Life book and dealing with poverty

jillianmb

I shared the life book I wrote for our son- leaving out personal details about his birth mom and some more about his history of course- on my blog and one commenter shared that he/she was adopted and hearing that his/her birth mom could not parent b/c of poverty made him steal as a way of "acting out" the good parent who was able to provide food.  I don't totally understand the connection but I get that a child can struggle with knowing they were placed for adoption b/c of poverty.

DH and I are not over-protective. We are also big on telling the truth- of course telling it with gentleness but still not hiding the facts. We both think what I wrote is fine but I want another perspective in case we are blind to something.

This is what I wrote about the poverty: "My birth mom loved me very much! She wanted to be able to take care of me, but sadly she was very poor and she could not afford to buy me clothes or food or toys. She wanted me to have these things and to be taken care of, so she asked the people at the hospital to take care of me and she signed some papers to say that she would like for me to have a family someday." 

I chose to explain poverty in terms of clothes, food, and toys after seeing it recommended that way in my research about life books. Is there a better way to word that part? What do you think?

maryoosa

One thing our agency told us to say about poverty is that  "my birth mom couldn't care for any children when I was born" (that way, the child doesn't interpret it as, well, if it had been another baby I wouldn't have been placed for adoption.)

fledgegrl1

I saw that too. Like PP, I think a lot was left unsaid. FWIW, I did read a caution (wish I could remember where) about explaining the reason as "not being able to afford". Their rationale: if at some point the child hears you say "we can't afford" something or "we don't have the money for that", they may fear being placed for adoption again and losing their family. I can see the point, but I think there are conversations that can help avoid this. And given what I've read here and on your blog, you/DH would clearly be very thoughtful about such things. I would say trust your instinct. GL!

KatieRose09

maryoosa:

One thing our agency told us to say about poverty is that  "my birth mom couldn't care for any children when I was born" (that way, the child doesn't interpret it as, well, if it had been another baby I wouldn't have been placed for adoption.)

 I am certainly no expert, but I have lots of experience working with children.  This seems to make sense to me. 

 I read that post on your blog too and I didn't quite make the connection or understand what he/she was saying.  Try not to over analyze it too much because you really don't know that person's story or situation. 

lizlemon2

I think the life book you made was great.  I hope to make one like that soon.

Maybe with the PP suggestions, you could edit it to say she was unable to care for any children.

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jillianmb

Thanks ladies that is very helpful.  I like the idea about putting that she was not able to care for any children; I will add it!

elissaann26

I thought how you worded it was wonderful.  I actually really loved how your framed it, especially with toys since that is something easy for kids to identify with.  But I also like the idea about her not being able to take care of any children.

CaptainSerious

If there is one thing that I've learned since we started parenting M, it's that you never know how things are going to turn out.  Things I never expected are happening to us, and things adoptive parents did that I always thought were over the top or focusing too much on the adoption part of their lives, I now completely understand.  With that said, I hesitate to dismiss anyone's perspective now, as I'm learning that pieces of what they are saying may one day reflect part of my reality even if they seem reactionary or outright absurd now.

The poster may very well have felt that stealing was a way of acting out because he was angry that it was only money that separated him from his birth family.  In his young mind, that could have been interpreted to mean that they took advantage of his birth family because they were wealthy and somehow, stealing things proved he didn't need their money and was a show of loyalty to his biological family.  I don't know if this is true, but what I'm trying to say is that we can never really understand how difficult news will be received and what a child might make of it unless we are there to talk with them daily and help them form their own conclusions, with appropriate guidance to help them understand all the complexities surrounding their adoptions and that love really can be shown in so many different ways.

When M first came to us, he really believed that love was shown by buying things.  In some ways, he still does.  For example, he gets more comfort out of physical gifts as rewards than any other wonderful and over-the-top experience we might come up with to celebrate his successes, and if there is no reward given at all (for baseline appropriate behavior we expect), he has a hard time understanding why.  It has taken us a long time to help him understand that we love him unconditionally, and that love is not buying him things, but always caring for him, putting his needs first, and supporting him above all.

