Ugh had to tell MIL not to smack DD

KateLouise

We visited MIL for lunch. DD wanted to go outside to MIL's cats. MIL didn't want her bothering them, they're a bit skittish.

So DD was sitting at the door watching the cats and then started playing with the locked handle quite roughly. MIL and I both headed over and were telling her to stop being rough with the handle. MIL got to DD first. She pulled DD away by her arm and smacked her on the bottom. It wasn't very hard, just a tap but I was angry.

1) Why smack someone else's kid?

2) Why smack a kid over something so minor, when it was the first time she'd done it.

3) Why smack someone else's kid when the parent is right there and heading over to deal with their kid's behaviour. 

I just said very firmly, "Do not smack her." and then talked with DD about not being rough with the door. But what added to my anger was that after I said "don't smack her." MIL replied with, "no" as though she was suggesting that wasn't a smack and that she wasn't smacking her, and in my head I'm thinking, "yes you did, don't argue with me." (but that's more because she argues over every little thing.)

Anyway just had to vent. 

TiffanyBerry

Ugh! I'm sorry that happened.  I would be irate!

KateLouise

ClaryPax:

Ugh that's rough.  Can you have DH have a talk with her about boundaries? 

I don't know if a talk would really help because she's such a negative person and every interaction with DD is around the lines of telling her off or telling her she should be doing something.

She seldom has anything positive to say to or about DD. It's part of the reason she has never been asked to babysit.

I'm confident she won't smack her again because she's reasonably good at taking that kind of stuff on board even if she argues with you in the first instance. But if she does she'll hear all about it.

 

Kaeldrasmommy

Oh that would make me mad.

kegallagh

Ugh, I would need to vent about that, too. So sorry. :

Emerald27

That would really upset me too. FWIW, my mom has never babysat DS because we have discovered that we disagree about most things parenting. Since I'm her daughter and she knows what's best, she would just "correct" my parenting mistakes while I was away, i.e. teach him to sleep on his own by letting him CIO...not cool.

It might be a good idea, like PP said, to ask your DH or to together go talk to MIL about your discipline philosophy. Tell her directly that when you are there, you want to be the ones responsible for disciplining DD.

ashleylchapman@hotmail.com

Wowsers! I just don't understand some people. 

JellyTwoPointO

Oh man.  I would NOT stand for that.  I probably would've left right then and there and told her that if she wants access to her grandchild, she has to respect not only you as a parent (since you were there) but also your wishes regarding parenting style.  I know I don't have a kid yet (I lurk and occasionally post here to learn, since I'm pregnant) but that is something I would absolutely flip out over.  I'm so sorry she undermined you like that, it is completely inexcusable.

shopgirl 917

No JOKE this just happened to me two weeks ago with my MIL who often doesnt think before she does things! I was speechless and didnt know what to do/say - I still dont if it happens again, I think she thought it was a joke but it really upset me!

highlights

I would have probably had to smack her.

Jena503

WTH? This is so far from normal in my book that I would have probably flipped out on her. I know lots of people who spank. However, I don't know ANYONE who would be ok with grandparents (or any non-parent) spanking. That's what parents are for. If the kid gets to the point where grandma thinks they need spanking, that's when grandma should hand them back to the parents to deal with.

tjkdlhb

WOW!

ncbelle

Yikes!!  That crosses over way too many boundaries  Does she have other grandkids?  Just wondering if she's like this with kids in general or if you feel like it's just your LO.

KateLouise

ncbelle:

Yikes!!  That crosses over way too many boundaries  Does she have other grandkids?  Just wondering if she's like this with kids in general or if you feel like it's just your LO.

She does but they live in another country so she only sees them once a year or so. But she's pretty stern with them too/ expects the worst of them.

I think it's the only way she knows how to interact with kids.  Occasionally she tries to play with DD1 but it's always awkward and she wants it to be on her terms and will get into a little pout if she doesn't respond just "right." Honestly she walked off from DD when she was 9mths old because she was "ignoring" her when in reality DD simply hadn't noticed her yet.

Another time when DD was 7mths old she refused to pick up the toy she'd dropped whilst on her lap because otherwise DD would learn to do it on purpose.

It's just so different from my parents. My Mum and Dad will spend hours reading books, colouring pictures, picking flowers, doing puzzles, gardening with her, playing games. They be stern with DD from time to time but it is completely outweighed by all the positive time they spend with her.

I'm a big believer in it taking a village to raise a child, and that children should listen to their Grandparents and other adults in the family, but to my mind DH and I still take the lead.

Ugh that turned into another ramble. I just get so frustrated that she whines about not being asked to babysit (not do us but to SIL) but does nothing to build a relationship.  

skibunny59

I don't think the tap on the butt would bother me but just the fact that someone else is disciplining my child would piss me off.  Especially if you were right there she had no right to discipline your DD. 

