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TTC After a Loss
Josiecat
member
An open letter to God and anyone else who would like to listen.
Josiecat
member
I remember going on birth control to protect myself from having to make a tough decision. Little did I know that those ?decisions? would be decided for me, and now here I am begging you to let me hold on to the life that I am very much choosing to bring in to this world.
I was never like this. Angry, jealous, filled with despair, hopelessness, and utter disappointment. Having had what is now my third loss has done nothing but bring out the worst in me. I hate it. I?m embarrassed by my moods and the terrible inner thoughts that run circles through my head. Do you think I like looking at a pregnant woman and then picturing myself screaming at her, blaming her for stealing my chance at having a child? It?s not even rational. Yet I do it a hundred times over in my head. Every day.
I can?t sleep at night. I keep thinking to myself, ?if only the first baby had lived, what would he/she be doing now?? I toss and turn. I have nightmares that I am holding a baby and I drop her. I have dreams where I am pregnant. I wake up and all I have is burning sensation in my chest. I?m exhausted.
Do you have any idea what it is like? To be a woman and have nothing but an empty womb? I feel like a failure. What kind of wife am I, that I can?t even give my husband a child? I see images everywhere of fathers with their daughters, fathers with their sons. Why can?t I give good news to my husband? It?s been torture. ?I?m bleeding? ?I have cramps? ?I think I?m losing the baby. Again.? Constantly. Over and over. Why can?t I ever give him positive news?
I cry when I see parents yelling at their children. I want to kick them in the knees and yell at them and remind them that they are so goddam lucky to have these wonderful gifts standing, breathing, right there in front of them. Why won?t they appreciate what they have? How is it that the homeless woman that goes through my garbage each night, dragging her son and daughter along, was able to have not one, but two healthy pregnancies? This isn?t me. I don?t normally go around saying that I deserve something over someone else. I hate myself for it. It?s embarrassing.
This is what I have turned into.
Go ahead. Tell me all the stories of women who were so strong and lived through 7 miscarriages to have that healthy child. I don?t care. I?m not that strong. I?m beaten down and defeated and I feel like a fool for having even tried a second and third time to begin with. I don?t care that you have a friend who has been through a miscarriage and she knows what I?m going through and would I like her to call me? Save your breath. I hate her already. No one knows what I am going through.
This is me now. Angry at anyone who even tries to help.
I can?t even hold a baby anymore. It just makes me cry. I don?t look at new life and feel hope and joy. I look and I ask ?why not me?. I throw tantrums and I storm out of places if there are too many children. I don?t enjoy walking down the street because it reminds me that there are things in life that no matter how much I work, how much money I make, and how much I try, I just can?t have.
Coworkers bring their children in to the office, and what do I do? I run right over to them, grab their hands, and hug them. I pretend for just a moment that they are my children. I parade them around to others and proudly introduce them. When people ask ?oh is she yours? sometimes I pretend not to hear so that I can answer ?yes? in my head.
And while I?m at it. Happy holidays indeed. From my empty uterus to your happy, perfect family.
There.
I was never like this. Angry, jealous, filled with despair, hopelessness, and utter disappointment. Having had what is now my third loss has done nothing but bring out the worst in me. I hate it. I?m embarrassed by my moods and the terrible inner thoughts that run circles through my head. Do you think I like looking at a pregnant woman and then picturing myself screaming at her, blaming her for stealing my chance at having a child? It?s not even rational. Yet I do it a hundred times over in my head. Every day.
I can?t sleep at night. I keep thinking to myself, ?if only the first baby had lived, what would he/she be doing now?? I toss and turn. I have nightmares that I am holding a baby and I drop her. I have dreams where I am pregnant. I wake up and all I have is burning sensation in my chest. I?m exhausted.
Do you have any idea what it is like? To be a woman and have nothing but an empty womb? I feel like a failure. What kind of wife am I, that I can?t even give my husband a child? I see images everywhere of fathers with their daughters, fathers with their sons. Why can?t I give good news to my husband? It?s been torture. ?I?m bleeding? ?I have cramps? ?I think I?m losing the baby. Again.? Constantly. Over and over. Why can?t I ever give him positive news?
I cry when I see parents yelling at their children. I want to kick them in the knees and yell at them and remind them that they are so goddam lucky to have these wonderful gifts standing, breathing, right there in front of them. Why won?t they appreciate what they have? How is it that the homeless woman that goes through my garbage each night, dragging her son and daughter along, was able to have not one, but two healthy pregnancies? This isn?t me. I don?t normally go around saying that I deserve something over someone else. I hate myself for it. It?s embarrassing.
This is what I have turned into.
