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Two Under 2
Is it unfair?
I am so back and forth about trying to have another baby (my son is 6 months). One day I'll think, "I CAN'T WAIT," but the next I think, "How could I possibly love another one nearly as much as I love my little man?" I know I will, I just go off in these crazy thought webs of what ifs ... What if my son doesn't feel as loved as he does now? What if I miss out on being just his? What if he starts to resent the new baby because he/she is taking his mommy away?
I know it seems a little silly, but I'm worried. Can anyone share their feelings on the subject? Does it just click?
Thank you in advance.
I know it seems a little silly, but I'm worried. Can anyone share their feelings on the subject? Does it just click?
Thank you in advance.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Is it unfair?
My 2u2 was not planned. DD1 was 9 months old, when I found out that I was pregnant with DD2. I felt like the worst mom in the world and that I was making my baby grow up too quickly. When DD2 was born, DD1 could have cared less. She did her own thing and was not jealous at all of the baby. DD1 would take long afternoon naps, so that was my opportunity to snuggle with DD2 (though I wore her a lot in the Ergo, when we were out and about) and get stuff done around the house. I enjoy the newborn stage and though the sleep deprivation was easier to manage the second time around.
My girls are best friends and it is so wonderful to watch them play and grow up together. Good luck with your decision.
From what I have read on here your feelings are pretty normal. That being said, I never experienced them nor do I really understand them.
Unless you plan on never having a baby again, no future baby will ever get your complete undivided attention. So unless you really believe that second, third, etc children are at a huge disadvantage or at risk for being "scarred" from not having you "all to themselves" for years on end then your thoughts are silly. Of course you will have to split your attention, but IMO the gift of a sibling more than makes up for it.
And yes, you will 100% love your next baby just as much as your first. You just will. I know it is hard to fathom, but could you really imagine how much you would love your current baby before they were here? I know I couldn't. You will not resent your next baby. Yea, your LO might get jealous, but that is okay. Your second baby will also get jealous eventually. Jealousy is normal and can be managed and learned from.
2u2 is not for everyone by any stretch. But the argument that our first born needs years upon years of being the "only" is not one of the logical reasons.
Married 6/28/03
Kate ~ 7/3/09 *** Connor ~ 11/11/10
4 miscarriages: 2007, 2009, 2013, 2014
*~*~*~*~*
No more TTC for us. We are done, and at peace, as a family of 4.
"Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape.” — Charles Dickens
All of this. There are two type of moms in this world, ones who want one child and ones who want more than one. Some moms/dads can only handle/want one child, and there is nothing wrong with that. The rest are moms/dads that want more than one child, and IMHO the age gap is irrelevant.
Honestly following DS1's school schedule (1/2 days, holidays), parent teacher conferences, homework etc. takes more planning than what the little ones are eating/wearing/doing the next day. Either you can handle 2+ kids or you can't. Once you figure out which "mom" you are then you will know.
Totally normal IMO!! I felt this way, although I just felt guilty that I would be changing my DDs life so much and she had no idea it was coming. I didn't feel like I was taking anything away from her. In reality giving her a brother was the best gift I could have ever given her.
The love thing baffled me. I had no idea how I would love my DS as much as my DD. I just couldn't imagine it. As soon as DS was born I loved him. It was instant, and it wasn't instant like that with 1st. I always say that my 1st taught me what love was, and my 2nd taught how far my love could go. I love bought kids equally, just differently.
These fears are normal. There will be tears shed, by you, by your DS, and by the new baby, but a new normal will take place and will barely remember you life without your new baby.
Having our 2nd was hands down the BEST decision we ever made. Our kids are best friends, built in playmates. They love each other so much! They both know how much I love them and I didn't take anything away from my DD.
Thank you SO MUCH for your response! I really was looking for someone else's feelings/story, if that makes sense? I know my life/feelings will of course be different, but hearing someone else describe it really helps! Thank you!
I third sweetpea's post. It seems normal, but I don't get it. Maybe because I am the middle child and clearly survived? A sibling is a great addition to a family, and a gift for life to your first. Not only in a companion, but in lessons on empathy, sharing, and so on. I heard once that for everything you give your child you didn't have, you take away the experience you had coping/making due, etc. You don't divide your love among your children. You just have twice (or thrice) as much to love.
I echo all the previous comments. I think it's a normal thing to think and mentally process. It just means that you love your son and want to make sure you are thinking through all decisions that will impact him.
It is TOTALLY unfair and I'm SO glad my kids have the chance to grow up understanding in a very intimate way that life is unfair. You are not the center of the universe. You DO have to wait while others have turns. Other people will not love JUST you in their lives but it doesn't mean that they don't love you whole heartedly or "enough".
If this is a "do we stop at 1 or have another" thought process that's a whole different ball game but if you are confident that you want another I will share with you that my kids had WAY less difficulty adapting to each other than my friends who have kids farther apart. With my friends it's the 3 and 4 yr olds who REALLY struggle when Mom brings home a new and needy baby. With mine he honestly doesn't remember a time when his brother wasn't a part of our family.
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
Wonderful replies from everyone! We found out we were expecting DS2 when DS1 was only five months old, and although it's a bit scary for medical reasons (I'm 25 weeks pregnant, four weeks away from when I had to have my first baby), DH and I are THRILLED that the boys will be so close in age and will have each other to grow up with. I think an older child is more likely to feel momentary resentment of the attention being taken away... but with babies so close together, the older LO just isn't old enough to feel jealousy or resentment. And, the older baby will never remember a time when he/she didn't have a sibling... which I think is a wonderful thing!
Maybe it's because DH and I are older, but we believe the very best gift we can give our baby boy is a sibling... someone who can be in his life for his entire life.