Struggling

mork

This is going to be one long vent.  I need to get it out, maybe to help move past it all.  Feel free to back out now!

I feel like I've been robbed of this whole baby experience, from start to finish.  I was really looking forward to being pregnant.  My whole life I wasn't sure I actually wanted children and the responsibility that came along with them, but I always wanted the experience of being pregnant, and the experience of being in labor and giving birth.  Due to my five losses before DD, I spent my whole pregnancy worried and in denial, not to mention stressed and depressed due to the loss of my Mom.  I don't remember any happy pregnant excited times.  And then I didn't even get to experience labor or giving birth.  She went into distress and I had to have a c-section.  (Although I still wonder if she really was in distress.  She had been moving away from the monitor all night, and I wonder if they just lost her and only had my hr during her "distress," but I let myself be convinced because I knew I would never forgive myself if something happened to her that I could've prevented.)  Everyone keeps telling me I wasn't missing much, and that I was lucky to miss out on the labor, but they don't get how much I really wanted to experience it.  It's a right of passage I didn't get.  The only thing I have to hold on to is that my water broke right before the c-section.  I had one tiny part of the experience.

Now I'm dealing with the breastfeeding issue.  Again, it's something I really wanted to do.  But we've had problems from the start, and we've been supplementing with pumped bottled since day three.  Turns out she had a physical reason for not being able to get milk from me, but we didn't find that out for seven weeks.  Meanwhile, my milk supply was based solely on pumping, and is a sad amount.  So much so I can no longer keep up with her needs, and we have to add formula into the mix.  We fixed her jaw problems, but now we have new issues.  One, she's not strong enough or used to breastfeeding correctly, so she's still not getting much, and that's when she latches. Right now she just screams bloody murder every time she feels or even sees the breast.  Cue Mama crying and stressed out more.  So, I spend my life pumping every three hours, trying to breastfeed for 45 minutes, then giving a BM bottle, then giving a formula bottle.  There's about 60 minutes leftover in every session to change her, go to the bathroom myself, eat, sleep, and/or actually hold and try to enjoy my baby.  Yet another thing that I've missed out on.  I don't feel like I get to enjoy my baby at all.  I don't look at her in wonderment.  I just wonder when the next five minute break will be so I can finally go to the bathroom or whatever.  

I have yet to really enjoy a moment of this whole baby experience, and it really hurts.  Right now DH is sitting and enjoying the chance to soak up his little daughter while I cry and let this all out.

And now my LC suggests I pump every two hours to try and up my supply from the sad little 40-110mL it is.  How that will work I just don't know.

So, these are the reasons I don't comment much.  I do manage to read the posts while pumping, having one hand for DD, and having my phone in the other just for mental retreat.  But, it's hard to do check-ins etc. when I have to read about others' oversupply, ability to pump massive amounts (and yes, 3-4 oz per side, or even total sometimes, is a massive amount to me), and great moments of watching DC do something cool or reach another milestone.  DD hasn't even smiled yet, although others her age seem to have been doing it for a while.  Maybe she has and I missed it.  That's totally possible right now. 

Thanks for listening, and know that I'm not trying to say others shouldn't post their issues and excitements.  I typically like to read them, but I'm really down that I don't get them right now, and it sucks.  Ok, back to your regularly scheduled programming. 

chloebeth930

I am sorry you are struggling so much. I can relate a little. DH was gone for the birth and first 4 months of DD's life. I feel like I got robbed of the whole excitement of going into labor and having a frazzled husband, getting to experience those first moments of her life with him, and then sharing her for the next few months.

Even now, 7 months later I get upset when I watch TV shows or movies where the wife hands her husband their newborn baby and they stare in wonder and cry together.

When I think back to those first few months I am upset because I spent so much time and anxiety worrying about DH dying that I wasn't able to fully enjoy DD.

One thing that has helped me is that I really try to stop having expectations of what I thought raising a baby should be like and just start living each day as it is.

