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Parenting
My son gets blamed whenever his cousin cries.
I have a 7yo son and he has a 5yo male cousin (my husband's sister's son) who he plays with whenever we have family get-togethers. Anyways, my nephew cries all the time whenever my son accidentally hurts him. I will admit that they do fight purposely at times. But other than those times, things accidentally happens and boys will be boys and they will rough-house. But my nephew is very soft. His parents raised him not much of how a boy should be raised. He's sort of confused at what belongs to girls and what belongs to boys. When he cries, they comfort and baby him, instead of telling him that he shouldn't cry and to speak instead of cry. I mean I understand when a kid cries, you should give some sort of comfort. But this comes to the point where when he and my son is playing and my nephew will burst out crying as if my son punched him when in reality it was just as much as an accidental soft hit to the face. My son gets yelled at by my nephew's dad. Which upsets me because for one, it really was an accident, and for two, his son is always crying for little things like that, and it's always my son getting in trouble for it for no serious reason. Like I said, there are times where it is my son's fault and vice versa. And I will scold both individuals involved. I take no favorites. I DO scold my son especially if it's his fault. But for some reason, in my nephew's dad's eyes, it's ALWAYS my son's fault for making his son cry. I bite my tongue to keep the peace, but I say/think to myself "C'mon it was an accident, it wasn't his fault, they're just kids, and they're both boys. You're son is just too sensitive." My nephew's dad is really soft with him. When my nephew spends the night at my place and he cries, I scold both of them, even if it was an accident. I'll scold my son to "be more careful next time!" and I'll scold my nephew "You don't have to cry. If he hurt you or something happened, let me know and I'll take care of it." And this doesn't only happen with my son, but with all the other cousins in the family. I spoke out to my husband and told him that it's not always our son's fault when our nephew cries. Whenever our nephew cries it's surely not the cry baby who's going to get the scolding. It's always my son getting scolded, even when it was just an accident. My son is not a cry baby. But let me include that my son was just like his cousin, a cry baby, until I changed him to "toughen up". I did not want my son to be the kid in the playground being picked on because he was a crier.
My question is, should I approach my nephews parents on this matter, that it's not always my sons fault that their son cries? And how? What would you suggest to them to change how they comfort their son?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: My son gets blamed whenever his cousin cries.
You may not want to take my advice, however. I bought my son a play kitchen and a baby doll. We don't agree that there are things for boys and things for girls. My husband even cooks and changes diapers.
Two Points,
1) Your son should not be touching his cousin's face "accidentially" or not.
So while you think your inlaws need to man up with their son, YOU need to man up and teach YOUR child how to play appropriately. By the age of 7, he should have this basic concept (control of one's hands/arms/feet/legs) down. Especially when your 7 yo has 4 inches and 8 pounds on his 2 year yonger cousin, basing this off of the CDC charts, (so a soft hit is not really a soft hit).
And while your nephew may immediately CRY and maybe it is for attention, does your son or the other cousings IMMEDIATELY apologize when they hit him? Even if it is an accident, apologizing for one's mistakes is actually the societal norm (since you are so big on teaching your child to follow the societal rules).
2) And while the studies have shown that boys and girls will gravitate towards "gender" type toys, even if there is no outside (read parental/familial or societal) influences, that is not an indicator that there is something inheriantly WRONG with a boy playing with girl toys.
All that means, is that your nephew has a better imagination (a study by Becky Francis, professor of education at Roehampton University showed that typical girl toys, such as dolls or playhouses prompt both imaginative AND girly play while typical boy toys promote more building and action play) than his rough and tumble cousin.
My solution is to not allow the kids to play together anymore. Or at the very least, monitor their play 100% of the time so they wont get to the point where someone gets accitdentally hit in the face.
I wasn't sure, but since I know idiots who believe all these things in real life, I responded.
Unfortunately, there are many, many people where I live who would write a post like this one and mean every single word. I know, for a fact, that if my DH and I had a boy, I'd have to beat the "toughen him up" concept out of DH's head before the kid was old enough to be "toughened up." It's just the cultural way my husband and many, many of our friends and neighbors were raised. Not that it makes it right, KWIM?
Wait for me .
