Lucky Dad

cgr8979

"My feeling is if you have a house and a child together, what's the downside of making it official? I view both a home and a child as far, far greater commitments than getting married."

I just wanted to note that this is a crazy thought process. I mean, have you seen the divorce rate? You can have shared custody and you can sell a house...going thru a divorce is MUCH more difficult. Like I said, we aren't young and careless, we want to get married once and b/c we did things in reverse doesn't mean that we should get married b/c we had a kid. We don't own a house (I don't know where you saw me say that) we do have a child together. We've discuessed marriage and it isn't like it's out of the question. IMHO, marriage is the ultimate commitment.

ETA:
Here is the link to the original topic.

https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/70432084.aspx

cgr8979

HilarityEnsued:

cgr8979:

"My feeling is if you have a house and a child together, what's the downside of making it official? I view both a home and a child as far, far greater commitments than getting married."

I just wanted to note that this is a crazy thought process. I mean, have you seen the divorce rate? You can have shared custody and you can sell a house...going thru a divorce is MUCH more difficult. Like I said, we aren't young and careless, we want to get married once and b/c we did things in reverse doesn't mean that we should get married b/c we had a kid. We don't own a house (I don't know where you saw me say that) we do have a child together. We've discuessed marriage and it isn't like it's out of the question. IMHO, marriage is the ultimate commitment.

Meh... It's easier to get out of a marriage than a mortgage.  To quote my DH verbatim when we co-signed the mortgage to our house prior to being married.

Having kids together is way way way way more of a commitment than being married.

I somewhat agree...we didn't get pregnant on purpose. I will hang my head in shame and admit that I was not being responsible when we got pregnant. We weren't even dating. So, we didn't "agree" in a formal way of thinking, to get pregnant. Yes, when 2 adults have unprotected sex, you do "agree" that it could happen. But, it wasn't in the hopes of making a baby.

Now, we do love each other very much and we do live together...just haven't made that marriage commitment, just yet.

cgr8979

HilarityEnsued:

Honestly the more I re-read your post, the more I really cannot understand how your logic is working. 

Going through a divorce is hard emotionally, but there are freaking quickie divorce shops where you can stop in and get divorced for less than $250.  The emotional aspect of it is what is draining, but practically and legally speaking, divorce is quite simple.

Shared custody is an on-going and ever changing situation that requires you to make sacrifices, and concessions, and behave like an adult all the time, no matter what, so that you are acting in the best interests of your child or children.

When we got our mortgage, I basically signed my life away and had to have full open transparency on every single financial matter basically... ever in my adult life.  DH and I are equally bound to pay the money we owe on that mortgage.  If we don't, sh!t hits the fan.  It's not like we get sad or upset... we lose our place to live.

I'm not trying to be majorly snarky, but your stance is very immature.

I don't think you're getting what I'm saying and what I orginally posted for him to come back with that response!

Let me fill you in on the time line of events. I'm 33 and my SO is 32.

-Got drunk and had sex with a guy I was dating for less than 2 weeks and got KU. (Yes, this was stupid and we knew better)

-Had the baby

-Moved in together in an apt. Not a house = no mortgage.

Now, do you undestand. We didn't have a kid on purpose, therefore making it impossible to "agree to have a child together." Yes, I could have had an abortion or given the baby up for adoption, so in a sense we agreeed to have this baby. But it wasn't until afterwards that we did that.

cgr8979

If we had been married and owned a house together, then yes, I agree that having a baby is a huge commitment, but that wasn't the order of events.

CinemaGoddess

In order of level of committment, from greatest to least:

Having kids

Purchasing a house

Getting married

 

There is no way marriage is a bigger committment than having kids. 

cgr8979

HilarityEnsued:

cgr8979:

If we had been married and owned a house together, then yes, I agree that having a baby is a huge commitment, but that wasn't the order of events.

Seriously you do not see the error in this reasoning?

Who gives a flying fluck how you entered into the situation... the end result is that you have a kid who you have to raise and co-parent with her father.  The manner in which you found yourself in this situation does not remotely change the magnitude of what it is to have a kid.

You have totally turned this into an arguement about marriage vs baby, which is a bigger commitment. That isn't what this is about AT ALL!!

LD's comment that struck a cord with me was this:

"what's the downside of making it official"

My response to that is...why do we have to make it official. We don't have to get married in order to make things official. Marriage is a big commitment (so is having a baby) but we aren't going to get married just b/c we had a baby. Does that make sense to you now? I'm not trying to be snarky, just trying to get you to understand why this started out as a debate.