I think it is amazing that you have been working so hard with the breast feeding but after reading your post it seems like that is a lot of your stress and unhappiness. I had to stop the breast feeding early and at first I was really upset and guilty but in the end it was the right decision and it made daily life with DD so much more enjoyable.

Hang in there, this is just a rough patch!

JulyMomma2U2

Oh, Mork!  Huge hugs!!!!!!

I'm so sorry you are finding things so difficult.. I can REALLY relate to a lot of what you are saying.. honestly!

Even with regards to the birthing process.. I signed waivers against medical advice because I really wanted that experience of a natural birth.. it just so happened DS was not going to allow that, and I too, ended with a c/s.  Like you, I wonder if it was absolutely necessary.. but I would never have forgiven myself if I pushed harder, and something happened to DS... even now that I've found myself pg again, I'm being told VBAC just isn't possible due to the closeness of their births.. it's quite sad

And, like you, I had a very stressful pregnancy.. was high risk the whole time due to some complications and such (bicornuate ute, shortening cervix before 20 weeks, GD, Pre-E, etc)... it was rough.  There are very few times I remember feeling happy..

And, again.. with the BFing.. DS was in the NICU.. he had massive tummy issues (still does at nearly 5 months).. there are lots of times i regret not pushing harder to get nursing to work.. but, reading posts like yours reminds me of why I didn't..

Those first weeks, I was as upset as you were.. DS screamed all the time, I was doing nothing but pumping, fighting to get him to latch, after he nursed, I'd feed him pumped milk, and then I'd have to supplement with formula because I had such a drop in my supply.. it was terrible.  I remember spending NIGHT after NIGHT sobbing.  And, feeling just like you.. I didn't look at DS and think Oh My God I'm so in love.. I looked at him and thought.. please sleep for 3 hours so I can have a break before having to do this again.. and then, I felt guilty for feeling that way..

That was when I made the decision to stop nursing and start formula.. even switching wasn't a smooth transition as we had to bounce from multiple types of formula before realizing DS had a milk allergy and needed to be on Nutramigen.. it was very tough..

And, like you, I'd read so many of the posts here and would bawl my eyes out.. not so much for the feeding, as I had come to terms with that, but DS had awful colic.. and he just screamed all day long.. I can remember posting about it on here, and I'd see so many people would have read it, but I'd only have a couple of responses.. I just felt so bad.. like I was the only one going through that.. it stung... and I felt like it would never get better.. but, it did.. 

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way right now.. just know, this too shall pass.. I know a LOT of people will tell you to keep pushing with the nursing, that it'll all work out.. but, I promise you, you are not a bad person if you decide otherwise.. from a mental health/emotional standpoint, at that time it was the best decision I made.. it allowed me more time to ENJOY DS.. to not be so stressed out myself.. yes, I felt guilty that I wasn't nursing him.. but, I knew I was a "happier" Mommy once all that stress was eliminated...

((((((huge huge hugs)))))))  Thinking of you and really hoping things ease up soon!!!

hopefulmom81

Oh my goodness, mork.  I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling.

For what it is worth, I think what you are feeling, though your situation is specific and unique, is normal.

Have you read "Why Have Kids?" by Jessica Valenti?  It really talks about the myth of perfect motherhood and how we set ourselves up to these false ideals. 

I am not sure if this will help, but I REALLY struggled right around the time that you are in. I was ranting to Petra and Shmeell daily about how anxious/stressed I was. 

Have you thought about going to talk to a therapist at all?  Not that you NEED it, but it might help you find more peace?

I went to a therapist from weeks 37 pregnant to DD being about 3 months old and it helped a lot.

((HUGS)) 

EDITED:  Also, YGPM 

martinimomma

((Hugs)) You are not alone. 

It is hard to process when things do not go according to plan, or what you were prepared for, or what others have experienced.  I am sad that I will never get to experience a natural delivery (I really just knew I could do it, and was psyched to do it, but frank breech meant c-section), and that I will never have the "happy baby" experience.  DS had horrible colic/reflux for a looooong time, and like you I found myself looking at him thinking "what have I done?" far more readily than "squeee!".  If one.more.person IRL gave me unsolicited advice (( I got fantastic advice here, of course) I would have lost my shiznit.

