Baptism questions-- no flaming, please

danieleandwayne

Okay, so my 96 year old, Italian Catholic grandmother looked at me like I had 3 heads when I answered her question about where I'd get our baby baptized with "We're not planning on getting the baby baptized."

I have a feeling my mom won't be as thrilled with this announcement either, although she got over my not having my wedding in a church pretty quickly but that may have been because she was more focused on the fact that I was letting her have absolutely no say in the wedding at all.

So. Is this an issue for any of you? If so, how did you handle it? If my parents/grandparents want to take the baby and get the baby baptized somewhere, I really don't care-- as long as the baby is old enough that I don't have to follow them to the service just to breast feed the LO. But I really don't believe in the need for baptism and religion/God plays pretty much no role in MH's and my life, let alone an organized religious entity like any particular faith/church.

I'm just not in the mood for a fight with any part of my family over this issue, but I do not want to pressured into some ceremony that I'd have to attend and then feel "dirty" for attending because I would feel like I was lying if I participated and said words I didn't believe and also feel like I was being disrespectful to those people who DO believe and hold the ceremony and faith dear.

ShellBear+

I didn't grow up with religion so my family isn't concerned with this.  My husband grew up Lutheran though and even though he hasn't been going to church for many years he would like to get back into it when we have a child and he wants her baptized.  Its not important to me but I'm not opposed to it either.  We plan on joining a church. 

I know your situation is different because you were Catholic I'm assuming and seem to have strong feelings against the church now.  If your DH agrees with you then I don't see why you should do it just for the sake of your family.  If your heart isn't in it and your will not raise your children in the church then I don't think its right or respectful to the church to do it. 

It just sucks because if this is the stance you want to take then you will have to deal with your family being unhappy. Hopefully they will get over it.  I wouldn't bring it up at all but if you are asked at some point later then you can say you aren't doing it and just don't get into a debate about it.  I'm sure you don't want to disappoint your grandmother so I totally understand your dilemma.  Good luck. 

Tigger & pooh

I am pretty sure your grandparents can not get the baby baptized even if they wanted to. They can however take the child to church weekly if they want and if your child wants they can make the choice to be baptized and confirmed as they get older.

danieleandwayne

Funnily enough-- I'm not Catholic. I'm only baptized Catholic, which was enough to be my niece's godmother in my sister's church (and I have no problem teaching my niece about the Catholic faith that my sister believes), but I was actually raised in an Episcopalian church because my mom's marriage to my dad is her 2nd marriage and having been divorced, she wasn't allowed to participate in Communion at the old-school Catholic church she had grown up in. (Things have changed since the 70s, apparently!) My dad is an agnostic/atheist-- I'm not sure which, really. I think he's more an atheist. So I know he won't care.

I am not religious at all. I don't believe in God. Or rather, I don't care if there is one. I appreciate the miracle that is life and the world, but I don't care who created it; I just appreciate that it exists and don't question it.

I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who has encountered this "predicament." I just wonder if my family or MH's will end up taking the baby one day under some other pretext and then getting him/her baptized on the sly. Which would be... awkward. The actual baptism wouldn't bother me so much-- if I don't believe in the ceremony, then it holds no power/significance for me-- but I would hate to have someone walking around considering themselves my child's godparent (and on a mission to raise my child with their faith), especially if it was anyone in MH's family. I can't stand most of them.

I guess I don't really have to worry about this until June at the earliest. It just came up a few weeks ago and it's been sort of stewing in the back of my brain...

letzgoracing81

I am having the opposite problem.  My boyfriend is Catholic (as is, all his family) and we want to get the baby baptized...but seem to be hitting brick walls.  First, because we are not married (or even engaged) and second, because I am not Catholic.  It would appear the Catholic church could over-look my protestant-ish if we were married or engaged.

It makes me feel quite sad....that my child will not be baptized because of the decisions his parents have made.

danieleandwayne

hisbabygirl76:

Maybe someone who is more of a devout Catholic can correct me if i am wrong but I have been told if I was to baptize my children I would have to finish up my classes (I was baptized and made my communion but not confirmed) and then have to take classes to baptize my children but ONLY the ones born while married. No catholic church has ever been willing to baptize my son. My FI looked up the rules of remarrying in the Catholic church and the only way I could was to have my previous marriage annuled which would make ALL of my children born out of wedlock. I will never understand the rules and regulations that the Catholic church holds you to.

Letgoracing81-you could always baptize your child in your faith.

I was baptized Catholic despite my mother being remarried and technically, according to the Catholic Church, I was born outside of my mom's first marriage so that even though my mom was married when she had me, it was not a legitimate marriage in the eyes of the Catholic Church. But I was allowed to be baptized-- at the same church that then denied my mom when she wanted to baptize my sister 2 years later!

For Catholics, it really depends upon the individual church. I was able to be my niece's godmother because I had been baptized but not confirmed. And I'm pretty sure the priest at my grandmother's or my MIL's church (not the same church) would baptize my child for them, even if it's not a big ceremony. You know, "to protect the innocent soul."