My DD is only 8 months old but I foresee having this sort of problem with DH's family.  They discipline my nephews a lot even when my sister in law is right there.  They don't spank but they administer time outs and such.  It's just not their place.

skibunny59

KateLouise:

ncbelle:

Yikes!!  That crosses over way too many boundaries  Does she have other grandkids?  Just wondering if she's like this with kids in general or if you feel like it's just your LO.

She does but they live in another country so she only sees them once a year or so. But she's pretty stern with them too/ expects the worst of them.

I think it's the only way she knows how to interact with kids.  Occasionally she tries to play with DD1 but it's always awkward and she wants it to be on her terms and will get into a little pout if she doesn't respond just "right." Honestly she walked off from DD when she was 9mths old because she was "ignoring" her when in reality DD simply hadn't noticed her yet.

Another time when DD was 7mths old she refused to pick up the toy she'd dropped whilst on her lap because otherwise DD would learn to do it on purpose.

It's just so different from my parents. My Mum and Dad will spend hours reading books, colouring pictures, picking flowers, doing puzzles, gardening with her, playing games. They be stern with DD from time to time but it is completely outweighed by all the positive time they spend with her.

I'm a big believer in it taking a village to raise a child, and that children should listen to their Grandparents and other adults in the family, but to my mind DH and I still take the lead.

Ugh that turned into another ramble. I just get so frustrated that she whines about not being asked to babysit (not do us but to SIL) but does nothing to build a relationship.  

My MIL sounds a lot like your MIL and my parents sound a lot like your parents.  DD is with my MIL one day a week while I'm at work and I don't like it.  MIL never plays with her or interacts with her much.  I'm not sure she knows how to interact with a baby.  Anyway, she's with my parents the rest of the week and my mom and dad spend the entire day reading to her, singing songs to her, playing, teaching her letters and colors, etc.

skibunny59

I just wanted to add that just like your MIL the whole reason we started bringing DD there once a week was because my MIL was jealous that my mom was watching DD all the time.  And DH was also getting a little jealous that DD was forming a closer bond with my mother than with his mother. 

Oh and you said when your DD was 9 months your MIL wouldn't get a toy because for her when she dropped it.  I have a similar story.  My 8 month old DD was putting a magazine in her mouth and MIL took it from her and said "Not in your mouth."  but then gave it back to my DD.  Well of course DD put it in her mouth again and MIL said quite sternly, "I said not in your mouth."  Um, hello.  She's a baby.  She's going to put things in her mouth.  Why not just give her something appropriate to play with and put in her mouth?  I just have to keep telling myself it's only one day a week.  The rest of the week she's with my parents.

prasad007

What positive does she add to your lives?

Also @skibunny59, why are you sacrificing your peace of mind, as well as your DDs emotional wellbeing and happiness to appease your DH and his mommy? I really do not understand. Fair isn't always equal, so of course your DD is bonding with your parents more. You have to be fair to your DD and not sacrifice her for their selfish desires.

Sorry, I just had to de-lurk to comment. My mind is boggled.

twocents6708

I am waiting for that to happen. This past weekend, DD started biting. She has just bitten me so far and not hard. I respond with "no biting, be gentle" and setting her down off my lap or giving her a toy to chew on. FIL made a comment about getting a spanking and I just said, no this is a developmental norm. I don't know whether to come straight out and tell grandparents that we will NOT be using spanking with DD or just continue to educate and model our parenting methods as we have been doing. Anyway, sorry you are going through this. Definitely not someone else's place to discipline your child when you are right there to respond.

kacelle

That would be the last time MIL saw my or my daughter's face.

...yes, I know that's an overreaction.  But so is smacking a toddler for something so trivial with the parent right there.  I don't get that at all. 

skibunny59

prasad007:

What positive does she add to your lives?

Also @skibunny59, why are you sacrificing your peace of mind, as well as your DDs emotional wellbeing and happiness to appease your DH and his mommy? I really do not understand. Fair isn't always equal, so of course your DD is bonding with your parents more. You have to be fair to your DD and not sacrifice her for their selfish desires.

Sorry, I just had to de-lurk to comment. My mind is boggled.

Because it's really not worth having a huge fight with my DH and his side of the family.  I want DD to have a relationship with both grandparents.  She does fine at my MIL house.  It would be a different story if DD cried every time I left her at MIL's  but that is not the case.  My mom just plays with her more and knows how to interact with her.  MIL doesn't really do much with her but she is well cared for there.  FIL will from time to time get on the floor and play with DD but MIL is just not like that.  It's just not her personality.

cmytutu

Don't f-ng smack MY kid. 

You had your chance with your own.  This one is MINE. 

Back off B*tch. 

See, you have support here!