So here's a little unsolicited advice while I am at it - while your DH is loving on your LO, get out of the house.  Breathe fresh air and be responsible for only yourself for 15 minutes.  Take a long shower.  Run to Starbucks and get yourself one of those allegedly addictive tasty holiday drinks.  Even a few minutes can help clear your head.

Breastfeeding issues?  I hear you, and know lots of ladies on here do too. Sometimes as I struggled with DS at like 3 am I just thought, "natural my azzz."  It is not always easy.  Just know that whatever happens, the important thing is feeding your LO however makes the most sense and keeping yourselff sane.  A little BM is better than none, and let's face it, loads of kids do great on formula so do not beat yourself up at all. 

Even now, with DS having allergy/sensitivity issues and some mild developmental delays, some days can be a challenge.  But having run the gauntlet I can tell you that it will get better, you will be able to sleep for more than a couple hours, and some day sooner than you might think you will find yourself typing an email just like this one. 

((More hugs))

Missa_g

I don't post often but I can't not respond. I have struggled for a long time with the premature birth of my boys, their two month NICU stay, the three months I spent pumping around the clock attempting to meet their needs, etc. Our situations are different but similar. I can empathize with everything you wrote. It's not fair that we struggled for so long to get the opportunity to experience these things and then we were robbed of it. I know your plate is incredibly full right now, but I highly recommend therapy. It's something that has to be done when you're ready, but please consider it. I'm having a lot of success remapping my thinking with a counselor who specializes in EMDR. Those early months are so tough when you feel overwhelmed and like you can't enjoy them. Please keep reaching out to us.

Petunia844

Big hugs mama.  I can't relate on the labor front because I was lucky enough to get the delivery I wanted the second time around...but I TOTALLY relate on the bfing side of things.  When Raylan came home I felt completely robbed because while I was so happy to have him home, I was so indescribably sad that I didn't get that with his brother, it took a lot away.  Then add on to it the fact that he couldn't breastfeed and I was a mess.  I struggled with it for a long time, but now that my milk is dried up and he has been on formula for about two weeks... I'm finally able to move passed it all.  Yes I wish I was breastfeeding him, but I'm not and he's doing wonderfully.  I'm able to enjoy him so much more now, I feel more like his mother now than I did when I was struggling with breastfeeding because he just makes me smile all the time.  It was hugely important to me, I cried for weeks to get to this point, but we've turned a corner and we're both happier for it.  I don't understand why it doesn't work out for everyone, but it doesn't.  That's ok.  You will experience so many other ways to bond with that beautiful little baby and you might always miss breastfeeding a little, or have a twinge of jealousy when one of your friends sits and breastfeeds in front of you... but even that will probably pass.  I know this is what's best for us.

 I also know this was mostly just a vent and you didn't necessarily want advice, so big hugs, I hope you feel better soon. 

Izabella22

I'm sorry you are struggling. Its so tough because you definitely get all these expectations of what the entire experience is supposed to be like and hearing how easy breezy it is for others just makes you feel like a huge failure. Which is so untrue... but when you combine feeling like crap, no sleep, hormones, no time to even remotely adjust your expectations (or pee or eat!) its impossible to see. And its tough not to beat yourself up on top of it all. Just remember to take care of you too, it sounds like you are really killing yourself to make Bfing work and that is causing a lot of your own stress... just remember you can replace BM, but there is no replacement for mom, and LO needs you more than anything else.  Hang in there!

CnAnA

We love you Mork!! I agree with everyone else. I have nothing else to add. Please be kind to yourself. Hugs!!

MickeyM04

Mork, I am so so SO sorry to hear that you are struggling.  As you can see from some of the above posts, you are NOT alone.  I know you just want to vent, but I hope it's OK if I throw in my two cents/share some of my story.

