NBR...Being disappointed with gifts

aliska

My DH is not good at buying me gifts.  I have been disappointed with the past few gifts from him (Mother's Day: a card, barely mentioned the day, and I didn't even get to sleep in, then a week later a gift card to the spa...Birthday: t-shirt, but I don't wear t-shirts).  We usually set a spending limit for celebrations (usually $50-$100).  I give him lists, but he doesn't get the stuff on the list because it usually involves time (example: watch the baby so I can go buy new running shoes...never happened and then he asked if I ever got new running shoes, nope).  For Christmas I asked him to make a frame for an antique map that I bought a while back.  He is just now looking into it, and there is no way it will happen in time.  How do I not act disappointed on Christmas Day?  Is it ok to say, "the gifts you give me make me feel unappreciated."?

BoogieMonster629

I say its the thought that counts. Stop whining.

lisamoe

I've at times felt dissapointed but would never say anything.  But thats just me, I dont really care about gifts for myself to much anymore.  I figure if there is something that I really want, I go out and get it.  Maybe you should do that?

Little&BigPea

Kerri816:

I say its the thought that counts. Stop whining.

While I would agree, it is usually "the thought that counts," from OP's examples it seems he is not putting much thought into the gifts at all.  I mean, a T-shirt when she doesn't even wear T-shirts says that he didn't really think too much about the gift.  

OP, I am sorry, I am not sure there is a good time around the holidays to say anything.  However, maybe after the stress and craziness of the holidays is past there will be a good time to bring up the fact that you don't feel like he puts in much effort or thought into the gifts he gives you.  You should always have open conversations about these things in a relationship.  If you suppress it or suck it up it'll grow and fester inside you until you blow up about it and it becomes a fight or something much larger than it needs to be. Good luck!

clineak

Little&BigPea:

Kerri816:

I say its the thought that counts. Stop whining.

While I would agree, it is usually "the thought that counts," from OP's examples it seems he is not putting much thought into the gifts at all.  I mean, a T-shirt when she doesn't even wear T-shirts says that he didn't really think too much about the gift.  

OP, I am sorry, I am not sure there is a good time around the holidays to say anything.  However, maybe after the stress and craziness of the holidays is past there will be a good time to bring up the fact that you don't feel like he puts in much effort or thought into the gifts he gives you.  You should always have open conversations about these things in a relationship.  If you suppress it or suck it up it'll grow and fester inside you until you blow up about it and it becomes a fight or something much larger than it needs to be. Good luck!

This. Absolutely.

swimiz500

Hav=Fath:

Kerri816:

I say its the thought that counts. Stop whining.

Well, that was rude. That's the problem IMO, it's the thought that counts, and obviously he isn't putting enough into it. If he worked really hard and still came up with a crappy gift I'm sure she would be much more understanding. A t-shirt when you don't even wear t-shirts is crappy.

I would tell him after Christmas exactly how you feel and give him some examples of what he got/what you asked for. 

I agree with all of this.  I had a similar problem with DH, he would just plain old not bother. He never put thought into it, and that was the part that hurt, not the gift itself. We talked about it, and he has been trying harder. I think it is worth talking about if it is upsetting you. I totally get where you are coming from; it isn't the actual gift, it is the fact that he is not listening or putting any kind of effort into it.  

Lauren79

Kerri816:

I say its the thought that counts. Stop whining.

Really? 

Anyways, I would communicate with him after the holidays and tell him exactly how you feel.  My DH is all over the place with gifts.  Sometimes he is amazing, last year he bought me a ruby and diamond heart necklace b/c it is DD's birthstone.  This year, he hasn't even started shopping.  I have realized over the years, he needs help.  He really doesn't know how to shop and is not creative.  He needs ideas.  I hate giving ideas because I like to be surprised.  Some men just don't understand how important it is to us women.  Two years ago DH bought me a Nook after I told him I didn't want one.  I personally like books.  To this day it sits on my bookshelf unused. 

