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Newbie and doesn't know what to do

OctoberTen10OctoberTen10
in Babies on the Brain

We've been married for two years, I'm almost 28 and hubby is 32. I never wanted children until I met his family and his nephews, however, he's never wanted children and doesn't think it's something he wants. We've been together eight years and I was on the pill until we got back from our honeymoon, which was 7 months after we got married. Dh said it was okay to get off the pill which dramatically rose my hopes of having a baby. We don't actually try to get pregnant but we don't use any type of protection and he pulls out 99% of the time. I have a hard time getting him to open up and talk about a baby which makes me frustrated. He knows I don't want to be any older but I don't think he's never going to come around.

 I know girls have posted on here about the same thing pretty much but I needed to vent and I don't have any girlfriends to go to... 

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Re: Newbie and doesn't know what to do

  • DebateThisDebateThis member

    WTF is wrong with you two??

    If he still doesn't want children, what in the world are you doing not preventing their existence any more? 

    You need to go back on the pill (or some other reliable form of birth control) until you can have an honest conversation or ten about whether he is actually ok with having kids. 

    And you're not going to like hearing this but you really need to have an honest conversation or ten with yourself about whether you want to stay married to someone whose life desires are diametrically opposed to your own. It's not good for either of you to rope the other person into a major life decision without the other person's full support - and if you went into a marriage knowing full well that he did not want children, it's pretty crappy of you to stop taking BC now when he obviously still doesn't want them.

    Six years of infertility and loss, four IUIs, one IVF and one very awesome little boy born via med-free birth 10.24.13.
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  • KenziKKenziK member
    The way I see it is that, if your DH absolutely did not want to be a parent, he would not have been okay with you going off the pill. Even though he pulls out, there is still a chance that you could become pregnant, and he is allowing you to take that risk. I would still have a serious talk with him though about having children, and if it's something he truly wants. You also have to decide if this is something you know you want to happen, and if you would be okay staying with your DH and never having children if he were to say he never wanted them.
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  • magdalina.hmagdalina.h member

    It sounds like you got married knowing that you either both or one of you never wanted children. You can't expect him to change his mind just because you did. He knows that with you being off the pill there is a chance you can get pg, but that doesn't mean he's on board with trying.

    I wouldn't have married MH if he told me that he never wanted children while we were dating. That was a deal breaker for me.

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  • TheMrs923TheMrs923 member
    I have to agree with PPs.  Just because you changed your mind doesn't mean you should expect him to do the same.  You married him knowing he never wanted children.  That's not just something people say.  They usually mean it.  Get back on a reliable form of birth control and have a grown up talk (two years too late) about what the two of you can/should expect from this marriage.
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  • OctoberTen10OctoberTen10

    We went on our honeymoon 7 months after getting married because of a new job situation. He said I could stop taking bc after the honeymoon so there  wouldn't be a chance of being pregnant while on honeymoon.

     With him saying it was okay to get off the pill I figured if it happened, it happened and that he would be okay with it knowing full well it could happen. We both know the risks of getting pregnant without any form of protection. He's not one to do something he doesn't  want to do if someone else does. So if he was 100% decided on not having children, he wouldn't have agreed to let me stop taking the pill. I wasn't being "crappy" and stopping them because I felt like it, he had a say in the matter.

     We've tried talking about it but he doesn't open up about things very easily. We've had several talks about it. He has gone back and forth on the topic, whether he's ready or if he wants to at all.

     I won't leave him if the final decision is to not have children. It'll be something I have to accept. And NO, I did not expect him to change his mind because I did. 

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  • DebateThisDebateThis member
    imageOctoberTen10:

    We went on our honeymoon 7 months after getting married because of a new job situation. He said I could stop taking bc after the honeymoon so there  wouldn't be a chance of being pregnant while on honeymoon.

     With him saying it was okay to get off the pill I figured if it happened, it happened and that he would be okay with it knowing full well it could happen. We both know the risks of getting pregnant without any form of protection. He's not one to do something he doesn't  want to do if someone else does. So if he was 100% decided on not having children, he wouldn't have agreed to let me stop taking the pill. I wasn't being "crappy" and stopping them because I felt like it, he had a say in the matter.

     We've tried talking about it but he doesn't open up about things very easily. We've had several talks about it. He has gone back and forth on the topic, whether he's ready or if he wants to at all.

     I won't leave him if the final decision is to not have children. It'll be something I have to accept. And NO, I did not expect him to change his mind because I did. 

    This is utter bullshyt. Your first post says you know full well that he does not want children and you're hoping he changes his mind now that you're off the pill but that you don't think he's ever going to come around. Newsflash: getting knocked up with an unwanted baby does not make the person want the baby any more or change their mind completely. If he's made it clear to you repeatedly that he doesn't want kids, then you need to do a little reading between the lines and get back on your damned birth control or you're going to be a very bitter, very single parent fighting tooth and nail for child support from a man who never wanted the child in the first place.

    You should be ashamed of yourself. You have unilaterally made a decision that affects not just your life, but your husband's any any future children when your husband has made it explicitly clear that he does.not.want.children. "He's ok with no birth control" is a lazy, half-assed copout for you. He was clear in his words to you - now follow them and stop hearing what you want.

    Six years of infertility and loss, four IUIs, one IVF and one very awesome little boy born via med-free birth 10.24.13.
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  • OctoberTen10OctoberTen10

    I think you missed when I said he's gone back and forth on whether to have one or not. Maybe I should have explained that a little more. There has been times he's mentioned that it would be okay to have one but another time he'll say he isn't sure. He has not put his foot down and say no, we're not doing this. 

     But I appreciate your thoughts, thanks ladies! 

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  • frootyloopsfrootyloops member

    I have to disagree with some of the PPs... I DO agree that you and your husband need to sit down and have a long talk about things, because pulling out is NOT preventative birth control.  If my siggy pic is working today, you will see the 4 year old cutie pie that was supposedly prevented by pulling out. :P

     

    My DH came into this relationship with a child, and for our whole relationship, we said that she was enough for us, and we didnt want to have more children.  It was so nice having alone time when she was with her mom - best of both worlds kind of thing.

    I had issues with BC pills, so I went off them, and we used pull'n'pray, along with a knowledge of temps/CM/other signs, to avoid - which worked lovely for nearly 2 years - hah.

    But I will tell you one thing, our marriage is just as strong, and we love that child NO LESS than if we had have spent those two years TRYING to conceive her.  No one here is bitter, our house is fun, and loud at times, and full of snuggles.

     

    Sit down with him and make sure that he is aware that there is a HUGE chance that this will happen.  Maybe he doesn't know how to put into words that he has a changed his mind, OR maybe he doesn't know the RISK he is taking.  The only way to know is to discuss it.  Tell him you are open to having children with him now that the situation has changed,  See what's up on his side... but do it BEFORE the baby comes into play... dont play with someone else's life :)

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