My goal was to EBF for 6+ months, but as someone who had previously been medicated for anxiety/depression, I started spiraling into this funk of anxiety/depression/panic/crying/etc. around 5 months.  After struggling and crying and crying and struggling, I realized it was best for DS to have a healthy, HAPPY mom.  I could feel myself not being invested in him, just going through the motions, not smiling at him, not enjoying him, not taking it all in.  I was literally on auto-pilot.  And so I made the difficult decision to start weaning before I wanted to, and get back on my meds.  Now please don't take this as my way of telling you to stop BFing or telling you that you need to be medicated.  Honestly, I stopped BFing over a month ago and I am still dealing with finding the right combination of meds/therapy/etc (turns out my old meds no longer do the trick for whatever reason).  But I still know it was the right decision to make for me because at the very least, although I'm still trying to figure out the right cocktail of drugs, I'm no longer just staring at DS blankly, bathing him like I'm a robot, feeding him on auto-pilot, holding him stiffly, etc. 

And at the time I started weaning, I felt AWFUL about it.  Like I was being selfish for taking care of me instead of DS.  But now, you know what?  He's on formula and he's fine and he's still happy and he still lights up when I walk into the room.  The only difference is, now I light up when I see him too.  And I realize now that I did the right thing because I did the best I can and BF'ed as long as I could mentally stand it, and it's better for him to have a mama that is just gaga being in the same room as him rather than a mama who stares blankly at him feeling like the world is about to crush her.

So the moral of my long drawn-out story is, take time to just think about you for a bit.  And do what is best for you.  Because what is best for your DD is to have a healthy, happy mama.  And would it be great if that healthy, happy mama could also be a mama who EBF'ed or BF'ed or ?  Sure, but it's not in the cards for everyone.  Someone told me once that a good mom is one who knows when to ask for help when she needs it.  Not that you need professional help or pharmacological help or anything like that, but the point of the matter is, maybe you need to take time for YOU, whether it be through therapy, not dealing with the stress of BFing/pumping anymore, going away for a weekend with the girls, whatever.  I promise you that although you will feel guilty about taking YOU time at first, in the end you will thank yourself for it.  PM me if you ever want to talk.  I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

mork

Thank you for the support and advice ladies. I feel not so alone.

katigox

I'm sure I have nothing to add that hasn't been said already, but I couldn't not reply and offer up some hugs and support.  It's definitely good to know that there is support out there for everyone (so definitely feel free to vent whenever you need to), and I really hope you can reach a point where things don't feel so overwhelming, soon ~ 

csquared426

Oh hun, I'm so sorry. First off, huge ((HUGS)). Second, I can relate somewhat. After having 6 m/c's over 3 years, I don't feel like I enjoyed being pregnant as much as I always wanted to. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop and to have DD taken from me.

BF-ing was a nightmare from the beginning, and I only did it for a week, then pumped for 5 weeks, and gave up since I couldn't keep up with her demands. I feel like my body let me down.

I went back to work last week and am completely overwhelmed and am struggling to keep it all together. I'm on the verge of tears constantly, and the fact that Christmas is here and I have to host 2 families over 2 weekends I just want to cancel it all and say *** it. I'm so done. I'm so over it. 

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. We're here for you anytime you need to scream/vent/cry. (((HUGS)))

race-to-be

Im so sorry to hear that things aren't going the way you had hoped. Please be gentle with yourself and remember that we can't take care of our little ones without taking care of ourselves. Ben and I struggled with BF until hospitalization and while we medically couldn't continue Bfing, I still feel tremendous guilt about it sometimes. The bottom line is that yes, bf is best most of the time, but in some cases it just doesn't work out. You have gone above and beyond with your bf efforts and, like pps have suggested, maybe it is time to reevaluate. We bf for 6 weeks and Ben and I are both much happier and healthier now. Bf just didn't work for us this time.

Sorry, nothing new in my post I just wanted you to know that you're not alone.

WearingRed

Just hugs!

charmedgrl517

Huge hugs!!! You are so strong and I give you so much credit for continuing BFing. I just couldn't do it anymore after 4 wks and although I felt guilty, we were both much happier.

