I kind of can't stand DS1 right now
bethann3181
member
I sound like such as a*s saying this, but I am really disliking my DS1. I feel like his "terrible twos" started when he was 15 months old, and his attitude and bad behavior is stronger now than ever. I really feel like NOTHING is easy with him. He has had stong separation anxiety since 9 months old. Right now, he freaks out whenever I leave the room, going to work (he's home with a nanny) is tantrum central everyday, he wakes up in the middle of the night yelling for me. When DH comes in the room, he screams for him to go away. He refuses to have his picture taken, or even if I try to take pictures of DS2, he freaks. Bedtime is an hour and a half long ordeal, that ends with him crying EVERY night. He throws things all the time - if he's angry especially. When I walk in the door from work everyday, I see him jumping up and down in the house, saying "Mama!" as I'm pulling in the driveway, but the second I walk in, he screams, throws things, and acts out until bedtime. At meals, he pushes his food away, throws his cup and his fork. It's very hard to get him to engage in an activity. When we go to a friends house, he screams at the door, and claws to get out for a good half hour, until we ignore him and he works it out on his own. If friends (with kids) come over, he freaks and acts out for most of the visit. I just took him to Gymboree this morning, which I thought would be fun for him, free play, and climbing.things, which he loves. He freaked when they started to play with the parachute, and couldn't enjoy the teacher blowing bubbles (even though he loves bubbles) because he was so insistent on blowing them himself, but she wouldn't allow him to. He had at least three tantrums because of minor things, when I wished he could run around and enjoy himself.
In short, I KNOW he's just 2. But, really, I'm sick of hearing this. Everywhere we go, kids his age seems to enjoy themselves (at least, at times), but I feel like he is so rarely content with anything.
He does have a speech delay which has come really far, and he's been evaluated for other developmental disorders, and specifically autism, and the doctors didn't see any issues.
DH and I have tried various discipline methods, but they don't seem to have an impact. Timeouts, ignoring the bad behavior/throwing, trying to talk to him positively, nothing. I would love some guidance on iother methods, but work is crazy right now, DH works insane hours, and I feel too exhausted to read through multiple books to try to find one that works for us, and honestly feel overwhelmed on not even knowing where to start.
Really, I want to enjoy DS1. I know this age comes with difficulty, but I can't help but feel like everything is a struggle, and I'm wanting to escape him more and more. Worse, whenever we are with anyone with kids of the same age range (like today at Gymboree), I feel like I am always the one with the pain in the a*s kid. I'm sure others feel that way too, but I'm getting to the end of my rope with him. It's been over a year of all this. He was such a content baby.
Reassurance, flaming, others who can relate?
Re: I kind of can't stand DS1 right now
No flaming; that sounds really really hard.
The only thing I can suggest is talking to a place that offers services (like for those with autism) but doesn't require you to have a diagnosis. (I know in WA that Kindering offers some of these services. A friend whose son was tested for autism (but doesn't have it) received services there.) Or possibly a child psychologist (another friend is making use of one for their four year old).
Sometimes, you can try everything you can think of, and without doing anything wrong at all, you just need some more help.
I don't know if it would work, but it's what I would do and what I've known other parents to do.
Good luck, and hang in there. It sounds rough!
How frustrating!
I think (and I'm no professional) that this sounds a little more severe than normal 2 year old moodiness. Have you considered seeing a child psychologist for some help, behavoral modification or observation?
You said his vocab isn't great- does he know any baby sign? I find that this helped a lot back before DS could speak well. Even now, if he gets really upset, he can generally sign something while calming down enough to speak again.
Good luck!!
He behaves pretty well for our nanny. She sees how he is with me when I come home from works, and has said a few times ?He doesn?t act like that for me.? When grandparents babysit, he is good for them too ? he acts out here and there in minor ways, but what I would think is the typical behavior for a 2 year old.
I feel like it?s all about the attention. He demands/wants our undivided attention ALL.the.time. I try to give him as much as I can, but it?s exhausting, since there are just other things in life, not to mention DS2. I did notice that during Thanksgiving weekend, he was more content on Saturday and Sunday ? after he had 2 full days of being with us. However, we did have friends over on Sunday afternoon (who have a 2 ? year old DS as well), and DS acted out for most of the time they were over. When we go to other?s houses, I wonder if he freaks because he knows this is the end of undivided attention for a period of time. DH and I both strive to spend alone, QT with him every night, without DS2 around, but that usually happens after DS2 goes to bed. I did try for a few weeks to have our nanny go into the other room with DS2 when I first get home from work (because DS2 fusses when he sees me until I hold him), so I could spend 20 minutes alone with DS1 before the hubbub of the evening. He was ok during this time, but it seemed like it wasn?t enough. As soon as DH comes in, dinner needs to be made, DS2 needs to be fed, DS1 acts badly again. It?s like he?s only content when he?s getting that quiet, one-on-one quality time with me.
It?s getting to the point where I am spending so much more time with DS1 than DS2, and it feels unfair to me and DS2. Especially when the time I?m trying to devote to DS1 doesn?t seem to get us anywhere.
Spin ? admittedly, we don?t implement a behavior plan for more than a week or two. We end up getting so frustrated, and go back to scolding. Example ? DS1 was mad at DH recently, and threw something in anger. DH wasn?t looking in that moment, do DS1 called ?Daddy!?, and pointed to the item he threw ? for the attention. After that, we started ignoring the throwing completely. However, after a few days, he winged his full milk cup across the dinner table, and that night threw DH?s phone across the room when all DH said was ?It?s time to turn out the lights.? In those moments, we get so frustrated, and end up yelling, ?We do NOT throw! You can hurt someone! Now, pick it up.?