And how did you go about "changing" him? Did you just soft hit until he cried and then tell him to man up over and over again?
I agree.
And if it is real, I have nothing productive to say, so...
If your nephew is one of the kids I saw on vacation this year, I'll take your side. Those kids were some of the biggest cry babies I'd ever seen.
I agree with PP who said if you confront your ILs you need to expect to hear things back. I'd work with your own son on playing more appropriately so that he doesn't "accidentally" hit or touch his cousin.
In the off chance that this is real I will say this.
1) The only thing that would make me angry would be someone else yelling at my kid. But since you seem to have no issue with doing the same to your nephew (yelling, telling him to stop being a baby etc...) That is obviously not an issue for you.
2) You need to stop letting your son play with his cousin if he can't learn to play appropriatly (i.e. stop being rough)
3) As pp said if you approach his parents about him being a "cry baby" then be prepared to hear them tell you how they feel about your son.
4) While they may be setting your nephew up to be "soft" or "a cry baby" YOU are teaching your son that it's ok to be rough and if he "accidently" hurts someone that they need to just toughen up because they are being a cry baby. Which sounds like the makings of a playground bully to me.
That being said...I think this is MUD
That being said, stick to disciplining your own kid. Try a boardgame instead of letting them play fight.
I.
I just.
I.
My son has something to say about this:
"Soft" is not something you would get away with calling him, unless you enjoy a verbal lashing beyond measure. If you came to me and told me to parent him differently, you'd thank your lucky stars that *I* am generally a pacifist.
My Blog
You can absolutely approach your nephew's parents and tell them they need to toughen up their kid like you did. However, as an outsider looking in I'd rather be the parent of your nephew than your kid. You look like you're doing a worse job parenting then they are so if you want to criticize their parenting be prepared they will inform you of your shortcomings (which there seems to be a lot). Just sayin'.
Just another thing--you say that in your nephew's dad's eyes it's always your kid's fault. If he's playing aggressively with him and your nephew gets hurt, it IS your son's fault, especially since he is the older child and is plenty old enough to know how to play with a childer smaller/younger than he. My kid at not even three years old can roughhouse without managing to "accidentally" hit me in the face. At seven I'm sure he has a little more control of his body than a kid four years younger than he.
Your child, barring any developmental disabilities, is old enough to know to keep his hands to himself. Beating repeatedly on a kid two years younger than him does not make him "tough". That is basically the definition of a bully.
I was the oldest on one side and whenever my cousin and I would rough house, she would cry and I would get the blame. Why? Because I was 2 1/2 years old and much bigger than her.
My parent's solution? No rough housing. If I started it, they would end it. If she started it, my aunt and uncle ended it. End of story.
I hope this is MUD, seriously. Is there not another activity that they can do? WTF does having a family gathering mean that the boy's scheduled activity has to just be rough housing? Are you training a bully? Seriously, why do you think it's okay for your ds who is 2 years older to manhandle a younger child? From the perspective that boys will be boys and rough house, this isn't even a fair and equal fight. FFS, find something else for them to do. And ditto what the pps have outline. I don't even want to touch your gender bias. You will lose, to me or pps. Get a life.
::follows pps out of the thread, shaking head and pulling hair::
And I'm not a horrible parent. What have I done wrong to be horrible?! Teach my son how to be a boy?
My son is not a huge rough-houser. Like for example, they're playing with nerf guns and the foam bullet would touch his cousins face and he would cry out loud. My son gets blamed. I agree that there's nothing wrong with playing with a kitchen, that's a unisex toy to me. But will you laugh and tell your son you agree when your 5 year old son says that he can't wait to get pregnant?! Or would you laugh when your son says he doesn't have balls, and a girl part instead? My inlaws do that, they're confusing the poor boy. I've always told my son to stop playing with him, stop asking to spend the night. But their son comes to my son to play. So how do I stop that? My son knows already, I've told him many times to stop playing with him. But what do you do when their son comes to play?
Can someone tell me what I'm doing wrong instead of posting things like this?!
Honestly, at that point I wouldn't join a situation where they will be in the same area. At least until they are older. I know it seems extreme, but if you are that frustrated then that might be the only solution for now. If this is not MUD, then the two of them getting together doesn't benefit anyone.