KJsbabe

((Big Squishy Hugs)) I'm so sorry you are having a rough time right now. You deserve to be happy and to enjoy your baby. I's not fair that you haven't been able to do that yet. We are here for you and love you. 

angielayne926

Oh, Mork! 

This makes me so sad to read that you are struggling so badly.  I don't have much to add to what the PP's have said, I just wanted to make sure to let you know that you're not alone and to give you some ((((HUGS)))). 

FmrAFBrat

(((HUGS))) You have been through so much in such a short time.  You're really doing better than you give yourself credit for.  I think so many of us on here envision the way things will go with our LOs and the pressure to do what's "best" that we lose focus on what is really important a happy mom and baby. 

I think most of us on this board try to to what's "best" a little more to make up for our loss(es) and it only makes us more stressed out when we can't. Just focus on what is best for you and your LO.  FWIW I've talked to someone in the past...it can't hurt.

 

xleslieraex

Super duper huge ::hugs::

 I'm sorry I don't have anything more to add. Just ::hugs::

gilmoregirl105

I am so sorry, sending you big ((hugs)).  

bluebonnetmeg

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. I can relate a little: I feel robbed of most of my last trimester as well as being able to hold my babies right away. Having both boys in the NICU was really hard, and not the way I pictured it all!

Breastfeeding has been an issue too. Trying to keep up with their demands is exhausting. At one point I was breastfeeding both, then topping them off with a bottle, then pumping. It was horrible and I had no time leftover for anything else. We recently switched to a combination of breastfeeding and formula and things are much better. ((HUGS)) Please don't feel bad about switching to formula, if that is what you want/need to do to gain some sanity. We are all here for you.

tbone_bride

So, so sorry Mork.  I think everything you are feeling is completely normal.  It's great that you reached out to the ladies on TB.  I hope you find some peace soon, and know that someday you WILL be able to enjoy your baby.  ((((HUGS)))))

DCWJes

*huge hugs*

I can understand your frustrations. When DD was born, I was only 19, single, and scared out of my mind. I went through the entire pregnancy without support from anyone. I feel like with my losses, I have been robbed. I was robbed the chance to share the first kicks, to get to have my husband/SO get me what I am craving most. I lost the chance to have my husband by my side to see our child being born. I only have one picture of my bump from DD and I was only about 4 months pregnant. That sucks. Nobody wanted me to be pregnant and back then, digitals weren't as big as they are now.

As for BFing, I tried it until she was 3 days old. I had nobody I could talk to about my frustrations about trying to get her to latch properly and nobody told me to go back to the LC to see about getting anything remedied. I missed out on that very special bonding time.

I also missed her first steps, that sucked. She was at daycare because I had to work so much. It sucks.

I understand how you are feeling, its frusterating when things aren't going the way you want them to. Its stressful and you just want things to be perfect and when they aren't you get robbed. But, its a part of being a parent. I have no advice, but do just take a moment to bask in the joy of being a parent. Its hard and frustrating and you love every minute. I really hope things get better.

BarooGirl

Just want to say I am sorry and give you some hugs.

Scooby2358

Oh Mork, I'm so sorry you're struggling. I'm late to this post and everyone else has already given great advice, so I'll just add some ((hugs)). You absolutely deserve to enjoy your baby, and whatever route you take to get there, I hope you get to a much happier place, very soon.

karma79

Huge hug!

I had a really hard time post preg and spent a lot of time stressed, crying, feeling down. I had a terrible time with BF and had to throw in the towel at 6w. BUT it did get better so please try and remember that it will get better. The frist 3 months were sooo incredibly hard.

Take care sweet lady!

orleyl

I rarely post but lurk occassionally and your post caught my eye. With my dd#1 I experienced some similar issues as far as labor and breastfeeding. I found out she was breech at 39 weeks and had to have a c-section, my whole pg I stated I just dont want a c-section. I felt robbed of getting to experience labor and my recovery was rough. I then couldnt produce enough and tried pumping bc she would scream bc she was starving. Pumping I only produced 1 oz per session and soon gave up but with so much guilt and sadness. I developed PPD and went on meds. My feels improved. Point is sometimes we need to let go of our expectations and go with the flow. Maybe ff is better for you, there is nothing wrong with formula, my dd is a healthy and smart 3 yo now. It will help reduce stress and give you more rest which will also help your emotional wellbeing. I wish you the best of luck and know that it does improve. I promise.

