How would you feel?

akraxner

I found out today my mother-in-law and sister-in-law won't be coming to my baby shower and I sobbed for about 20 minutes straight.

Let me fill in the details.  My in-laws live 9 hours away.  My mother-in-law has severe allergies, so bad that she had to medically retire.  I have always had a bit of a feeling that my in-laws hold me responsible for my husband moving away (even though it was his idea to move).  They hardly ever come up here, yet they get mad at us when we don't come down all the time. They refuse to come up here to celebrate any holidays and expect us to use our PTO this year (that we both really need for maternity leave) to see them for Christmas. So when my best friend sent my MIL and SIL a message on Facebook to invite them to help with the planning of the shower to make sure they were included, my MIL said they wouldn't be coming. I can honestly say I was shocked, totally heart broken, and offended. Especially since she said that we are to call her the second I go into labor so they can come up and she said that she can stay as long as we want (God help me).  My poor husband had to hear about it. Am I being a hormonal crazy person, or would you be upset too?

JSS1002

I don't think I can relate --

BUT, is the reason they can't come for the shower because they wnat to come to meet the baby?  Asking anybody to take two trips is asking a lot.  When I got married, I was pretty much of the belief that I wasn't gonig to expect ANYBODY to come from out of state.  That is just asking a lot.

Buggygirl84

Obviously you're entitled to feel how you do. We can't control that. Is the timing of your shower conflicting with something else that's important to them (SIL & MIL)? Before you get angry or more upset, they may have a very good reason for needing to pass. Also, if your MIL has severe allergies, perhaps she's worried about another woman's perfume causing an attack and it's just easier for her (and her health) to avoid those situations. ??? not sure if this is an issue - but if her allergies do prevent her from doing some things, it may not be easy for her to travel outside "safe" areas.

I would advise you to call her when you've calmed down and explain that you're sad she won't make it and see if there is a valid reason. Plus, if she's traveling 9 hours (which can be expensive as you know) to meet baby and help you out for awhile, perhaps she feels like another trip a month or two earlier is just too much.

Good luck! 

mypalbabs

Zomg, I'm such a cynic.  My read on this was that MIL is not coming to the shower b/c there's nothing in that for her.  She wants to come to the birth because she gets a grandchild out of the deal.

Spacebunny19

I can understand being disappointed; due to my mom's health, she could not attend my shower  for DD#1 (she has since passed away).  But I understood and visited with her separately (she was in "quarantine" after a stem cell transplant.)  

So it's understandable to be sad or disappointed they can't make it.  That being said, 9 hours is a long way to drive (or expensive to fly.)  If they're coming up for the time you NEED them there--and I would have KILLED to have had my mom help when my daughter was born, believe me--then I would try to focus on her coming up later and enjoy my other guests at the shower.

It's not like your MIL promised she'd be there and backed out, and it's very likely that, as a PP mentioned, that there may be a concern that her allergies would be triggered being around all those perfumed/scented lotion wearing women.  So you have a right to feel disappointed, but please don't pass that disappointment off as a guilt trip to MIL or anything.  She doesn't owe you coming 9 hours for  a party. 

jessidoreen

My parents live 10 hours away. I wouldn't expect them to make the drive, take time off if they work, for my baby shower. Even 9 hours is a long drive, plus round trip, plus time for sleep and baby shower is too much, IMO. 

keado

I understand how excited you are about the shower . . . I honestly think you are overreacting a little bit to this particular situation.  That is a long way to drive for a shower, particularly for people who don't really make the trip on a regular basis anyway.  We lived eight hours away from my in-laws at one point, and I didn't drive down to my SIL's shower, either.  To some people showers are a big deal, and to others they just aren't.

The fact that she wants to be there when your baby is born and to help you guys out is awesome . . . I also wish I had that from either side of the family!  

I totally get where you are coming from in being frustrated that they don't travel to see you more often.  Neither mine nor my husband's family visits, and driving that four hour drive monthly sucks.  For some families, baby changes everything, so hopefully they make an effort to be in your life more.  

akraxner

Thanks guys.  I think my hormones are getting the best of me.  I kind of took the whole thing personally.  She later asked me to push back the date of the shower to March 17 (when I'm due April 14).  I feel like that's kind of pushing it, so I'm just going to let it go.  But, I'm glad I got your input because I now have a different perspective and I'm not so upset.

jrjl450

i don't think you are being emotional; i would be a little pissed too. it sounds like it's a date issue, if she asked you to change when you would be having the shower.

you still have plenty of time to change the date; i would do that so she can be there for the shower.