... i am still in mourning over my pregnancy and looking at my handsome son, I feel bad for it. But truthfully, I do not think I gave myself a chance to really grieve for it because I had to put on this strong front for him while he was in the NICU. And now that he is out, I am not sure if I am allowed to.
Last week The beau and I were looking a show on TV (Tia and Tamera) and they kept showing Tia touching her sister's pregnant tummy and how when her husband got home he would rub her belly and I broke down. My beau didnt understand it but I told him that it was still fresh and it may be awhile before I wont have episodes like this. I went back to work for two days (before I put in for more leave) and it took everything in me not to breakdown and cry when I saw my pregnant co-worker (she was due a week after me).
But the big breakdown came this afternoon. I was already having a not so great day at the SSI office and my sorority sister gave me a call. She let me know that her and my other sorority sister had made a decision to move my baby shower to January b/c so many on my invite list couldnt make it or gave other reasons. I broke down and was babbling that people simply didnt like me and that I had done something bad in my previous life etc. Then i told her that I wouldnt be having one at work either. It is not the showers themselves I am upset about... IT IS EVERYTHING I SEEMED TO HAVE MISSED DURING THE PREGNANCY. I have no pictures of myself pregnant, except the ones I took with my cell phone. The maternity pictures didnt happen, the baby moon, the beau getting to rub on my tummy all the time etc. I just kept sobbing and asking what in the world did I do to gain this pregnancy/parenting experiencing.
Thank you ladies for letting me get this off my chest. I just didnt truly expect it to hurt this bad...
Re: A breakdown I hope someone will understand...(kinda long)
HI,
I never post or reply. But, I get you and its ok!
I was seven weeks early and had a rough pregnancy I never got to the big round belly or pictures. Also, was told I was having a boy on two different occasions. But, I found out the sonograms were wrong when I delivered out a wonderful baby girl. She was in the NICU for two weeks. Yesterday was my due date and I am still blaming myself for her being early and mourning the loss of being pregnant and not having a son.
When I was pregnant I day dreamed about my life with a son. I was not disappointed to have a girl but I did feel sad about letting go of my son I had day dreamed about.
Whatever you are feeling it?s ok to feel. Not everyone will understand but I do. Just take a deep breath and take it one day at a time. Do things to make yourself feel better, a mommy and son photo shoot, give the baby a welcome home party or just give your son a hug.
Every mommy has a bad day, feels sad and overwhelmed at one point or another. And everyone has a breaking point. If does not get better talk to your doctor you may have a little postpartum depression It will get better.
Good Luck New Mommy
Yes he is still very young (still in adjusted gestational age but 9 weeks actual) and getting up with him every three hours and dealing with his reflux at night too... My goodness