Q for the dads from a FTM
Hey there! So I'm going to preface this by saying that this question is totally from me and not from Spouseman at all, so it isn't like he is even concerned about this.
This is our first pregnancy/baby and I'm due in May. I'm going to be a stay at home mom while he keeps working full time. From what I've read here and heard from a good friend of ours who had his first in February, when dad gets home from he work, he pretty much takes care of all things baby for a while to give mom a break and spend time with the kid. While I think that sounds GREAT for me, I'm worried about him! If he is just getting home after a long day of work, is it really fair to expect him to take care of the baby in the few hours of down time he has before going to bed to get up and do it all over again? The way it is now, he tends to be pretty wiped when he gets home, and likes to just relax on the couch on the computer catching up with the news, playing video games, or watching tv with me. I guess it is really hard for me to imagine him being able to take care of a baby during that time. And I don't think that it is really fair of me to expect that from him either, because he does work so hard, you know? I know he likes his quiet time to wind down and relax. I just don't want him to feel like he never gets a break in exchange for me being able to have one.
ETA: He is already very good with helping me with the housework, but we aren't the neatest people, so we don't really clean up all that often. But we split the household chores about evenly, he does the litterboxes (we have cats) and the vacuuming, I do the laundry and clean the bathrooms, and we both clean the kitchen/living room (typically, he organizes the paper stuff in the living room and cleans the big pans, I clean the actual kitchen and the coffee table, and we both fill and empty the dishwasher equally or do it together). But I feel like all of that is nothing compared to taking care of a baby, because like I said, we don't do all of that very often, and it is mostly on the weekends, not during the week anyways.
Any thoughts/advice on this? TIA!
Re: Q for the dads from a FTM
Maybe give him an hour to unwind before shoving "all" responsibility on him. That isn't to say he gets an hour of no responsibility, but let him ease into the transition from work to home. That is also to say that it shouldn't be an automatic where he walks into the door and you are absolved of any and/or all responsibility for your child. You should both share the load, but when he gets home that leads to the perfect time for you to go take a long shower, or nice bath to relax and get some you time in. It should never be (and I'm not saying you would make it to be) where he walks in the door, you hand him your child and you go eat bon bons, watching TV on the couch while he struggles.
I hate to tell your husband, but some of the things he's grown accustomed to are going to change. He's not going to get to play his video games much for a while. He's not going to get a whole lot of "quiet time", especially at first because he/she will only sleep about 2-3 hours at a time. It is part of the sacrifice of being a father, and in the big picture, it isn't that big of a sacrifice when you look at the reward you receive.
My wife isn't a SAHM, but she is on maternity leave and since I've been back at work this is pretty much how our day goes. She has LO all day and when I get home we eat dinner, talk a little, then I take over everything. She usually disappears upstairs with a shower, some catch up on e-mails and goes to sleep for 3-4 hours before we start the nightly feedings. Once we hit the second feeding around 12 midnight/1pm, my wife takes over again and I get some sleep so I can get up at 7am and start my work day.
This is rough, but we both know this is temporary until he starts sleeping through the night and eventually will get bigger and more self-sufficient and we can find a regular pattern.
I get home around 6 PM. The latest we ever let him stay up is 8 PM, but usually he's in bed by 7:30.
Thanks, everyone. I appreciate all your comments and sharing what works for your family.
He is definitely aware that he won't have time for video games and such, so I'm not worried about that, but it sounds like it is possible to not have him be overwhelmed with baby duties when he gets home and still have him take over enough for me to get a little bit of a break. I know it is all about finding that balance, and I know it won't happen until the baby is actually here, but I like to be prepared with thoughts and ideas at least.
He mentioned wanting to be more diligent about taking a shower right away (instead of waiting) when he gets home from work so that he isn't all sweaty when holding the baby, so that might be the perfect start to letting him relax after work with a nice hot shower, some down time on the couch, and then he gets the baby and I get to shower after that. We'll see if it works in real life though!
That being said, any other advice or stories are always welcome!
I needed about 1/2 hours to unwind from the day before I gave my wife a break form taking care of our little pup.
But after that I let the wife take a break and I spend time with the boy. I rush home from work every night to make sure I get my time in with the boy. He is in bed by 8, so I only get three hours of him before bedtime.