**Update** FTMs: Is your husband being WEIRD?

eatdrinkstretch

So.... my normally sweet, supportive, very-excited-to-be-a-dad husband has suddenly been replaced by a moody, scared, defensive guy.  It seems like the bigger and more uncomfortable I get, the more he wants to bury his head in the sand and pretend that this isn't happening.  Which of course is not coinciding well with my hyper nesting instincts, hormones, and desires to start crossing things off the (looooonnnnnng) to do list.  

I know that the reality of having a baby and our lives totally changing is starting to hit - hard - and I know that he is terrified about being a good dad and about being replaced by the baby.  I am sure my total preoccupation with all things baby these days isn't helping.  Part of me wants to take a "baby break" and give him some breathing room by not pushing him on decisions or projects (which is basically the course of action that led us to this point - less than 9 weeks to go and A LOT left to do), but the other part of me needs him to man up and deal.  Any advice?  Please, pretty please???   

WinterBenson

Ask him how he feels and why he's acting this way. Maybe he doesn't even realize he's doing it. Communication, it works. 

DanielleB256

I'd try going on a date. Just do something fun that you would normally have done & try and keep the baby talk out of it. Then maybe after all the fun and he's relaxed he'll tell you why he's freaking out? 

wifeofadam

I think we forget how hard this can be on our husbands.  We feel the baby growing inside us, so the reality of the baby existing is very real to us.  Our husbands only see the changes we are experiencing and hold on to the idea of this baby they have seen in the ultrasounds or hear on the doppler.  It isn't real yet, yet their lives are completely changing. 

When we had #1, it didn't really hit DH that it was happening until the last month of my pregnancy.  Even then, I don't think it REALLY hit him until he held DS1 for the first time.  I saw it happen - our son was in his arms and the lightbulb completely went off in DH's mind.  From that moment of he was so different.  That night when he left the hospital he asked me to make a list of what I needed from him.  When I got home from the hospital he had (on his own) had his sister come over to clean the whole house, stocked the fridge with food for me, gone shopping for random stuff we needed.  It was amazing.

After that there were periods of adjustment.  DH started acting strangely and you could tell the sudden pressure of realizing there was another person to provide for was getting to him.  This got better when we talked about it all.

Men prepare differently than we do and don't have the same nesting urges or attachment to the pregnancy at this poitn that we do.  Talk to your DH.  That's the only way you can know what is going on in his mind right now.

schwabmomma

I don't have any great advice to give you, but I'll tell you that I can completely relate! My hubs has been acting like a royal PITA lately. I have been doing alot of the preparations myself and he is almost acting like he's jealous of the baby already- that I am more focused on that than him. We have 2 full days worth of birthing/baby-care classes this weekend and I'm not looking forward to dealing with his crappy attitude about going with me.

dbowitz

DanielleB256:

I'd try going on a date. Just do something fun that you would normally have done & try and keep the baby talk out of it. Then maybe after all the fun and he's relaxed he'll tell you why he's freaking out? 

Maybe a babymoon? It doesn't have to be expensive or a big trip, but just a quick weekend getaway or even a dinner out at a nice restaurant. DH and I were able to take a babymoon and it really bonded us a couple. While you're together and relaxed, ask him how feels about everything. My DH is the primary breadwinner and he was nervous about being able to provide for me and baby and being a good dad. Could something like that be going on? 

ATLdesi

On the whole, my DH hasn't been too weird - but we did have an exchange day before yesterday that had me shaking my head and saying "WTF?!"  We were talking about the post-delivery plan, and how many days he was planning to take off.  Our initial plan was for him to take about 3 days off for the delivery.  But a few friends have been advising him to take a full week off that first week, and while I am taking their advice seriously as they're experienced moms, DH is balking at it.My DH is in a medical fellowship which admittedly he loves and enjoys.  I understand that he finds his work rewarding and all, but we are having a BABY and, silly me, I think getting to know his son is also going to be rewarding/enjoyable!  DH was saying "I don't want to take a full week off, because you know, I really love going to work, and I learn so much there!  I would hate to miss another 4 days in the same week, because what if we get interesting cases?"  At which point (major TMI) I pointed to my hooha and said "dude, I'm going to have an interesting case COMING OUT OF HERE.  And you're going to have a lot of learning to do with feeding, diapering, and helping me with the baby.  You better take a week off!"  

KayLorraine

adamwife:

I think we forget how hard this can be on our husbands.nbsp; We feel the baby growing inside us, so the reality of the baby existing is very real to us.nbsp; Our husbands only see the changes we are experiencing and hold on to the idea of this baby they have seen in the ultrasounds or hear on the doppler.nbsp; It isn't real yet, yet their lives are completely changing.nbsp

. This exactly. I think need to try to see it from their perspective.

eatdrinkstretch

KayLorraine:

adamwife:

I think we forget how hard this can be on our husbands.nbsp; We feel the baby growing inside us, so the reality of the baby existing is very real to us.nbsp; Our husbands only see the changes we are experiencing and hold on to the idea of this baby they have seen in the ultrasounds or hear on the doppler.nbsp; It isn't real yet, yet their lives are completely changing.nbsp

. This exactly. I think need to try to see it from their perspective.