DH is finally getting it after all these years.  I have realized because he is so on and off with gifts, it does not mean he loves me any less.  He is just bad with buying gifts and he doesn't remember how important these little things are to me. 

Try to talk to him.  I do understand how you feel.   

IlliniQT

aliska:

My DH is not good at buying me gifts.  I have been disappointed with the past few gifts from him (Mother's Day: a card, barely mentioned the day, and I didn't even get to sleep in, then a week later a gift card to the spa...Birthday: t-shirt, but I don't wear t-shirts).  We usually set a spending limit for celebrations (usually $50-$100).  I give him lists, but he doesn't get the stuff on the list because it usually involves time (example: watch the baby so I can go buy new running shoes...never happened and then he asked if I ever got new running shoes, nope).  For Christmas I asked him to make a frame for an antique map that I bought a while back.  He is just now looking into it, and there is no way it will happen in time.  How do I not act disappointed on Christmas Day?  Is it ok to say, "the gifts you give me make me feel unappreciated."?

I'm sorry you're feeling down -- and I don't think you're being whiney at all, it's hurting your feelings, and that's fair.

 Do you have a hobby lobby though?  They do beautiful custom framing, for super cheap.  You pick the frame and then they help you pick the matting, and they assemble it -- they're beautiful!  And you might be able to get it in time for Christmas!

tawillers

Kerri816:

I say its the thought that counts. Stop whining.

Where's the thought?  In the fact that he won't take care of his child so she can go to a damn store?  In the tshirt she got for her birthday?  In the week-late mother's day gift?

No, none of this is acceptable.  These things are important to you, and that's perfectly ok. But you need to understand that you are going to have to speak up if you want any of this to change.

It's ok to let him know you'd like him to take gift-giving seriously. Let him know it hurts your feelings to be a last-minute and in some cases an afterthought.

Different things are important to different people.  Don't feel selfish for feeling this way.  It's obvious that he doesn't put any thought into these things and that's the most hurtful part.  If you've been together for longer than 1 year, he should know that holidays are important to you.  It won't kill him to make an effort.

aliska

Thank you for your responses!  I do tend to let things bottle up because I don't want to sound whiny, but then I get really mad for a small thing.  I will talk to him after the holidays.  What is funny, is that last night DH came to me and said, "I haven't had a chance to make your frame, but I want you to know that I will finish it over Christmas break."  (He is in grad school and has about a month off.)

MOONGIRL2467

clineak:

Little&BigPea:

Kerri816:

I say its the thought that counts. Stop whining.

While I would agree, it is usually "the thought that counts," from OP's examples it seems he is not putting much thought into the gifts at all.  I mean, a T-shirt when she doesn't even wear T-shirts says that he didn't really think too much about the gift.  

OP, I am sorry, I am not sure there is a good time around the holidays to say anything.  However, maybe after the stress and craziness of the holidays is past there will be a good time to bring up the fact that you don't feel like he puts in much effort or thought into the gifts he gives you.  You should always have open conversations about these things in a relationship.  If you suppress it or suck it up it'll grow and fester inside you until you blow up about it and it becomes a fight or something much larger than it needs to be. Good luck!

This. Absolutely.

 

Well put Mrs. Pea

The tshirt gift is a good example unfortunately, due to the fact that you don't even wear tshirts.  Definitely talk to him, I always emphasize "I feel" etc, instead of sounding like you are pointing a finger "you don't this or that" . GL  

MOONGIRL2467

aliska:

Thank you for your responses!  I do tend to let things bottle up because I don't want to sound whiny, but then I get really mad for a small thing.  I will talk to him after the holidays.  What is funny, is that last night DH came to me and said, "I haven't had a chance to make your frame, but I want you to know that I will finish it over Christmas break."  (He is in grad school and has about a month off.)

Aww that's thoughtful of him I think. Still have that conversation though!