Need help with how to get my mother in check

Tink1704

So I have a brother who is 6 years older and had a baby at 18 who he gave up his rights when the mother left him and married another man. My mother never got to know the child until this past Feb when she turned 14. So she is super anxious for a grand baby! Well thing is she is a bit unstable, diabetic, bad thyroid, etc. She almost killed herself last Dec due to her stupidity of being a extreme diabetic and drinking Pepsi and eating really unhealthy while rarely checking her blood sugar. She is telling everyone that she is going to babysit our baby when I got back to work 6 months after the baby is born. We have already told her we are planning on making it work with our schedules and so on.

Well today she went out and bought baby clothes, toys, and a diaper bag! For herself! She said that she will need it all for when the baby comes over to stay. With her inability to take care of herself there is no way I am leaving my infant child with her alone! She even called my dads girlfriend to tell her that she will be doing all the babysitting. I am losing it!  How can I make her understand that she can come visit the baby but not watch the child unsupervised and that its OUR baby not hers?!?!?

blue_elle

What are you so afraid is going to happen while your baby is in her care? She's diabetic and doesn't live the healthy lifestyle you'd like; are you going to require a health screening for all person's whom you'd allow to watch your child? Exclude people over a certain age because they're at higher risk for heart attack, stroke, etc.? Anyone could fall over dead while your child is in their care. Really, it happens.

If she's abusive, has a mental disorder, has a filthy, unsafe home I get it. That she doesn't eat as well as she should given her disease isn't IMO a real reason to gets pissy that she would want to babysit your child.

That being said, it's your child and your relationship with her to do with as you please. If you don't want her watching your child then you're just going to have to sit down with her and discuss. 

Tink1704

My hubby and I have told her but she is refusing to listen and yes I dont want her watching my child because she doesnt take care of herself. Being diabetic you have to watch what you eat and take insulin. She doesnt do either and which is why she put herself in a diabetic coma ending up in the hospital for 3 months. She doesnt keep a clean house and sleeps most of the day. My point being that if she can't take care of herself, then how can I even think of letting her babysit my child??? My husband is a military cop and can get very blunt and sometimes rude when people refuse to listen so I am trying to avoid him taking control of the situation. But so far she thinks shes making the rules and we are just to follow. Which is not going to happen, but to call my dads longtime girlfriend and go off on her about how she wont be watching the baby ever only her, is a bit extreme. I am starting to wonder if I need to get a therapist involved to explain it to her. her fb posts are really starting to piss me off! She just posted names for the baby after we told her we are not doing any family names. She is out of control!

opheliainwaders

blue_elle:

What are you so afraid is going to happen while your baby is in her care? She's diabetic and doesn't live the healthy lifestyle you'd like; are you going to require a health screening for all person's whom you'd allow to watch your child? Exclude people over a certain age because they're at higher risk for heart attack, stroke, etc.? Anyone could fall over dead while your child is in their care. Really, it happens.

If she's abusive, has a mental disorder, has a filthy, unsafe home I get it. That she doesn't eat as well as she should given her disease isn't IMO a real reason to gets pissy that she would want to babysit your child.

That being said, it's your child and your relationship with her to do with as you please. If you don't want her watching your child then you're just going to have to sit down with her and discuss. 

Not to put words in OP's mouth, but I assumed that "almost killed herself" related to going into some sort of diabetic shock/coma? My guess is that OP is concerned that her mother's history of being unable to control her health could mean that she would put the baby at risk if she had a health emergency.

(I'll agree that there also seems to be an element here of "she wouldn't do it the way I would do it, but I figured I'd give her the benefit of the doubt!)

Tink1704

If I asked my mother not to give our child candy she would do it anyways because she thinks rules dont apply to her. But I am really concerned on how to get my mother to understand my concern with how she is going to take care of a baby when she cant take care of herself? She can live her life anyway she wants but I have a right to interject if she was watching my child.We have already told her we have the daycare figured out, but she keeps saying that she will be watching the baby while I am at work. With the hormones already in higher gear I am afraid of snapping at her. And really she doesnt need a diaper bag at her house! I just cant figure out how to make her understand. Im not going to put my child at risk by letting her watch him/her.

blue_elle

"Mom, we're concerned about your health, especially after you had to stay in the hospital last year. We've discussed it and decide we aren't comfortable having you watch the baby alone. We'll be happy to visit with the baby as often as possible though"

Rinse and repeat until mom gets it. 

Tink1704

When she almost killed herself she had a 2 liter of pepsi followed by a lot of carbs. She hadent checked her blood sugar in over 5 weeks and she went to sleep because it got so high. She started vomiting and quite breathing in her sleep. My older brother just happened to be stopping by and started mouth to mouth and called 911. They had to use a defib on her three times before getting her stable. She will not listen to us that she needs to take care of herself and yet is making plans for when she watches the baby. 

