.  I feel like most days I use my stern/angry voice with DD so much during the day that by the evening I feel angry inside.  It's NOT the way I want to parent.

ETA: the kicker about the angry voice method is that it doesn't even work! Arghhhhh

DH and I have signed up for parenting classes offered through our city services.  I have heard really wonderful things about them.  I am really eager for them to begin especially since DH and I are going together with free child care.  DD turns 3 in January also.