What has me down — The Bump
Late Term and Child Loss

What has me down

I know we?re probably all struggling with the holidays coming up? I am certainly struggling A LOT this week.  I?m at work but I am not working very much because I just sit at my desk and try to hold back tears (unsuccessfully).  I feel like it doesn?t make sense to go home though, because it?s not like that would make me happy, and I?m salaried so I?d be getting paid whether or not I?m sitting at work being only a little productive.

So only for the reason that I might get some help from making a list, I am going to share with you a list of everything that has gotten me down this week.  Please add your own list of struggles if you feel up to it.  I don?t really know how I want to be supported right now, or how I can support all of you, but I?m thinking the first step is to get a list.  (I mention TTC a few times below?)

1.       Christmas, duh.  How can I be merry if all I am doing is missing my son? I just keep thinking about al l the hopes I had for this holiday season and how quickly they were destroyed. 

2.       I don?t give a F about presents.  STOP ASKING ME WHAT I WANT!  YOU CANNOT GET ME WHAT I WANT.  I know it is just people trying to show they care, but no matter what, an ornament with Bradley?s name on it will not make everything all better.  I do really appreciate everyone?s kind gestures, but I don?t want to deal with pretending that an item will make everything all better. 

3.       I haven?t lost any weight for more than a week.  I used to lose (a hard fought) 3 pounds a week through dieting and exercise.  I have 9 pounds to pre-Bradley weight, and not losing any weight this week is not helping me achieve that goal.  I wanted to get down to pre-Bradley weight before we conceived again, which we are trying to do ASAP, so I want to lose the weight ASAP. 

4.       I had 3 BFN pregnancy tests this week.  (Guess I have another month to lose 9 pounds?)

5.       If we conceive next month the baby would be due on Bradley?s birthday.  I don?t know how I feel about that, and realizing I?m not okay with that.  I try to tell myself that it would be like Bradley?s gift to me, and it would make it extra special because both my children would share an important date, but its Bradley?s date.  So do I take the month off? (At least I?d have an extra month to lose weight!)

6.       Babies are everywhere.  No, I don?t want to see newborn baby boy clothes around my office.  WHY WOULD THEY BE HERE??!?!  Please take them home. 

7.       Bradley would be three months next Friday.    

8.       I?m 25 and I get I am young, but I wanted to be a young mother, and the fact that I have to wait another year to have a baby at home with me is causing me a lot of anxiety lately.  I?m a control freak, and I can?t apparently control my uterus.  Not cool. 

I think that is it.   Please make me feel less like an imbalanced crazy person and share with me what your struggles are.  I hope that it helps bring you peace.  I think actually typing my list out has helped me, hopefully now my brain can try to focus on my work. 

 

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Re: What has me down

  • 1. My EDD was yesterday, and I'm having a really hard time dealing with it. I've left work early sobbing 2 times this week.

    2. I can't even think about Christmas now that we've lost our baby girl. I'm skipping it completely..I know my family is gonna be pissy about it, but I don't care.

    3. My brother TEXTED me while I was at work the day before my EDD to tell me him and his wife made a honeymoon baby.--which was the reason for my first breakdown at work

    4. We started ttc last month, and I didn't realize just how devastating it would be to get a bfn

    5. I'm 27 years old and I feel like I'm about 100 now. I've always wanted to be a mom, and I still don't believe this is my life sometimes.

    6. My DH is amazing, and has been perfect in helping me through this. It makes me so angry when I hear about all these dead beat dads (a coworker always complains about her kids father) and I know DH will be such an amazing father. He doesn't deserve to feel this sad...:(

    There are so many more things...but here are the big ones...:( ((hugs)) to all of us!

    Jillian Rose- born 8/26/12 at 24 weeks. "It broke my heart to lose you but you didn't go alone, for a part of me went with you, the day God took you home"
    I love you always, my beautiful girl.

    Hysteroscopy 3/1/13 Dx: Unicornuate uterus

    || <a href="http://www.fertilityfriend.com" style="font-size:smaller;" >Ovulation TrackeMy Ovulation Chart

    BFP 3/18/13- Please be our Rainbow, we love you so much already.