And I already planned on letting her watch the baby under our supervision. I just dont want to leave her alone with the baby.

ScarletOflaherty

Between the health concerns, what sounds like a serious case of depression, and the major over-stepping of boundaries, I wouldn't leave my child with her either. You can try sitting her down and explaining to her firmly, but I suspect there would be some major dramatics on her part.

ladybugpjb

I'm sorry you're in this situation - no matter what you do, there are going to be hurt feelings.

I would also be hesitant to leave LO with someone who doesn't take care of herself and who doesn't seem to listen to what you say. If she's not listening to you now, then she probably wouldn't listen to you if you did leave LO with her and say "You need to do X, Y, and Z with LO" (feeding instructions, etc.).

Stand your ground, but try to find a way to be respectful about it. You don't want to cut your mom completely off.

Also, you have time to work things out before LO arrives. Try not to stress about it.

Disneygeek77

Be clear and direct and I wouldn't even give details or reasons why she isn't watching the baby.  That might give her the impression that if she eats a little better, checks her glucose levels a bit, etc for a short time; she might be able to convince you she can watch the baby.  I would just tell your mom that you have made other arrangements for child care and you won't be changing your mind.

As far as her spending money on baby gear, ehh it's her money and if she wants to waste it, that is on her. 

Oh and I agree with your guys, I wouldn't let her watch my baby either.  Good decision.  She  sounds like she is in denial about her health and watching the baby.  If that is the case, there isn't much you can do besides correcting her every single time. Also, does she make these baby watching comments in front of you or in front of other people ?  Could it be she is just trying to save face and for others to think she is going to be this awesome, doting grandma ?

Tink1704

She makes comments on facebook, tells people in front of me and even called my dads gf to make sure she understood that the "real grandma" would be doing all the babysitting. It really is becoming frustrating and its been a daily thing with her comments.

Disneygeek77

Tink1704:

She makes comments on facebook, tells people in front of me and even called my dads gf to make sure she understood that the "real grandma" would be doing all the babysitting. It really is becoming frustrating and its been a daily thing with her comments.

Hmmmmm.  Then I have a feeling this is all for show.  She probably has friends who watch their grandchildren so she might feel like she wants to be a part of their club, if that makes sense.

bumpuser8448316

My mother has health issues, among other issues. I don't really allow her to be alone with DS. I'm 99% positive most of what she says/claims is made-up but if she's going to be all dramatic with her health, then she's not stable enough to take care of my kid.

In the end, YOU are the parents and YOU decide who is and isn't allowed to be alone with your child. You need to start being firm with her now and just keep letting her know that you already have your schedules worked out to cover childcare and thank her for her offer. Don't back down. If you aren't comfortable with your mom being alone with LO then stand firm. Who cares what anyone else thinks.

bumpuser8448316

Tink1704:

If I asked my mother not to give our child candy she would do it anyways because she thinks rules dont apply to her. But I am really concerned on how to get my mother to understand my concern with how she is going to take care of a baby when she cant take care of herself? She can live her life anyway she wants but I have a right to interject if she was watching my child.We have already told her we have the daycare figured out, but she keeps saying that she will be watching the baby while I am at work. With the hormones already in higher gear I am afraid of snapping at her. And really she doesnt need a diaper bag at her house! I just cant figure out how to make her understand. Im not going to put my child at risk by letting her watch him/her.

You are going to have to pick and choose your battles. Let her buy a diaper bag if she wants, it's not going to hurt anything.

Your mom sounds a lot like mine so I can totally understand where your frustration is coming from.

sheacox

Wow this is a lot of drama and to only be 5 weeks pregnant. I do not envy your next 35 weeks. Good luck op. 

notquiteblushing

Ok try to remain calm. You have a LOT of pregnancy to go plus the six months you plan to stay at home.  By that time she may very well have gotten over her babysitting fantasies.  Either way, she won't be watching your kid against your will.  Just avoid the subject with her.  There's really no need to be hashing it out 15 months in advance anyway.  As for a diaper bag and baby clothes - it's her money to spend.  Maybe the arrival of a grandchild will be an incentive to take better care of herself.

StarshineR

"I am afraid of snapping at her."

If you are only 5 weeks and she just found out, I'd give it some time for her to get over the excitement, but if it continues then you may need to "snap at her".  

KitT.Kat

blue_elle:

"Mom, we're concerned about your health, especially after you had to stay in the hospital last year. We've discussed it and decide we aren't comfortable having you watch the baby alone. We'll be happy to visit with the baby as often as possible though"

Rinse and repeat until mom gets it. 