This is exactly what my mom said.  What do you guys think about throwing some money at the problem and giving him a super-special date this weekend (no baby talk, relaxing activities, something fun he'd like to do, dinner somewhere nice???) so that he feels as pampered as I have? 

TaterTwins

I also think some guys don't get the full gist of it until that baby is physically on the outside.

wifeofadam

eatdrinkstretch:

KayLorraine:

adamwife:

I think we forget how hard this can be on our husbands.nbsp; We feel the baby growing inside us, so the reality of the baby existing is very real to us.nbsp; Our husbands only see the changes we are experiencing and hold on to the idea of this baby they have seen in the ultrasounds or hear on the doppler.nbsp; It isn't real yet, yet their lives are completely changing.nbsp

. This exactly. I think need to try to see it from their perspective.

This is exactly what my mom said.  What do you guys think about throwing some money at the problem and giving him a super-special date this weekend (no baby talk, relaxing activities, something fun he'd like to do, dinner somewhere nice???) so that he feels as pampered as I have? 

Do it!  Even if your DH isn't acting weird, it could be a while before you get to do it again once the baby comes!

JumpAroundBucky

WinterBenson:

Ask him how he feels and why he's acting this way. Maybe he doesn't even realize he's doing it. Communication, it works.

DH was acting weird for awhile, and when we talked about it, he said he was just so stressed out about the finances with the baby coming, and that every time we get another thing ready for the baby, we're just that much closer to him being here and having another mouth to feed (so to speak). I mentioned a lot of things that he hadn't thought of and we talked to out. He feels better and I have my husband back. Just talk.  

jadedtaboo

dbowitz:

DanielleB256:

I'd try going on a date. Just do something fun that you would normally have done & try and keep the baby talk out of it. Then maybe after all the fun and he's relaxed he'll tell you why he's freaking out? 

Maybe a babymoon? It doesn't have to be expensive or a big trip, but just a quick weekend getaway or even a dinner out at a nice restaurant. DH and I were able to take a babymoon and it really bonded us a couple. While you're together and relaxed, ask him how feels about everything. My DH is the primary breadwinner and he was nervous about being able to provide for me and baby and being a good dad. Could something like that be going on? 

This exactly! My husband was dragging his feet too and acting jealous until we took a week off and hit the beach. Once we got back he landscaped the yard, finished little ones nursery and started buying her every cute dress he could get his hands on. He needed my attention on him so he felt ready to put his attention on her. Our husbands may be nervous about where they stand once LO gets here. Just remind them there is room in your heart for everyone.  

Hannahbanana54

ATLdesi:

On the whole, my DH hasn't been too weird - but we did have an exchange day before yesterday that had me shaking my head and saying "WTF?!"  We were talking about the post-delivery plan, and how many days he was planning to take off.  Our initial plan was for him to take about 3 days off for the delivery.  But a few friends have been advising him to take a full week off that first week, and while I am taking their advice seriously as they're experienced moms, DH is balking at it.My DH is in a medical fellowship which admittedly he loves and enjoys.  I understand that he finds his work rewarding and all, but we are having a BABY and, silly me, I think getting to know his son is also going to be rewarding/enjoyable!  DH was saying "I don't want to take a full week off, because you know, I really love going to work, and I learn so much there!  I would hate to miss another 4 days in the same week, because what if we get interesting cases?"  At which point (major TMI) I pointed to my hooha and said "dude, I'm going to have an interesting case COMING OUT OF HERE.  And you're going to have a lot of learning to do with feeding, diapering, and helping me with the baby.  You better take a week off!"  

 

 

 What fellowship is he in? He should be able to take parental leave (covered by the hospitals policy, I'd call HR and the GME office) without eating any vacation time. If he only takes an extra week he likely wouldn't have to pay it back at the end of fellowship. You can google his certifying board's policies, for example ABIMs policy is 4 weeks per year of missed training that doesnt need to be paid back. There is a decent chance the leave can be paid as well, all of mine will be.

 As for the "interesting cases" comment- sounds like BS to me. This is your first child. Does he not take vacations for fear of missing "interesting cases"? He needs to take the week off.

eatdrinkstretch

**Update**  I decided to give my husband some time away from our house and all things baby and the never-ending "to do" list this weekend.  I planned a weekend of pampering for us - we both had massages, went for a nice dinner out, stayed at a fancy hotel (thank you, last minute Priceline deal!!!), and slept in Sunday before our childbirth class.  It was AMAZING.  Not only did the weekend "away" give us a chance to reconnect as a couple, but it gave us some quiet, loving space to talk about what has been going on in our lives.  Turns out my husband is thrilled about all things baby, but is extremely stressed about work and his grandmother's failing health.  He hadn't wanted to bring up the work stress because he wanted to leave work at work and not talk about it at home, which I *completely* understand.  We had a great experience at our class - which I think gave my husband some concrete ideas about what he can do to provide hands-on support during labor and be useful during the process.

Thank you SO much to everyone who chimed in with great advice!!! 

wifeofadam

I'm so glad you guys had some good quality time and got a chance to talk about things.  I'm sorry to hear about your DH's grandmother.  My DH is going through the same thing right now too and won't talk about it with me.