Go ahead. Tell me all the stories of women who were so strong and lived through 7 miscarriages to have that healthy child. I don?t care. I?m not that strong. I?m beaten down and defeated and I feel like a fool for having even tried a second and third time to begin with. I don?t care that you have a friend who has been through a miscarriage and she knows what I?m going through and would I like her to call me? Save your breath. I hate her already. No one knows what I am going through.
This is me now. Angry at anyone who even tries to help.
I can?t even hold a baby anymore. It just makes me cry. I don?t look at new life and feel hope and joy. I look and I ask ?why not me?. I throw tantrums and I storm out of places if there are too many children. I don?t enjoy walking down the street because it reminds me that there are things in life that no matter how much I work, how much money I make, and how much I try, I just can?t have.
Coworkers bring their children in to the office, and what do I do? I run right over to them, grab their hands, and hug them. I pretend for just a moment that they are my children. I parade them around to others and proudly introduce them. When people ask ?oh is she yours? sometimes I pretend not to hear so that I can answer ?yes? in my head.
And while I?m at it. Happy holidays indeed. From my empty uterus to your happy, perfect family.
There.
BFP #1 - chemical pregnancy, natural miscarriage at 7 weeks on 2/11/12
BFP #2 - u/s at 8 weeks showed a tiny fetal pole measuring at 6 weeks, heart rate slow at 94bpm. Natural miscarriage a few days later on 4/15/12
August 2012- Diagnosed with pancreatic divisum, September - ERCP w/stent placement. Fingers crossed this was the issue! Doc gave the go-ahead to start trying again.
BFP #3 - Chemical pregnancy ending a few days after Thanksgiving 2012. Clearly my pancreas was not the issue. Doc told us to try one more time.
BFP #4 - Chemical pregnancy ending in January 2013. Now I'm pissed.
February- meeting with RE. Test results show I have a low egg reserve and DH has severely messed up sperm. Docs are quite confused as to how we're getting pregnant to begin with. Let the IVF games begin!!
April - stim time!! 7R, 6F via ICSI, 5 made it to day 5, 3 look "good enough" to be sent for PGS testing. We are now the proud owners? Parents? Of 2 healthy frozen embryos.
June - ugh. Lupron. So much Lupron. And Aygestin, and Estrogen, and Progesterone suppositories. Things are going in to my body every way possible!
July 25- scheduled for our first FET. Aaand huge fail. All of the estrogen gave my pancreas a good old fashioned hissy fit. Long story short, moving on to gestational carrier.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: An open letter to God and anyone else who would like to listen.
BFP: 2/4/13 EDD: 10/11/13
Patiently waiting for Buggirl to join me!!
Beta #1 11dpo:89 Progesterone:38.9 Beta #2 18dpo:1940
HB seen at 6w HB 8w 5d 176bpm! Its a BOY!
grow rainbow grow!!!!
All Always Welcome!!
[spoiler] My Blog: Grow Baby Grow
BFP #1: 12/2009 m/c 1/2010 BFP #2: 6/2010 m/c 8/2010
BFP #3: 10/2011 ectopic 11/2011 (right tube removed, learned left tube was probably nonfunctional due to scar tissue from infection after m/c)
3 failed IUIs, IVF #1: 18R, 12M, 10F, 3 poor quality 5d embryos transferred= BFP #4!!!!!
Betas: 9dp5dt: 64 ~14dp5dt: 91 (expecting miscarriage, doubling time of 236 hours) ~16dp5dt: 200~18dp5dt: 500
First Ultrasound at 6w2d revealed two sacs, only one with a heartbeat
LK arrived after 42 weeks on August 14, 2013! Beautiful, healthy, and happy!
TTC#2: IVF booked for April 2015
Surprise BFP#5 February 19, 2015 EDD: November 2, 2015
Betas: 10dpo: 10, 14dpo: 77, 17dpo: 270
First Ultrasound at 5w1d showed a miracle UTE baby! And right ovary ovulation to left fallopian tube.
JD arrived at 38 weeks on October 20, 2015.
TTC #3: Since October 2017. BFP #6 July 2, 2018 EDD: March 16, 2019 [/spoiler]
TTC since March 2010 ~ Dx Unexplained IF September 2011
2011: IUI + Clomid = CP#1
2012: 3 more IUIs + Clomid = 3 more CPs. One on-our-own pg, also CP
2013: BTB IUI + Lupron/Follistim/Prometrium/PIO = CP #6
IF testing, RPL testing, Autoimmune testing = all normal
So lost.
Like Laurakat said, very well written. Big hugs!