    6/4/13-Found out we're having a BOY!!

    10/30/13-He's here!! Happy Birthday, Ryan! We love you so much! xo

    Lilypie - (Bfmg)

     

  • image starburst0928:

    I know we?re probably all struggling with the holidays coming up? I am certainly struggling A LOT this week.  I?m at work but I am not working very much because I just sit at my desk and try to hold back tears (unsuccessfully).  I feel like it doesn?t make sense to go home though, because it?s not like that would make me happy, and I?m salaried so I?d be getting paid whether or not I?m sitting at work being only a little productive.

    So only for the reason that I might get some help from making a list, I am going to share with you a list of everything that has gotten me down this week.  Please add your own list of struggles if you feel up to it.  I don?t really know how I want to be supported right now, or how I can support all of you, but I?m thinking the first step is to get a list.  (I mention TTC a few times below?)

    1.       Christmas, duh.  How can I be merry if all I am doing is missing my son? I just keep thinking about al l the hopes I had for this holiday season and how quickly they were destroyed. 

    2.       I don?t give a F about presents.  STOP ASKING ME WHAT I WANT!  YOU CANNOT GET ME WHAT I WANT.  I know it is just people trying to show they care, but no matter what, an ornament with Bradley?s name on it will not make everything all better.  I do really appreciate everyone?s kind gestures, but I don?t want to deal with pretending that an item will make everything all better. 

    3.       I haven?t lost any weight for more than a week.  I used to lose (a hard fought) 3 pounds a week through dieting and exercise.  I have 9 pounds to pre-Bradley weight, and not losing any weight this week is not helping me achieve that goal.  I wanted to get down to pre-Bradley weight before we conceived again, which we are trying to do ASAP, so I want to lose the weight ASAP. 

    4.       I had 3 BFN pregnancy tests this week.  (Guess I have another month to lose 9 pounds?)

    5.       If we conceive next month the baby would be due on Bradley?s birthday.  I don?t know how I feel about that, and realizing I?m not okay with that.  I try to tell myself that it would be like Bradley?s gift to me, and it would make it extra special because both my children would share an important date, but its Bradley?s date.  So do I take the month off? (At least I?d have an extra month to lose weight!)

    6.       Babies are everywhere.  No, I don?t want to see newborn baby boy clothes around my office.  WHY WOULD THEY BE HERE??!?!  Please take them home. 

    7.       Bradley would be three months next Friday.    

    8.       I?m 25 and I get I am young, but I wanted to be a young mother, and the fact that I have to wait another year to have a baby at home with me is causing me a lot of anxiety lately.  I?m a control freak, and I can?t apparently control my uterus.  Not cool. 

    I think that is it.   Please make me feel less like an imbalanced crazy person and share with me what your struggles are.  I hope that it helps bring you peace.  I think actually typing my list out has helped me, hopefully now my brain can try to focus on my work. 

     

    I have been struggling myself with your #2, honestly I can only dream of one thing I want for xmas, and no one can get that for me. You could get me a new car, or a stick, both make me feel equally as "joyful". 

    #8 If I hear one more effing time "well your young, so its ok you have time" I DON'T GIVE A SH*T HOW YOUNG I AM! I want MY babies, and I wanted them in may, when they were due. Just because I have "time" doesn't make ANYTHING ok.

    And no I might not "just get pregnant again" because I have to put my body through IVF AGAIN to make it happen. 

     

    I'm sorry you are having a hard time at work ((big hugs))

