Intro (long and rambling)

NancyBotwin

I'm not sure how to start this post.

My son, Zachary, was delivered December 2nd at 20 weeks due to a placental abruption. His heart was beating until the very end -- he was just too little to live. He was 8 3/4" and 9 oz. and was absolutely beautiful and perfect. We buried him last Wednesday. DD (almost 3) keeps asking for the baby. 

I am not sure how I am getting through each day. When does it stop being so raw? When will I stop crying throughout the day? When will the shards of my heart be (somewhat) put together again? When will sleeping and eating feel normal?

I have (unfortunately) been supported in the last week because two of my friends suffered late losses (one at 37 weeks and one at 24 weeks) - the second friend just emailed me this morning that she is pregnant. I appreciate that she emailed me and let me know so I could process on my own, but I feel so cheated. I want to be selfish and have her support but now I don't want to see her. I feel like a terrible person. 

Thanks for letting me ramble. Any advice on how to get through each day would be very appreciated. 

NancyBotwin

I've deleted my signatures from my profile - why are they still there???

lolee465

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet Zachary. To answer your questions, I'm not sure when it stops being so raw. I'm a little over 3 months out from when I lost my daughter, and I have some good moments..but it's still hard, and I still cry a lot. I think that's okay, and there's no timeline to follow. Someone told me grief comes in waves, and it's so true. I think I'll be okay and out of nowhere it hits me. Just be easy on yourself and take it one day at a time.

Don't feel bad for not being able to be there for your friend, I'm sure she understands. I've had to avoid a lot of people since my loss..I just can't handle seeing anyone who is pregnant or has a baby. We have to protect ourselves as much as we can at the begining. ((hugs))

About your signature- I've read on some other boards that it's taking a while for it to update after you try to change it.

jess123456

I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of Zachary.  While it saddens me that you find yourself here too, please know that you came to a wonderful place that is full of supportive and understanding ladies who really get it. Please know that you aren't alone.

Those first few days/weeks are absolutely unbearable and raw. Be gentle on yourself and try to eliminate the words should or shouldn't. There is no particular way to grieve as everyone grieves differently. You are absolutely not a horrible person for not wanting to be around your pregnant friend. Those kind of reminders are a stab in the heart and you have every right to protect yourself.  I didn't attend my niece's first birthday party and have missed several showers too.

That is comforting that you have others in your life who understand your pain. This is not an easy journey and still now over 3 months later since my daughter passed I have days that take me back to when we first lost her. Does it get easier?  I think that we will all be forever changed by our losses but I can tell you that three months later I am getting used to my new normal, a new normal without my daughter here physically just in my heart.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her. Coming to this site, speaking with a therapist and going to an in person support group has been tremendously helpful to my healing especially because I don't have anyone else in my life that can relate to this kind of loss other than my husband. 

Another thing that has been really helpful is writing letters to my daughter. My therapist suggested it and it has been amazing and therapeutic for me. 

Please know that we are always here for you.  Sending you lots of hugs.

fluttergirlmoonchild79

I'm happy to meet you, just wish it was under better circumstances.  The first few months are really difficult.  It does get "better" with time.  I promise.  As far as the shattered heart.  I don't think it ever really goes back together.  I always tell people that it will take the rest of my life to pick up the pieces in an attempt to put it back together.  Nothing will ever feel "normal" the way it used to.  Eventually, you will adjust to the "new" normal.  I had no idea what that meant when someone told me that when my son became an angel on December 3rd of last year.  I get it now.  You will go on doing the same things you always did before but it's just not the same and unfortunately never will be.  Don't feel bad about how you took the news of your friend.  Having been there, she likely understands and has been in that position herself.  I also think that after what we've all been through, we sort of have a right to be angry, hurt, jealous etc. of announcements like that. 

The best advise I can give you on getting through right now is to simply do whatever you feel you need to do.  I strongly suggest keeping as busy as possible.  I found that I had a rougher time when I was sitting around doing nothing.  Read a book, watch movies, take a walk, do a craft project, journal (this one was a huge help to me), play a game.  Anything.  I found myself doing things I wouldn't normally do just to keep my mind occupied.  And be careful watching TV - you will see a lot of babies (you'll notice them more now).  I tended to watch everything on DVR for the longest time and also kept the remote close by so I could quickly change the channel if I needed to. 

I hope you find some peace.  We're all here for you if you need anything.

{{HUGS}}

jbranden12

*ticker warning and rainbow mentioned*

 

 

 

I am so very sorry for the loss of your Zachary. We lost our first daughter Patricia at 31 weeks at the end of March. I am sorry to say there are no definite answers to your questions. The first weeks were like a nightmare. I am not sure how we got through because I honestly cannot remember anything solid from April-May of this year. We took it hour by hour, day by day and somehow time passed. I was constantly amazed at this, because I was sure the world would stop after such a tragedy occurred for our family.

