PgAL or PAL please *ticker warning*

lrichmond86

I would have posted this on PgAL but, as I've mentioned before, I just feel more comfortable here, particularly when posting about baby Gary. 

Our first angelversary is coming up on Dec. 14.  I knew this month would be hard, especially because it's Christmas time and the onslaught of Christmas spirit only reminds me of our angel (today I heard Silent Night on the radio and burst into tears).  When we found out we were pregnant again I thought that it would be a distraction from the pain of this milestone.  On the contrary, I feel like it's only intensified the feelings of loss.  I don't know if it's my hormones or the emotional reaction of having this new baby growing in me and comparing that to my pregnancy with baby Gary, but I feel weepy all the time and have zero patience at school.  DH decided now would be a good time to quit smoking again (which I am in TOTAL support of) but it also means that he's in no frame of mind to listen to my boo-hooing.  I feel like everyone thinks I should be happy because we're pregnant again, that that should let me forget about this horrible day that's looming just next week.  And I am happy for this new baby.  But I'm also so sad that we don't have his/her big brother here with us at home.  

And on a side note... if one more person waves their hand at me and says "you'll be FINE!" I might punch them!  

 Sorry, ladies.  I just needed to vent to someone who I knew would understand.  Thanks.  

jlcrhw

((Hugs)) I know how you are feeling. If one more persons tells me "I have a good feeling about this one" I may end up in jail. Milestones are hard and then to add holidays to that is really hard. Being happy for this pregnancy does not take back your loss. So many people don't understand that even though we are pregnant doesn't mean we didn't lose a child and after a loss pregnancy is a rollcoaster of emotions;fear, nervousness, sadness, guilt and happness. I have not told a lot of people that I am pregnant because even though I am happy for this baby I don't know that I can be outwardly happy. Please don't let others make you feel like you don't have the right emotions. It is okay to feel sad and miss your sweet Gary. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. ((big hugs))

meli1025

I am not PgAL but I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you praying for you as you anticipate your first angelversary. If you feel weepy, have a good cry as much as you need to.  You are entitled to all of these feelings and it's unfortunate that those who are not in your shoes can't understand.  Oh, and Silent Night...I can't listen to it either!!  ((hugs)).

fluttergirlmoonchild79

I'm not PGal but wanted to wish you peace on the upcoming angelversary.  Do whatever you have to do that day to get you through the day.  Even without being PGal I know how you feel about the whole nervousness and the lack of patience with people's stupid comments.  We're currently TTCAL and when people find out I've heard anything from "glad to hear you're moving on" to "oh, you'll have another child soon and everything will be fine."  Even though I'm only TTCAL I totally understand what a mindfluck the entire thing is.  I don't see how it can't be.  I've told a few people that and they ask me "why?"  I then explain to them that I now know someone who has lost a child in every week of a pregnancy and it scares the hell out of me. 

Silent Night is the worst Christmas song ever - especially in that damn Pampers commercial!

jbranden12

((hugs)). PgAL is hard, especially around the holidays. I keep seeing cute little Christmas outfits for baby girls and it is hard being split between thinking "new baby girl will look so cute in this next year" and "Patricia should be wearing this now" and eventually "I hope this one doesn't die too."

Petunia844

I know that it seems to people like our milestones should be easier when we are pregnant or when we have our rainbows, and in some ways they are...but I will be honest, even when your beautiful rainbow is safe in your arms there will be a new kind of sadness.  There is an amazing new positive energy in your life though with that little one, and although it will never take away your loss, you will sort of learn a new new normal, if that makes sense.  I know that the whole time I was pregnant and people expected things to be easier because of it, or asked if I was excited I had to try really hard to not just burst into tears and tell them "don't you understand?? I'm terrified! There's no reason to think this one will be ok!"  So what you are feeling is totally normal.  It does get easier though, at least for me... once Raylan was born there was a big dark fear that I'd been carrying around his whole pregnancy and that's gone.  Of course I still obsess over everything and I still check if he's breathing when he's sleeping soundly... but the fear that literally overtook my life is gone.  Anyways... long story short, I totally understand and I will be thinking of you.  Just do what you have to do and f*** the people who don't understand why it's still hard for you.