9/13/12 BFP 9/25/12 M/C at 6.5 weeks
***All AL'ers Welcome***
The "pretending their my children" ... I do that. I've hit that point where baby stealing doesn't seem so unreasonable....
BFP#1 10/1/2011. Our perfect little girl, Her heart stopped @ 12w1d. D&E 11/23/11
BFP#2 3/13/12 Weird CP/Possible EP @ 6w0d
BFP#3 5/28/12 CP @ 5w0d
BFP/WTF#4 10/26/12 CP
BFP#5 12/10/12 EDD 8/23/2013
TTC Since 8/2011
BFP #1 5/13/12 * EDD 1/24/13 * MC at 7 wks 4 days on 6/11/12
BFP #2 5/13/13 * Current EDD 1/23/14
Baby N born 2/8/14
Thank you for posting this. I feel this way and it is so nice to know that I'm not the only irrationally angry/frustrated/confused one.
Sending good vibes and prayers your way!
Check out my blog.
BFP #3: 2/14/13 EDD:10/16/2013 (Please stick little one)
This. I'm really sorry, hugs
BFP #2: 6/29/12, EDD: 3/8/13, Natural M/C: 7/16/12 @ 6 weeks 2 days
Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, Hypothyroidism
BFP #3: Kendall Grace, born 9/30/13
BFP #4: 9/3/14, EDD: 5/16/15, Missed M/C: 10/6/14 @ 8 weeks 2 days, D&C: 10/8/14
Never in our arms, forever in our hearts
I'm really sorry and sending lots of squishy hugs, though I know they only help in a very limited way. It seems horribly, excruciatingly ironic that so many of us spend years trying not to get pg and then have to spend years desperately trying for the opposite.
BFP 08/05/12. EDD 4/15/12 m/c 08/27/12
PGAL/PAL Welcome
BFP #3 -mm/c @ 7wks, discovered at 9wks, D&C 9/28
BFP #4 5/29 EDD 2/9 - please be our rainbow
Wow, this x100. ((huge hugs))
I know there's nothing I can say to make it better, just know that you are not alone.
BFP #1 11/18/11 - m/c 12/24/11 blighted ovum - EDD 08/01/12
BFP #2 08/04/12 - m/c 08/29/12 no answers - EDD 04/17/13
BFP #3 10/01/12 - m/c 10/30/12 uniparental disomy - EDD 06/04/13
BFP #4 04/12/13 - EDD 12/22/13 It's a GIRL!
compound heterozygous MTHFR - All AL Welcome
Love is multiplied: DS #1: 1.5.99 ~ DS #2: 9.23.11 ~ DD 8.29.13
m/c 11/12/12 - sleep tight baby bean.
Bitty Baby #4, please stick around - we already love you so very much!
Ultrasound 11/4 - TWO HEARTBEATS!!!
Ladies, you all rock. Seriously. I'm sorry we're here, but I'm glad we're here together.
And Jenek0213, you couldn't have said it better. This gig DOES suck.
4 Losses (2003, 2008, Apr 2012, & Oct 2012)
All RPL and IF testing with multiple REs = normal
5 IUIs = BFN
All AL are welcome
***BFP 1-22-13, baby boy dx with Trisomy 13 at 15 weeks.
We let him go to Heaven on 4-27-13 at 17 weeks 1 day***
I literally could have written this myself. Word for word.
I know it is slightly irrational, but I hate everyone that is happy right now. I hate everyone who is pregnant. Everyone who has just had a baby. I hate them all. I just get so angry it is ridiculous. I know it is ridiculous but I don't care. that's how I feel. I want to scream at people.
I was so pissed off the other day at the doctors office. Some lady was in there with her maybe 2 year old daughter and the kid was playing with the books and toys that are there for them to play with and the mom was threatening the kid saying she was going to get her papaw to bring a yard stick and whoop her with it....I was like seriously wtf!! It took all I had not to yell at her. She has this precious gift and she is threatening to beat her over nothing. I wanted to beat her with a yard stick and knock some sense into her. Stupid ass ungrateful parent.
BFP#1 April 12, 2011, EDD December 24, 2011, strong heart beat at 7w3d, d&c at 10w6d
BFP#2 Oct 24, 2011, natural miscarriage, EDD unknown
After RPL testing my losses and subsequent infertility are considered unexplained.
Cycle #22: Femara, TI, and progesterone = BFP!!
BFP#3 Dec 21, 2012. Beta #1 @14dpo = 134, progesterone 67.8. Beta #2 @ 17dpo = 664! Team green, EDD 9/1/13, healthy baby boy born 9/12/13!
Congratulations to the fabulous KGS2003! Her sweet boys are here! Grow boys grow!!!