Late Term and Child Loss

Made it through Thanksgiving...now the next holiday hurdle

I feel like I have so many hurdles ahead.  I knew Thanksgiving was going to be rough..I made it through with only a few crying episodes.  It has always been my favorite holiday but this year I was just so sad.  The following day I drank so much wine that I threw up.  Now I need to get through Christmas and I'm trying to be strong for ds and fake being in the spirit as best I can, but it's exhausting and it's only just begun.  Shortly after the holidays before I know it February will be here along with my EDD.  I wish I could sleep through all of the upcoming hurdles and pain.  : (  How are you all handling the holidays?  Any advice on how best to work through them?
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BFP#1 - 11/27/09 EDD 8/5/10, DS1 arrived 7/24/10 via emergency c-section.

BFP#2 - 6/18/12 EDD 2/23/13, sweet baby girl born sleeping on 10/4/12 at 19 weeks, 3 days.

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BFP #4 - 8/29/13 EDD 5/12/14, our sweet rainbow, DS2 born 4/29/14 via c-section

Re: Made it through Thanksgiving...now the next holiday hurdle

  • It is difficult. I did okay during Thanksgiving, but Christmas will be very difficult for me. By Christmas, I was feeling her move and had started to show and wear maternity clothes. We put up our tree over the weekend and it killed me that she wasn't there watching me. I was going to show her each ornament and tell her its significance. It really hurt to pull out old ornaments from my childhood, including one that said "Baby's First Christmas." I also hung the ornament of a pregnant couple my mom got us last year. I cried a lot, but I made it through. We haven't gotten her a specific ornament but we will get a new angel tree topper that will represent her. Basically, I just want to find more ways to honor her life and her place in our family.


      Our Angel Patricia born sleeping 3/30/12 at 31 weeks
    Our Fighter Anna born early 1/8/13 at 26 weeks
    Hoping to bring home #3 due 9/9/15
  • I really don't want anything to do with Christmas this year.  I was supposed to have a little girl here to buy presents for and celebrate with.  Instead we just have so much sadness.

    The other night my husband asked if we were going to put a tree up this year, and I said "I don't think so".  I have already turned down an invitation to a holiday party with friends.  I was really showing this time last year, and it was all starting to feel so real.  I know my husband wants to see his family, but I can not even imagine going to his sister's home and watching her two little girls open Christmas gifts.  

    I think I am really worried about what people will think of me for not going to family events.  Others have moved on and they probably think I should have too.

    So I guess I am handling the holidays by avoiding them.  I am also waiting for the big blow up between my husband and I, when he tries to get me to go see his family.    

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    BFP #1 Jan. 2011 - mmc Mar. 2011 
    BFP #2 Aug. 2011 - My sleeping angel Stella, born April 21, 2012 
    BFP #3 Nov. 2012 - mmc Dec. 2012
    BFP #4 April 2013 - mc May 2013
    BFP #5 Sept. 2013 - EDD 5.24.14
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  • Thanksgiving for me was horrible. (This will probably get long)  It started when DH told me last Tuesday that he was going to have to work on Friday so we weren't able to go up to my family's for Thanksgiving like we had planned.  I really didn't want to go to his family's because we were there last year with Corbin and I was yearning for something different but it was what it was.  DH called his mom tell her we were coming and ask what we needed to bring.  She told me mashed potatoes.  That's what I was told to bring last year.  I remember being up at 4am feeding Corbin and then peeling and dicing 10lbs of potatoes.  Cue the crying over doing what I did last year (but not at 4am).  DH finally got up and I went to take a shower and get ready.  I came downstairs and he had the parade on.  I made him turn it off because last year I sat on the couch holding Corbin and explaining what everything was to him. 

    Went to his parents.  His crazy cousin cornered me and asked me questions I didn't want to answer but she kept pressing (she always corners me, I must attract crazy).  Then the family member that lead the prayer brought up Corbin and I lost it (and of course DH was on the phone with work outside so he wasn't by my side).  I went and stood outside for a while and lost it.  Told DH how I kept thinking about the stupid turkey hat we had Corbin wear that my MIL bought for him.  