    Lilypie - (5WpR)
    Me(26)PCOS, Hypothyroidism & Incompetent Cervix  DH(28)Azoospermia
    4/11 Off BCPs -- Cycle 1-3 (6months) - No ovulation, Provera
    Cycle 4-6 - Provera, Clomid 50mg, CD23BW - All BFN (HSG-all clear)
    Dec 2011 DH S/A shows zero count - dx Azoo
    TESE 4/13/12 - Sperm found!! 5 viles frozen
    IVF ICSI #1- (Lupron protocol) 5R 2F 2dt- 2DP & 4CF - BFFN
    IVF ICSI #2-  (Antagonist protocol) Started stims 7/26
    ER 8/8 11R 9F 3dt - 9BF & 7BF (+HPT 8dp3dt)TWINS! EDD 5/1/13
    <312/9 Joshua David and Zoe Faith born too early at 19w4d due to incompetent cervix <3
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
      LAP Transabdominal Cerclage - 4/15/13 only possibility of carrying my children to term 
    IVF#3 - June 2013 -  canceled.
    IVF ICSI #3.2- (Antagonist Protocol) 7/26 start stims (same day, a year later from J & Z's stim start date!)
     ER 8/7 19R 9F 3dt of 2- 8BF embryos. (+HPT 7dp3dt) Beta #1 - 82.8 Beta #2 - 821 Beta #3 - 7254
    9/11/13 - U/S shows 1 baby HR 135bpm! EDD: 4/30/13
    It's a BOY!!
    2/9/14 - DX Gestational Diabetes
    C-section scheduled for 4/7/14 (36w5d)
    Colin Joseph - 1:07pm 6lbs 14oz - 8 days in the NICU
    Everyone Welcome!
  • I agree with several of yours, esp #2 and #8.

    1. Four friends all due within 4 weeks of my due date. So far, one delivered last night. I know the other three will be coming soon. I am happy for each of them, but so so sad that we thought we would be raising our babies together.

    2. I returned to work this week and people kept saying "Its good to have you back." I know they were trying to be nice, but I wanted to punch them.

    3. I get frustrated with myself that I am ok one minute, and the next minute punching the pillows and shouting. I know it is part of the process, but I feel bipolar.

    4. People keep telling me how "strong" I am. I have never been weaker, sadder, and more empty. If that is strength, someone else can have it.

    5. Everything reminds me of Elsie, because this is the exact opposite of everything we were planning for the next month. I know that is true for all of you as well.

    Lilypie - (qptF)


    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers 
    "Elsie Irene was born sleeping at 35w 6d on December 8, 2012. Mommy and Daddy miss you sweet girl."


  • 1.  Bri should be 11 months old, this should be her first Christmas and I'm having so much trouble getting through the days.

    2.  I don't want to hear "what do you want for Christmas?" anymore. I want Brianna back, here with us but nobody can give me her. That is THE only thing I want and I don't want anything else. If I try to think of anything else I cry. So stop asking me!

    3.  I've been trying unsuccessfully for 4 almost 5 months to get pg and still nothing. And this month nothing AT ALL. No af, no pg. I don't ever remember it being so difficult and I'm am so discouraged and let down and depressed. 

    4.  My house is a pigsty and I can't find it in myself to clean. I do a little but not what really needs to be done. 

    5.  I really, really need to lose some wt. I'm only eating 1 maybe twice a day and still gaining. The wii fit was helping me before but again like with the cleaning I should be doing, I can't make myself do it. I really want to though.

    6.  My boss is a total ass. Her newest thing is crawling up our asses about having a "positive attitude". I was the latest one for *** out. She purposely staffs us short to make her staffing look good so she can get bonuses. And she has the balls to *** us out. I am going to look into going to another floor.

    7.  My sinus' won't stop acting up! I am seriously getting sick of this problem. I went to the doc. a little over 2 weeks ago and took antibiotics for 10 days and still! 

    I really feel like I'm starting to go insane. I just feel real sucky. I'm sorry any of us are feeling so down. Here's some great big ((hugs)) for all of us.

    Tim 12/30/00 Brad 4/30/02 Alex 9/29/03 Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • I've been so up and down this week...ugh. A visit from some friends and some encouraging words helped me today, but I've been in a funk for awhile.

    1. I also got a BFN and started AF two days early. I knew this month would probably be a bust, but it still kinda hurt. And my body's still so off that I'm scared I won't be able to get pregnant again.

    2. I've backed away from friends having babies [or who have newborns, including my best friend] because I can't handle it. I can't be happy for them when I'm still so sad.

    3. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I'm gonna try counseling again. I mean, I have you ladies, and you're all great, but I want someone that I can lay into and scream and yell at without feeling bad. Someone that will help me talk through my problems instead of just coddle me [you guys don't do that, really - my family and friends do, and that doesn't help].

