new to this visitation thing (long-ish)

mccall0113

Ex and i are in the process of divorce.  I currently have sole custody (temporary because of restraining order).  I am having difficulty accepting many things:

1. he uses 3rd party to message me.  I feel this is cowardly and foolish.  All I wan to do is discuss children.  Ex refuses to come to house to pick up children, he sends his parents.  

2. He does not attend any appointments for DS (age 10) including psychiatry, therapy.  Yet he is asking to take DS to separate therapist.  

3.  Demanded me to bring kids to him on Thanksgiving.  I extended him courtesy of visiting with them on this day even though it was outside current arrangement.  Then I had to turn around 10 minutes later and pick son up because he was acting up.  (Who do i call when I can't handle him--no one, I'm the PARENT).  Day after thanksgiving, I had to pick son up 2 hours early from visit.

4. I asked about Christmas time visitation ( and son's bday)  no response.  I also proposed 

 

Needing to vent.  But wondering if I have a case for permanent cole custody. How are we supposed to co-parent if we can't communicate?!?  Will things ever progress with him?  ugh   

cole2144

What is normal visitation like? Does he always take it? Or has the restraining order been in effect since separation? I would not want to communicate with a third party but I would do ALL communication other then at pick up or drop off over email.

mom2one

When I had a restraining order against my ex he wasn't even allowed to contact me, even by 3rd party. I would imagine he CAN'T talk to you about the kids?

CurlyQ284

mom2one:

When I had a restraining order against my ex he wasn't even allowed to contact me, even by 3rd party. I would imagine he CAN'T talk to you about the kids?

This. Isn't that how restraining orders work? Even if you contact him, he will be in violation. So...

Littlejen22

CurlyQ284:

mom2one:

When I had a restraining order against my ex he wasn't even allowed to contact me, even by 3rd party. I would imagine he CAN'T talk to you about the kids?

This. Isn't that how restraining orders work? Even if you contact him, he will be in violation. So...

Good point. If he contacts you he violated order and you take him back to court for it. I am assuming the Restraining order is justified but he cannot win here. And no, refusing to talk directly to the other parent is no reason for sole custody, many people on here deal with that. What exactly does the restraining order say regarding contact?

jnjmommy0609

I have tons of questions myself because I assume you have a restraining order against him. 

As far as I am concerned there is one kind of restraining order. That would be a no contact restraining order. How is he supposed to do any parenting without contact?

3 and 4 are not reasons for sole custody. 

mccall0113

Clarification:  No contact order has been lifted.  Currently there is a no harass in effect until end of this month.  We are allowed to text about the children.  He is allowed to come to the house to pick children up but he sends his parents He visits with DS Thursdays for 2 hours and with DD wednesdays for 2 hours and 7 hours on Saturday.  Sometimes he takes DS on Saturdays.  He is living in a bachelor pad with his BFF from high school so no over night visits until he obtains suitable housing.  For now my son can define to go, but this will not always be the case.  I anticipate this becoming a problem.  

CFjo2010

mccall0113:

Clarification:  No contact order has been lifted.  Currently there is a no harass in effect until end of this month.  We are allowed to text about the children.  He is allowed to come to the house to pick children up but he sends his parents  

Sounds to me like he's just protecting himself.  I'm not saying that you are the type to immediately run out and obtain a TRO and fabricate things in order to get one.  But it sounds like he has received legal advice (sound legal advice at that) and is making it so that nothing he says/does can be construed as harassment in any way.  I have had plenty of clients over the years who have had TRO's against them at one point and we always recommend that they either have someone else with them during the exchanges or ask someone else to get the kids for them.  Having his parents do the pick up of the kids isn't necessarily a bad thing.  To be honest, I much prefer when BM isn't around during exchanges with K and we deal only with Gma.  I'm not trying to compare you to the BM that I am dealing with, just trying to provide some outside points of view. 

As for having to pick the kids up shortly after dropping them off or picking them up early:  Don't do it.  I might get flamed for this, but if the CO specifies that he is to have the children at certain times, that's it.  If he asks you to come get them simply respond with, "The CO states that you have the children from X-Y, and unfortunately I cannot get them right now.  I will be there at Y per the CO."  What's he going to do?  Drop them off on your doorstep if you're not home?

 

mccall0113

Thanks for the sensible response!  I worry about my son because ex was forceful with him after a melt down.... which led to the OP.  I'm just exhausted but this is only the beginning.  I am coming to terms with the fact there are so many things out of my control.  Sigh.  ( No harass order expires at midnight.  Divorce agreement signed today.)

mom2one

If you signed an agreement, why were you worried about sole custody? It sounds like you have worked it out? Having sole custody doesn't really protect you from a crazy ex...trust me!