I don't think it matters which sect of the faith baptizes you-- it's all the same ceremony ultimately. The faith you get baptized in is *supposed* to be the faith/church you follow and belong to. But it all gets you into Heaven, according to the basic tenets of Christian faith.

At least as far as I have read, researched, etc.

This stuff is a virtual minefield!

Country Girl in the City

hisbabygirl76:

Maybe someone who is more of a devout Catholic can correct me if i am wrong but I have been told if I was to baptize my children I would have to finish up my classes (I was baptized and made my communion but not confirmed) and then have to take classes to baptize my children but ONLY the ones born while married. No catholic church has ever been willing to baptize my son. My FI looked up the rules of remarrying in the Catholic church and the only way I could was to have my previous marriage annuled which would make ALL of my children born out of wedlock. I will never understand the rules and regulations that the Catholic church holds you to.

Letgoracing81-you could always baptize your child in your faith.

DH was not allowed to marry me in the church unless he finished his confimation.  I was a convert so I did everything at once except for already being baptized.  His sister is divorced and had a Vegas wedding a few weeks before her kid was born.  She was able to have a baptism, no problem.  I think that it just depends on the church even within the Catholic faith.

crowdofstars

Country Girl in the City:

DH was not allowed to marry me in the church unless he finished his confimation.  I was a convert so I did everything at once except for already being baptized.  His sister is divorced and had a Vegas wedding a few weeks before her kid was born.  She was able to have a baptism, no problem.  I think that it just depends on the church even within the Catholic faith.

Wow! I think some of this stuff definitely must depend on the parish and on how conservative the priest in charge of the parish is. My mother was Presbyterian when she married my Catholic father in the Catholic church in the 1970s. They did go through Pre-Cana (for anyone not in the know, this is church-required pre-marriage counseling), and that seemed to be all that the head of the parish cared about. I was raised Catholic but don't really practice now. (DH and I weren't married in a church either.) But, I've been to tons of Catholic baptisms over the years and not all the parents were married. I'm really surprised to hear about all this. I must have been raised in a pretty progressive parish, although I never thought of it that way!   

HeathernSteven

Lurking from the ttc>35 board, hope you don't mind my input!

My uncle's son converted from Catholic to Baptist, my Uncle has baptized all his grandchildren, I don't even know if any of them know it, but my mother told me. the children are all very much into their baptist religion. there are emergency "baptisms" which might be the way the family could decide to go....its a tough call and I wish you the best in navigating the tricky road.

But I appreciate all your posts because I have been struggling with this idea, if we ever get KU. I am raised catholic, I participate on my terms, my husband is jewish, he participates in on his terms too, we would raise our child to honor both religions, I think we decided if its a boy to raise jewish, a girl catholic. But that deep religious upbringing occasionally panicks at my non existant child possibly not being baptized.

GraceInCA

I would just say "no". Trust me, they'll get over it. We both have religious families, and neither of us is religious at all (I'm an agnostic pretty close to full-blown atheism). We don't attend any kind of services with our son, and while there was some minor whining and moaning about that early on, they realized they have no say and they all just kind of got over it. 

If you want to get somewhat passive-aggressive and still get your way, just say, "Yes! It's in the works!" and then come up with excuses and delay indefinitely. They'll eventually give up.

 

Honestly, it's your child. It's not their business.  

soaringflutes

I was baptized Catholic as an adult.  Not that I'm practicing.  I'm not really religious anymore.  I do think that it's much harder for our generation to understand the cultural and religious devotion of the older generation...they had it so much different than we do, so no wonder they get upset.

I don't think it's right for the parents to baptize a baby if they aren't going to follow the faith.  Then it's just a sham before God. 

michelleonthecoast

I'm not Catholic but I've been to a baby baptism at a Catholic church.  They were baptizing 3 babies at once and it didn't take more than an hour.  I personally don't see the harm in letting the baby get baptized if it's that important to them.  If you think you would feel "dirty" you could just stay home and not participate.  If I remember correctly the priest performs the ceremony and does all/most of the talking and the parents just kind of stand there and hold the baby.  If it were me I would probably just go and let it happen.

danieleandwayne

michelleonthecoast:

I'm not Catholic but I've been to a baby baptism at a Catholic church.  They were baptizing 3 babies at once and it didn't take more than an hour.  I personally don't see the harm in letting the baby get baptized if it's that important to them.  If you think you would feel "dirty" you could just stay home and not participate.  If I remember correctly the priest performs the ceremony and does all/most of the talking and the parents just kind of stand there and hold the baby.  If it were me I would probably just go and let it happen.