[Deleted User]

((hugs)) I'm so sorry Mork. I wish I could fix everything for you. I can honestly say I know how you feel, especially after losing my mom this past month. I feel robbed, too.

I hope letting this out helped you feel better. I just wanted you to know I totally understand where you are coming from. 

More ((big hugs))

ellebelle2384

Many hugs Mork!  All these ladies already said everything, but we are here anytime.

anonomity

I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time.  I can't relate to everything you posted, but I did have breastfeeding supply issues in the beginning as well, but we were able to overcome them and I am still nursing at 13 months.  (Not saying that to brag, but trying to encourage you that it CAN be done!)  

Even at her age, you should still be able to increase your supply.  I haven't read all of the other replies, but these were things that helped me:  Have you tried fenugreek?  I was really hesitant to try it, but I finally did, and it really helped increase my supply.  (We're talking, an extra bottle or two per day that I pumped and had to freeze because E couldn't eat it all.)  You have to take more than the recommended dose to actually see the effects, my LC had me taking 3-4 capsules 3-4 times per day.  (Just make sure you eat consistent meals while taking fenugreek, because it can mess with your blood sugar and make you feel lightheaded and dizzy at those doses.)  I also found that just letting E suckle, even when she wasn't getting any milk, helped too.  Also, just letting her sleep on my chest also seemed to increase my supply -- she would sleep on me and I would wake up painful and full.   

Of course, the important thing is that 1) your baby eats and 2) you make sure you keep yourself happy and healthy.  Breastfeeding is great, but it isn't the end of the world if you have to switch to formula.  I was so upset when we had to supplement in the beginning, but then realized, as long as E was eating and growing, it didn't matter whether it was BM or formula.  And you have already given your LO the incredible gift of breastmilk for this long!   There is no shame in supplementing or switching to formula if it is what is best for you and your family.

Lastly, having a new baby (especially after losses) is TOUGH.  I don't think anyone fully prepares you for how difficult it can really be.  That said, if you find yourself crying and unable to enjoy your baby, you could be suffering post-partum depression.  Have you talked to your doctor about your feelings?  I ended up going to therapy for issues between DH and myself and learned in retrospect, I probably was also suffering from depression and didn't even know it.  It can be hard to recognize the signs when you are stuck so deep in the middle of it all.  

Anyway, just food for thought.  I hope things start getting better for you soon.  Hang in there, mama.  ((HUGE HUGS))

damabo80

Hugs to you.

A few things:
1. As you get more removed from the birth, meaning as LO ages, the pain of not being able to birth in the way you want lessens. With DD, I didn't even see her until the next day. I went from happily watching TV on hospital bed rest, waiting for my lunch to be delivered to knocked out, delivering a preemie via emergency c section within 90 minutes. I felt robbed and disappointed for awhile, but as she grew I spent more time focusing on the miracle that was her vs what I missed out on.
2. Dwindling supply is not a bf death sentence. Since DD couldn't eat orally for a long time, I EPed. Soon I was only able to pump 10oz, total over the course of 24 hours. But with the help of LCs I had two standing appts each week for the first three months and once a week until five months, we were able to get her to nurse with a nipple shield when she was three months old. When she was five months old, she learned how to EBF. Once she was EBF, my supply shot up to meet her needs. So in other words, if you want to keep working at it, and it is work....hard work, don't let the decreasing supply be the death of it. But, as everyone says, happy baby, happy momma. No shame in recognizing what your limit is, and acting accordingly.
3. 7w is wicked early to smile. DS, who was born at term, has very recently started smiling. He's three months.
It will come.

And in conclusion, it gets better. Yore in early baby hell right now. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Fun game: bookmark this post, and come back to it in six months, and 12 months. You'll want to pat yourself on the head and tell your old self "dude, it gets better".