    4. Plans are in the works for DS and I to move to where my husband is stationed, and I wish it would just happen already. My H was here for two weeks and left a couple of days ago, and I feel lost without him. I just want us all to be a family, to have another baby, for things to be normal. They won't ever be normal though.

    I just want to give all of you big hugs. I know the holidays are a tough time, and I really appreciate all the support that you guys give.  

    ________________________________________________________________________________


    Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Your number 2 is 110 percent my biggest one!! Also, we have been trying to get pregnant again for a year now. I am the matron of honor in a wedding next August 9 months away and I just can't not try this month even though I know if I actually got pregnant that it would screw everything up. I feel like everyone in the BL community has lapped me. I get excited every time a BLM gets her rainbow but it sucks that my loss was before most of theirs and I am still waiting.
    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    image

    image

    ***Congratulations to my TTCAL buddy Roxyttandme!! It's a GIRL!! Charlotte arrived on 9/29!!!!***
    PGaL/PAL Always Welcome!!
  • image LuckEinLuv:
    Your number 2 is 110 percent my biggest one!! Also, we have been trying to get pregnant again for a year now. I am the matron of honor in a wedding next August 9 months away and I just can't not try this month even though I know if I actually got pregnant that it would screw everything up. I feel like everyone in the BL community has lapped me. I get excited every time a BLM gets her rainbow but it sucks that my loss was before most of theirs and I am still waiting.

     

    Oh my god that's exactly how I've been feeling for a while too! ((Hugs))

    Tim 12/30/00 Brad 4/30/02 Alex 9/29/03 Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • Thanks everyone for sharing. I knew we'd have a lot in common. Hugs to everyone!

    i hope writing the things that have you down helped a little! 

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • image LuckEinLuv:
    Your number 2 is 110 percent my biggest one!! Also, we have been trying to get pregnant again for a year now. I am the matron of honor in a wedding next August 9 months away and I just can't not try this month even though I know if I actually got pregnant that it would screw everything up. I feel like everyone in the BL community has lapped me. I get excited every time a BLM gets her rainbow but it sucks that my loss was before most of theirs and I am still waiting.

    Do not skip trying this month! Weddings are important, but so is your family, and you have to do what is right for you! 

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • 1. I just want Christmas to not exist again this year.  We're having it at our house for the first time this year and I swear DH's family is going to ruin it.  DH's brother, his wife and their 3 kids are spending the night Christmas eve along with DH's parents.  I remember waking up crying last year and don't really want to be around kids who are all pumped up about Christmas.

    2. That was totally me last year.  I'm still that way.  I don't want gifts.  Especially from my in-laws.  They're always crappy.  Last year I got a pen from DH's grandparents, with my name on it, only it was spelled wrong.  I have a "could be a guy's name, could be a girl's name that I use (nickname for my actual name) and they gave me the guy's version.  Pisses me off that they don't even know how to spell my name.  I've been in the family for 12 years now.

    3.  No matter what I do I do not lose any weight and it's driving me insane.  I have a closet full of clothes that I can't wear because they either don't fit or I look like a stuffed sausage.

    4.  I'm off tomorrow but have to work on my birthday (the day after Christmas).  DH has to work tomorrow but is off on my birthday.  My birthday always sucks anyway but this year it's really going to suck.

    5.  I constantly figure out the "if I get pregnant right now I'd be due ____"  I don't want to take a break but I have a major fear of RSV now and don't want to have a baby in the winter.  Then I hate myself for being picky because I'm actually not.

    6. Corbin should be 1 this year and actually starting to do the present opening thing even if just a little. My parents should be spoiling him rotten.

    7. Babies are everywhere and it's pissing me off.  I keep asking God what I did wrong and why we're not allowed to take care of Corbin and watch him grow.

     

    In memory of Corbin Scott 10/28/11-12/3/11. Heaven got another angel the night you left this world behind Heaven got a little better the day it took you away from me Missing you tonight, see you again sometime For now I'll close my eyes and dream of heaven tonight I'll love you forever I'll like you for always Now and Forever My baby you'll be

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

     

     

    corbinsmommy.blogspot.com


     

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