[Deleted User]

Marriage is for sure the biggest commitment.  I mean, it's paper.  You can't rip or burn it.  Oh, wait. 

mejane123

I agree with LD in this sentiment. It seems like you're more trying to 'stick it to the man' and avoid conforming than actually giving a valid reason for not getting married. Don't get me wrong, if you don't want to get married, don't get married. It's no one's business but yours and your SO's. But don't speak as though there aren't benefits of the legal sort to making it official. My father and his girlfriend have been together over 20 years now and are finally talking about 'making it official' just to simplify things legally.
And, as PPs said, regardless of what the order of events was, having a child is a lifelong commitment. While the traditional wedding vows say til death do us part, the divorce rate shows that that one is easy enough to get around. Once you pop that baby out, there's no divorcing the baby and no cutting the father out, unless you or he decides to sign away parental rights, which can have MUCH bigger implications.

cgr8979

mejane123:

I agree with LD in this sentiment. It seems like you're more trying to 'stick it to the man' and avoid conforming than actually giving a valid reason for not getting married. Don't get me wrong, if you don't want to get married, don't get married. It's no one's business but yours and your SO's. But don't speak as though there aren't benefits of the legal sort to making it official. My father and his girlfriend have been together over 20 years now and are finally talking about 'making it official' just to simplify things legally. And, as PPs said, regardless of what the order of events was, having a child is a lifelong commitment. While the traditional wedding vows say til death do us part, the divorce rate shows that that one is easy enough to get around. Once you pop that baby out, there's no divorcing the baby and no cutting the father out, unless you or he decides to sign away parental rights, which can have MUCH bigger implications.

You must have skimmed over where I said that we are talking about marriage now and will eventually get married. We just didn't want to do it b/c everyone else has the mentality of "get married you had a baby."  When we get married it will be b/c we love each other and not b/c we had a baby.

LuckyDad

cgr8979:

You must have skimmed over where I said that we are talking about marriage now and will eventually get married. We just didn't want to do it b/c everyone else has the mentality of "get married you had a baby."  When we get married it will be b/c we love each other and not b/c we had a baby.

Oh hai, I'm back from lunch.

As long as you guys are both happy with your marital status, I don't really care what you do. I realize some people have very different approaches and opinions about marriage and weddings than I do, and everyone has to decide what is best for them.

I mostly interact with men, so I have heard a lot of badmouthing of marriage in general. It's truly weird to me that there are people who have been with their partner for five or seven years and have kids or property and generally get along and yet don't want to "tie themselves down". Like, it's really just silly to me when people are effectively married yet don't want to make that leap into just doing it.

Seriously, I don't really judge you or people in your situation. I've been alive long enough to know everyone has to walk their own path in life and you can never really understand someone else's situation fully. I've just heard waaaay too many silly excuses from other guys why they won't just marry their baby-mama even when they plan to stay with her for the long haul.

LuckyDad

sofamonkey:

Marriage is for sure the biggest commitment.  I mean, it's paper.  You can't rip or burn it.  Oh, wait. 

Hey, these days it's on the internet. It's like naked pictures. Once it's out there, it's very hard to undo.

RockyTopVols

cgr8979:

mejane123:

I agree with LD in this sentiment. It seems like you're more trying to 'stick it to the man' and avoid conforming than actually giving a valid reason for not getting married. Don't get me wrong, if you don't want to get married, don't get married. It's no one's business but yours and your SO's. But don't speak as though there aren't benefits of the legal sort to making it official. My father and his girlfriend have been together over 20 years now and are finally talking about 'making it official' just to simplify things legally. And, as PPs said, regardless of what the order of events was, having a child is a lifelong commitment. While the traditional wedding vows say til death do us part, the divorce rate shows that that one is easy enough to get around. Once you pop that baby out, there's no divorcing the baby and no cutting the father out, unless you or he decides to sign away parental rights, which can have MUCH bigger implications.

You must have skimmed over where I said that we are talking about marriage now and will eventually get married. We just didn't want to do it b/c everyone else has the mentality of "get married you had a baby."  When we get married it will be b/c we love each other and not b/c we had a baby.

Nobody cares if you get married or not. You two are bound by a larger commitment than marriage anyway now for the rest of your lives.

Really. No one cares if you got married first, had kids first, etc. You have a kid. That commitment trumps "im not marrying till we are inlove!!!! have u seen divorce rates?!?!?"

Glad you guys are in love enough now to make a commitment.

Oh wait.

Edit: I think she called LD out because he has a penis. Hater.

LuckyDad

RockyTopVols:

Edit: I think she called LD out because he has a penis. Hater.

Hey now. She called me out cuz I'm an opinionated buttmonkey. Let's not bring our penises into this discussion.

RockyTopVols

I only wants to bring yours in.

LuckyDad

twatley:

I get what the OP is saying. I agree that getting pregnant isn't a reason I ever would have wanted to marry someone. I would have always wanted the person to propose to me out of love for me, and not obligation. I totally get you OP.

And I hope it's clear that I don't necessarily think "you're pregnant, so now you have to get married!"

I just find it funny and confusing when people who essentially are married in all but having the actual papers seem inclined to drag their feet on actually marching to the altar/courthouse. I do think having a kid is *A* factor in favor of getting married. But clearly, clearly, clearly not everyone who has a kid together should be married to each other.

RockyTopVols

cruelsound:

My opinion on the matter means nothing, seeing as how we just got married a couple of months ago.

Your opinion matters to me.