It's not going to be fun telling your mother this over and over again but there is no sense getting into a heated argument everytime she brings it up when you both want to "win". It's your child and you get to decide how to raise it and that's all there is to it.

mybobofo

I have a mom that constantly oversteps, too.  She moved in with us after the first baby - the plan was for a month, ended up she wanted to stay a year.  To "help" us.  I don't exactly trust her with the baby alone, 24/7 either for various reasons.

What we ended up doing with my mom is that someone would be home with the baby all the time.  She would "babysit" but we'd be in the next room.  After a while she backed off when she realized that we could handle things.  

I did, however, say some not-so-nice (but honest) things that affected our relationship greatly.  Some were honest and helpful, some honest and just hurtful.  We haven't been as close since, and sometimes I wish I could have handled it differently, but I did the best that I could. 

My advice from experience: Let her have her fun while you're preggo.  She can't very well babysit while the baby is inside.  Try to ignore her and relax.  After all, it doesn't matter what SHE SAYS she's going to do.  What matters is what YOU CHOOSE after the baby is born.  I would try not to hurt her feelings too badly.  You may want help at your house - even if it's just for a nap.  After the baby is born, however, make sure that you are making the decisions and draw the line in the sand if you have to.  Just think about what you say before you say it.  "I'm just not comfortable being away from my little one all night," comes off very differently from, "Mom, you're completely unstable and I can't trust you with my baby." 

mybobofo

Oh, I forgot to add: If you want to address her health issues, do it.  But I would address them once, not repeatedly. Make her aware of your concerns and light it with, "We want you to be around for a long time, so you can see our LO grow up."  After that, drop the subject.  

No matter how many times you tell someone you're concerned, you can't make the changes for them. 

Tink1704

Well shes been saying these things since we started trying 3 years. But I think with the increased hormones I just couldnt take it. I was so upset with how she talked to my dads gf that i hadmy dad call her and set her straight, then my hubby called herfrom Florida and told her that who we have watch our child is our decision not hers. She immaturely hung up. She then sent me a txt saying shes hurt that she wont get to babysit. I txt her back saying that she could come over and help out/watch the kid while I cleaned house and that it was still a ways away that she didnt need to get upset nor get me upset. And of course she called half my family to say that I called her a bad mother! I never said anything close. I wish we lived a long ways away so we had an excuse as to why we made our decision. I love her but her drama is really pushing my buttons. We have never been close and this is causing it to get much worse. Thankfully im flying down friday to meet the hubby in FL for our anniversary because I need a breakfrom her.

PrimRoseMama

blue_elle:

"Mom, we're concerned about your health, especially after you had to stay in the hospital last year. We've discussed it and decide we aren't comfortable having you watch the baby alone. We'll be happy to visit with the baby as often as possible though"

Rinse and repeat until mom gets it. 

I would agree with this.

OP, I'd be prepared for your mother to be very very hurt by this. I do understand where you are coming from, but sadly your decision may come across to your mother as judgmental as her fitness as a human being and grandmother.  

She absolutely needs to take better care of herself for her own sake, but she looks forward to babysitting. The risks of her being incapacitated are just about the same as anyone else who is living. However, the bottom line is that you are uncomfortable and that is it. Your kid, your rules, your way. 

Maybe this could be the little push she needs to get over the hump to look out for herself .If not for herself then for her grandbaby. I do think this is sad though.  

Lissa832

I absolutely agree with your decision. With that said, you're 6 weeks. You have a long way to go. Deal with it when it gets closer to time. She's not going to hear what you are saying because she's excited, so when the time comes, be firm.

CaraLynn91

sheacox:

Wow this is a lot of drama and to only be 5 weeks pregnant. I do not envy your next 35 weeks. Good luck op. 

 This, good luck! She reminds me a lot of my in laws, and it's not easy. You just have to put your foot down. 

toomanycats1

It sounds to me like you're passing alot of judgement on your mother, and don't have alot of respect for her.  YOU should have called and talked to her, not your husband and father.  IMO that was an immature move, and your mother has a right to be hurt.  You're going around telling family (your dad) that she's being a problem... she's just going and doing the same now.  Not mature on either one of your parts. 

FWIW.  My 78 year old grandmother watch my son a few times a month, along with my 80 year old grandfather.  She is older and could have a health crisis any time... anyone could.  The relationship they have with DS now I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.  Would it really kill you to let your mom watch the baby for a half hour here and there while you "run out quick".  

I think you would have got alot further talking to your mom about your concerns and not having everyone else do it.  Now you've got major hurt feelings and family drama, and that's not good for baby (or your mom's health) either. 

toomanycats1

Didn't see your post before I replied.  But I 100% agree with you Prim :-)

Liz4444

Our hospital has a grandparents class. From what I understand, it teaches the soon to be grandparents that they need to step back and let their children be the parents and how to embrace their new role as grandparents. You should see if your hospital has a class like this.