I believe that the reason M is so attached to things is because he knows what it's like to live in complete poverty.  He lived on the street with his first mother, and begged for coins to buy food and water.  He has known true hunger and thirst, and the comfort we live in is pure opulence to him, and he wants to never return to that life.

Still, it's important to continue open and constant dialogue.  Otherwise, we would never have known that he also feels guilty because he's living this life while his mother is still living the other.  He fully understands why he can't live with her, but doesn't understand why we can't bring her here to take care of her.  That's compounded by the fact that he feels that he often had to take care of her when she would get drunk and he was with her.  Now, he fears that she's all alone with no one to watch over her.

I'm putting all this out there because I think what you wrote is okay, but I want you to know that I believe the commenter had a point.  I believe it's important to be open and honest with the facts of our children's past and the reasons for their adoptions, but knowing that poverty is the reason you are separated from your biological family can breed all sorts of discontent and anger.  I know that as an adult I am angry about the state of the world and the economic disparity throughout.  I cannot imagine how difficult it is for a child to grasp this terrible wrong, in a way so much more fully than I, as a person who's always lived in relative comfort, ever could, and not be confused, angry, and upset that no one's doing anything to change it.  Just like M can't understand why we don't just bring his first mother here and take care of her, I can imagine a child wondering why we don't just buy/give the people in Russia what they need.

M has a hard time seeing anyone homeless, he needs to always make sure everyone around us has eaten, and seeing any form of poverty upsets him for days.  I know he's a different boy and has experienced poverty more acutely than your son, but you may want to be prepared for your son to be very aware of poverty and social injustices.  I think it's important for Arie to know the truth, but that won't necessarily mean that he won't ever have questions or bad feelings about his separation from his biological family or his adoption.

So the short answer (which I probably should have just posted and been done), is yes, what you wrote is fine, but yes, it may very well lead to a host of feelings, thoughts, and actions that you never imagined.  The good thing is that I know you will always have an open discourse with Arie so he should hopefully always feel able to talk these issues out with you rather than breed negative and harmful imaginings in the solace of his own mind.

We make conversations about personal/home economics part of our daily life.  We explain that we have to work because we get paid to do so, and that money is used to pay for things we need, like food, electricity, heat, water (a big one for M who grew up in the desert), and toys/video games/fun stuff (we found that this really is the tipping point that makes it okay that we are out of the house and can't stay home with them).  We explain that we don't buy everything we want because we have to save our money to not only pay for the things we need, for when one day we no longer have jobs and when we still need to buy things.  We give M a generous allowance, but make him save up a certain amount to put in the bank for emergencies later in life just like we do (so he builds a sense of security and doesn't feel like he will ever be destitute again) before he can spend on a new toy and work with him on saving for bigger items rather than spending it all the time on small, junky toys.  We have these conversations daily, in part because we believe the consistency helps, but also because M needs the constant repetition, and he is starting to gain more of an understanding, little by little, of how financial security can be built.

We also talk about parts of the world where it is harder to earn a living and there are fewer jobs.  When we went to Nicaragua and he had trouble with the poverty there (Had we known just how bad it was there, we never would have taken him.  It was a very difficult trip, for him whenever we were in the city because the poverty rate is so high and it's really severe) we talked about how we give to organizations that can do the most to help the people, but we also let him give his spending money away as he wanted.  When he asked why we can't just stay at the resort, we explained that by spending money in the local businesses, the people who were poor and needed it most would benefit.  Whenever we give to charity, we explain that we are giving to help people in a certain area and how we are doing that (llamas through Heifer Foundation, money to the orphanage, Smile Train, etc.), so he can feel like he's a part of making things better.  And finally, we periodically tell him that when he's older, we would completely support him if he wanted to return to Peru to volunteer in an orphanage or to work in another capacity with the needy.

I'm sorry I wrote a dissertation.  I know this goes well beyond what you asked, but I really feel tugged by this topic, and wanted to share my experience because it might be helpful to you. 

IRR

Captainserious thanks for sharing. So much to think about as we are sitting here waiting for our LO. Jillian can't read your blog now but sounds like you handled it well and may just need to add some items. Our case will be a bit harder since EPs do have other children they are parenting. I may roll into the story that they know how much we wanted a child and something about having the proper resources for all. This will be tougher than I think I am anticipating.