I stopped babying him whenever he cried for any little thing. No was no. I stopped baby talking to him whenever he got hurt or fell down and told him that "you're okay" and "you're a strong boy, get up" and he later stopped crying. I didn't 'beat' my son up if that's what you're imposing! I stopped babying him and started 'talking' to him and 'explaining' to him that he don't need to cry!
Maybe your nephew is a little more sensitive to geing hurt than other children. Some kids can brush things off easier and some don't. Your son is old enough to understand that he must play gentler with him.
Teach my son how to be a boy?
And WTF is thisshit?
You aren't hearing any of us. The type of play your ds is engaging your nephew in is not appropriate play. Play fighting and rough housing, especially in this situation, is not something I'd encourage or allow. Can they not play with toys? You have a learning opportunity here for your son, and you don't see it.
The play you say he engages in with peers is fine, keep in mind your nephew is not a peer, at this age 2 year gaps are huge for physical and emotional development. And I doubt he's a "crybaby" since both incidents you describe he's been knocked or hit. IDC how hard he was hit, a hit is a hit. What should have happened is the nephew should have been looked at by an adult (which your bil did) and comforted, your ds should have apologized, and both boys should have be redirected and once they were calmed, found a quieter activity.
Not allowing your son to play with your nephew is sending a negative message to both boys. Teach your son to learn how to handle a situation like this appropriately. If you need actual guidance, ask your bil, he seems to understand why the situation was handled badly.
Oh, gird your loins, the only support you'll get around here with an attitude like that is from your big girl panties. Remember, we don't know wtf you are.
He is not a bully! He does fine with the other kids and cousins! But when he plays with my husband's son, and something happens, he gets blamed! He does absolutely fine with the other kids! My nephew doesn't do well with the other kids! Didn't I just say that my son is not the only one who gets blamed in my first post? The other kids get blamed too whenever he plays with them!
FFS, your nephew's behavior is normal. He's not confused about anything. Even if he identifies as female, who cares?
They do play with toys. I just posted above that they love playing with nerf guns at times. They're shooting eachother, then my son will shoot back the foam bullets and it would hit my nephews face and he would burst out crying.
Oh I don't have any big girl panties on! People are replying with "walks out" and post rude things instead of telling me what I'm doing wrong, they're being rude! How can I fix something if I can't get a second opinion and people just shoot me down!?
Okay my nephew does the same, shoots at my sons face. But my son doesn't cry about it. So what do I do now?
Quit being such a cry baby and toughen up?
I was questioning you posters. You all keep replying with things like "*walks out*" and things that aren't very supportive. Instead of someone just telling me straight out what I'm doing wrong, you all shoot me down and leave no reason why. Can't you see I'm here for help and advice! What should I do!?
1. It sounds like you have *very* different parenting styles. You need to teach your son not to play rough games with his cousin since his cousin clearly doesn't enjoy them. And why is the cousin getting hit in the face with a nerf gun? If I found out my kid pointed a toy gun at a person the gun would be in the garbage before the kid knew what happened.
2. Often gender identity questions come up by age 5. A friend of mine who just underwent sex change surgery said she knew from age 5 or 6 that she was a she, not a he. It may be that your nephew does have questions and his parents are being open-minded and following his lead, as they should be.
3. I'm pregnant with a boy and have no plans to treat him any differently than I have treated my daughters. I do tend to do the "you're fine" in a light voice when they get hurt to see if they're really hurt or not (usually they jump up and are fine). I don't plan to "teach him how to be a boy/man" but to encourage him to be the happiest person he can be.
But people have been giving you addvice as well as pointing out certian flaws in the way YOU yourself are reacting.
1) Shooting a nerf gun at the face of ANYONE is not appropriate period.
2) wanting your nephew that is two years younger than your son to "man up" and "stop being a cry baby" is not helping. And trust me even if you don't say this in front of your son I promise you he knows how you feel about his cousin.
3) If a boy plays with girl toys it does not mean he will want to be a boy.
4) is your son a bully? not yet. But if you continue to teach hiim the whole "boys will be boys so if someone gets hurt during roough play they need to suck it up or else they are a cry baby" then yes...he will become one.