And, repeat cycle.
A lot of what you describe, sounds like what goes on in my house. If dh and I even try to have a conversation with each other, when ds is in the room, he will do destructive things to try to get attention.
My ds is on the autism spectrum and we believe he has Aspergers. I will say one discipline method that I have found that works for him is what his Special Needs preschool uses, and that is Conscious Discipline.
Here is a link to their website:
https://consciousdiscipline.com/Default.asp
Ds loves the "I Love You" rituals, and we use one every night at bedtime. I've noticed that when I verbalize his behaviour it also tends to make him stop and watch what I'm doing. He has been in speech, even before preschool since age 2 in EI.
I've noticed since doing this, we don't yell as much. His behaviour is not perfect but it's improving. I would also get an evaluation with a Developemental Pedi, who may have a better idea of what to look for in terms of delays and behavioral issues.
Good luck!
That does sound like a nightmare! Our little guy is a bit wild too! I have learend that bad behavior (throwing, hitting, biting ,screaming out) occurs when he isn't getting direct attention. To be proactive, I try to include him in as much as possible. I also work full time so this happens in the evenings. For example, when I cook, I encourage him to help stir (he pushes a chair up to the counter). Sometimes I just give him random things to stir. I talk him through the process. "we are making XYZ...we have to stir it with a spoon....can you show me how to stir with a spoon. Can you say spoon.....good boy!. He helps me unload the dishwasher. He has a duster that he helps during cleaning. When I vacuum, he uses a dust buster. I talk with him through everything.
I have learned that I cannot ignore anymore. The behavior becomes bigger and more dramatic. I address bad behavior quickly and sternly. I will often give one warning and if the behavior continues even one more time there is a consequnce. Then if it happens again...consequence right away. Usually a 2 minute time out. Sometimes I have to hold him down. I don't give eye contact during a consqeunce.
I also try to offer choices as often as I can. Closed choices. "We are taking a bath in five mintues. Do you want bubbles or plain water?" if he can't speak those words create pictues of the choices and have him point. Or "It's snack time. I am going to put you in your booster. Do you want this or that?"
I think you really need to structure the evenings. Try to make them routine. Build in time for him to play independently. Maybe try setting a timer (they make timers that visually show the time frame). Start small and gruadually build up the time. Just try to be proactive as much as possible, offer closed choices, talk him through the process, ask him to repeat words and praise him....and do not accept bad behavior. Give consequences. GL
I totally get it, and I am really sorry you are going through this. We all want to not just love our child, but LIKE our child, all the time. And believe me, I don't always like my older daughter. There are times she makes me cry, like when she refuses to look at me when she leaves the house with her father, or says she doesn't love me. DH just says, she's two, don't take it personally. I can't even imagine what I would do if I had to put up with the behavior you described. There's a reason for his behavior, and you will get to the bottom of it. Just a thought, how well do you know your nanny? I work in law enforcement, and if there is no organic reason for his actions, I tend to think of not what, but who, is causing the behavior.
I have a very difficult DS and we often go through 45 min tantrum (out if control) because it is time to wear a shirt.
I started to read "the explosive child" I highly recommend it for what you are going through.
MCHAT is a screening tool. It is not diagnostic. The frequency, intensity and duration of your child's behavior points to something else going on.
I agree with others that you need a more qualified professional to evaluate what is. going on. Either a developmental pediatrician or behavioral psychologist is the person to see. I would post this on the special needs board. There are a lot of moms there with varying diagnosis that will be able to point you in the right direction.
Hugs.
ETA-You already saw a developmental pedi and all they did was an MCHAT??? This sounds off to me...That appointment should have been at least a couple of hours long with lotsof questions for you and observation of your DS. Did you go to CHOP?
I am not an expert but we did take our DS to a dev. psych for anxiety like acting out behaviors on the rec of our pedi... while she didnt feel it was anything serious (mostly related to a lot of adjustment in the last year combined w/ his personality), she referred us to a psychologist (us, not him) for some parental counseling about ways to address & deal w/ the specific behaviors,d ecrease his anxiety, etc.
If you feel comfortable that there is not something bigger that needs to be addressed based on your previous assessments, then maybe you could do something like that just to get a little support/talk through things/get reinforcement & ideas?
My DS was similar in a lot of ways. He had terrible separation anxiety. He basically cried whenever someone unfamiliar came into our house or if he had to go anywhere he's never seen before. Forget about us leaving him with anyone but the sitter. It took him over 2 years to NOT cry when he saw his grandparents walk through the door...and my IL's came every other weekend and he still cried. He was also a late talker, but we did signing with him.
Have you tried reading Raising Your Spirited Child? That helped us understand DS a little better. We learned that he does not do well in large group settings, especially with strangers. So things like the Little Gym Classes/ Gymboree did not work for him. He would either cry or sit on my lap the entire time. So we take him away when he starts to get cranky and let him play alone for a little bit before bringing him back in.
We decided to put him in 3 morning a week preschool last year and he changed so much over the course of that year. THe first month was rough because of his separation anxiety and he didn't talk or interact with anyone in class until March. He went to his first bday party and cried most of the time. But towards the end of the year, he started coming out of his shell. This year, he is a totally different kid...communicates well, loves school, doesn't mind if we leave, loves parties, etc.
Hang in there....a year can make a world of difference. Hopefully he'll outgrow this stage!