Many of us will say that you will never be your old self again. We are forever changed by the lives of our children, even if those lives are short. How you will change will differ. It has been 8.5 months since my daughter died and I have come to a place where I can usually talk about her without breaking down. I miss her so much, but I can be thankful to her for bringing such incredible joy and love into our lives.

Also, you are not a terrible person for wanting to be selfish right now. I remember thinking that everyone should just have to be really nice to me and everything should just be easy. I should just get everything I want from those who can give it to me. I didn't go around screaming that my baby just died, but I wanted to. Some days I would go on this board and see other late loss moms who were pregnant again post and I couldn't handle it. Some days, seeing the same women post would give me comfort and hope. Seeing them in person might have been a different story.

Post as often or as little as you need, we are here for you when you need us. I am so sorry you have to join us but I hope we can offer some comfort and support. 

meli1025

I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your son, Zachary.  I wish I did not have to welcome you here but you have come to a great place for support.  The ladies on this board have been a tremendous help to me since my loss.

To try and answer some of your questions....as for when it stops being so raw?  give yourself time to grieve and do whatever you need to do.  Cry, scream into a pillow...let yourself mourn.  The "rawness" comes in waves.  For me, I actually just had my first day of no crying yesterday.  That was the first time since 10/2 that I went an entire day without crying.  But there have been days where I've felt a little better than others, and then out of nowhere the loss hits me in the face and I go down sobbing.  You will always have a piece of your heart missing, in time you will learn how to live with it.  (at least that's what people tell me).  I'm still learning myself.  As for eating and sleeping....for me I started sleeping better without medication and eating better about a week after I returned to work, which really wasn't that long ago. 

You are not being selfish at all by not wanting to see your pregnant friend, so please don't be so hard on yourself.  One of my best friends is due the day before I was, she totally understands that I can't see her and probably won't meet her baby for a very long time.  Your friend will understand too.

I also have a toddler, and I remember people telling me, "well you have James, just look at him and remember how blessed you are to have him".  That never made me feel better because I also feel like I let him down.  He lost his little sister.  I am not sure how to handle the questions that your DD has, so I would definitely ask a social worker or therapist what the best way to approach that is.  There are also a lot of books that can offer sound advice. 

 Therapy has helped me a lot in the past several weeks.  I definitely recommend talking to someone.  Just know that everything you are feeling is normal and warranted.  Be easy on yourself.  ((BIG HUGS)) to you. 

Carolee

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little Zachary. I don't really remember when that point was for me when things stopped feeling so raw. I think what it really ended up being was that the pain and hurt was still there but I got to a point where that became my new normal and I found a way to go on through the hurt. I'm sorry you have to join us here, but I hope you'll find support on this board.

NancyBotwin

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words. They mean so much.

OSUWifey09

I'm so sorry to welcome you here, but you're among a great group of women who will be here as your shoulder to lean on, cry on and vent to. I lost my son at 34 weeks due to a placental abruption back in August, and it still hurts. The grief is not as difficult to handle as it was at the very beginning, but my heart still aches for my little boy. No one ever expects to go through something like this, which makes it even harder to handle.

Be gentle with yourself. Take time to cry, scream, grieve. Losing a child is one of the most difficult things anyone could ever go through, and we all unfortunately know what it's like to be where you are. And you're not being selfish and are not a terrible person for not wanting to see your friend. My best friend is being induced this week [he will be her first], and I totally shut out the notion that she's having a baby up until last week. I haven't seen her since my son's memorial and am not even sure I can handle seeing her after the baby comes [which she totally understands]. Right now, it's all about you and your healing, not about anyone else.

If you ever need to chat, feel free to PM me. Lots of hugs.

tracint

I'm so sorry for your loss. We lost our baby girl at 21 weeks due to placental abruption on June 25th. It's been a little over 5 months and to be honest there are still days that feel just as terrible as day 1. Please remember to be gentle with yourself and take it one day at a time... I wish there was there was more I could say to help but in reality all the words in the world cant ease our pain. If you ever need anything please feel free to pm me. Lots of hugs!!

starburst0928

I'm so sorry for your loss of Zachary. It sucks for you to be here, but at least you now have all of us for support. 

Somehow, despite all odds, it does get easier. I don't cry every day anymore, but there are some days where I still have to hold it back all day long.  

I would recommend talking to the friend than you can talk to about your loss. It's helped me so much to talk about my son, and to other people who get what I'm going through. 

I had to take sleeping pills in the beginning to help me sleep, and I hardly ate a thing. I'm now off the sleeping pills, and finally got my appetite back. It just takes time, and for me it was about 2 months.