Fortunately (unfortunately?) my parents raised me to be very staunch about my values. Personally, I think the baptism thing is a racket and another way of manipulating people's faith. And I also have read and studied too many Papal Bulls and gospels that were disallowed from the Bible when it was assembled in writing to respect the faith. So there is a part of me that says I don't want my child to be any part of that malarchy. As well, there is the part of me that says "respect my wishes on how I choose to raise MY child. Not your child. MY child. Eff off." If I give my mother or my ILs an inch, they'll take 2 miles.

We'll see how it goes. Ultimately, if I can't avoid pissing them off, they'll just have to get over it-- I'm sure by then, I'll be too tired to give a damn if they don't like my decision. LOL

Fitnessteach2010

I'm Italian Catholic too. My husband is Italian, but not Catholic. We decided we will raise the children Catholic, but it's a personal decision. It's your choice but family is going to have their opinions. In the grand scheme of life, it's up to you and your DH to decide what's best. 

Tiko99

I'm a lurker here, but couldn't resist responding because this has been on my mind for a long time. I'm not pregnant but my family is Catholic and my husbands family is not religious. We are not religious at all...I disagree with most of the teachings of the catholic church and don't plan on raising my kids in a church. My father has made many comments on where their grandchildren will be baptized, and I just brush it off. I'm really dreading the conversation.

I'm so happy so many others here are in the same boat and I'm not the only one!

Ok...back to lurking.

diana.filipi

To the pp who actually was wanting to have her LO baptized... is it important to you that the child be baptized catholic?  Baptists are happy to baptize, or in the case of an infant christen, a child born out of wedlock.

I no longer believe in god but I will say that when I was 12 I was baptized in our river and it was beautiful.  My parents Baptist church is very old, slave days old, and 30+ years ago when I was a kid they could only afford to hold services every other Sunday and there's no baptismal in the church so they are held in the warm months at the river.  My cousin and I were baptized at the same time.  It was amazing.  I don't think I would still even think about it if it had been done inside but outside with the congregation of about 30ish folks on the bank and my cousin and I wearing white gowns over our clothes and being led into the river waist high and leaned back until dunked was spiritual.

ETA: Geesh, that was a big ramble on my part.  Sorry ;-)

queenbone

**Lurker**

I am a practicing Catholic and both my sons were baptized within the first couple weeks of their birth. I'm also a Godmother to 4 people. I don't think you have to worry about your family being able to take your baby to be baptized w/o you. I don't think any priest would do that knowing that the parents are not part of the faith and will not be raising the baby as Catholic.

I'm sure that priest can counsel your g-ma on how she can pray for your soul and that of your baby, but he won't want to have the sacrament of baptism be a farce, kwim?  If it isn't something you believe in then your family needs to respect that, even if they are worried about your child's soul. I hope they go easy on you.

michelleonthecoast

danieleandwayne:

michelleonthecoast:

I'm not Catholic but I've been to a baby baptism at a Catholic church.  They were baptizing 3 babies at once and it didn't take more than an hour.  I personally don't see the harm in letting the baby get baptized if it's that important to them.  If you think you would feel "dirty" you could just stay home and not participate.  If I remember correctly the priest performs the ceremony and does all/most of the talking and the parents just kind of stand there and hold the baby.  If it were me I would probably just go and let it happen.

Fortunately (unfortunately?) my parents raised me to be very staunch about my values. Personally, I think the baptism thing is a racket and another way of manipulating people's faith. And I also have read and studied too many Papal Bulls and gospels that were disallowed from the Bible when it was assembled in writing to respect the faith. So there is a part of me that says I don't want my child to be any part of that malarchy. As well, there is the part of me that says "respect my wishes on how I choose to raise MY child. Not your child. MY child. Eff off." If I give my mother or my ILs an inch, they'll take 2 miles.

We'll see how it goes. Ultimately, if I can't avoid pissing them off, they'll just have to get over it-- I'm sure by then, I'll be too tired to give a damn if they don't like my decision. LOL

I guess I didn't realize you had such strong convictions about it.  Now that you explained it a little more, I would agree with you on NOT getting it done.  With family sometimes you have to stand your ground early on and let them know that they have to respect your parenting decisions.

Country Girl in the City

diana.filipi:

To the pp who actually was wanting to have her LO baptized... is it important to you that the child be baptized catholic?  Baptists are happy to baptize, or in the case of an infant christen, a child born out of wedlock.

I no longer believe in god but I will say that when I was 12 I was baptized in our river and it was beautiful.  My parents Baptist church is very old, slave days old, and 30+ years ago when I was a kid they could only afford to hold services every other Sunday and there's no baptismal in the church so they are held in the warm months at the river.  My cousin and I were baptized at the same time.  It was amazing.  I don't think I would still even think about it if it had been done inside but outside with the congregation of about 30ish folks on the bank and my cousin and I wearing white gowns over our clothes and being led into the river waist high and leaned back until dunked was spiritual.

ETA: Geesh, that was a big ramble on my part.  Sorry ;-)

I was raised Baptist and they do not baptize infants.  They have believers baptism which is why you had it done at 12 and not as an infant.