    4:15am Friday morning DH wakes me up and tells me he has to go to work.  He didn't get home till 6:20pm and then because he was awake for almost 48 hours, crashed.  Had to work Saturday and Sunday too.  We have 2 cars but mine barely runs (I hardly leave the house) so I couldn't leave and go anywhere because DH might have to go into the office at a moment's notice.  I hardly saw him all weekend and if I did, he was either working, sleeping or pissy because he was so tired.

    I keep telling myself Christmas HAS to be better than it was last year.  Long story short - we were 3 weeks out from Corbin, my grandma almost went to join Corbin and my grandpa was almost scammed out of $3k (he wasn't thank goodness but was close).  I'm not looking forward to it and DH doesn't want to flip the holidays around so I won't get to see my family on Christmas either.  

    The best advise I can give is to do whatever you need to do to get you through the day.  If that means going nowhere and seeing no one than do it.  If that means surrounding yourself with people then do it.  DH and I took several walks to get away and breakdown.  I'm also a fan of having a code word with DH.  Whenever it gets too bad for either one of us, we tell each other the code word and know that we're leaving and leaving now.   

     

    In memory of Corbin Scott 10/28/11-12/3/11. Heaven got another angel the night you left this world behind Heaven got a little better the day it took you away from me Missing you tonight, see you again sometime For now I'll close my eyes and dream of heaven tonight I'll love you forever I'll like you for always Now and Forever My baby you'll be

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  • imageBayberry12:

    So I guess I am handling the holidays by avoiding them.  I am also waiting for the big blow up between my husband and I, when he tries to get me to go see his family.    

    ((hugs)) I can understand it would be really difficult to watch your nieces open Christmas gifts when your Stella should be there too. Does your husband's family live far away? Could you just stop by for a meal and not be there for the whole big show? I hope they will be understanding. I find that if everyone just acknowledges something is difficult for me, I can usually get through. It's when I have to put on a brave face and pretend like everything is business as usual that I break down.



      Our Angel Patricia born sleeping 3/30/12 at 31 weeks
    Our Fighter Anna born early 1/8/13 at 26 weeks
    Hoping to bring home #3 due 9/9/15
  • I have no advice, but wanted to share a lovely comment I heard this morning...

    Someone at my work said how excited she was to drop her kids off at daycare, and that 4 days with them was too much. I know she loves her kids, and didn't mean it to hurt me, but I won't ever get 4 days with Bradley.

    Thinking of all you loss mommies!
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  • Thanksgiving was definitely not easy this year.  I live 8 hours from my parents, where we went for Thanksgiving.  For the past 10 months, I was picturing us driving home with a baby in the back seat, and showing him off to all our family and friends back home.  On the drive out, it really hit me...seeing that empty backseat.  It was even harder when we set up the Christmas tree with my siblings.  Seeing those cute ornaments that we made when we were little, knowing that I would never get one of those from Isaac.  I had all these holidays plans in my mind, and what we were going to do with our sweet baby.  So doing these things with empty arms, it really hits hard. 

    As a Christian, although I've had many times where I just can't seem to handle what has happened, I've been experiencing a sense of peace only God can give.  I'm reading a book called "Be Still, My Soul" edited by Nancy Guthrie.  In the second chapter, written by Philip Yancey, it says, "Pain, God's megaphone, can drive me away from faith.  I can hate God for allowing such misery.  Or, on the other hand, it can drive me to God.  I can believe the promise that this world is not all there is, and take the chance that God is making a perfect place for those who follow him on pain-wracked earth."  This is such an incredible book, and I would recommend it to anyone that's going through any sort of pain or suffering.

  • imagemeli1025:
    I feel like I have so many hurdles ahead.  I knew Thanksgiving was going to be rough..I made it through with only a few crying episodes.  It has always been my favorite holiday but this year I was just so sad.  The following day I drank so much wine that I threw up.  Now I need to get through Christmas and I'm trying to be strong for ds and fake being in the spirit as best I can, but it's exhausting and it's only just begun.  Shortly after the holidays before I know it February will be here along with my EDD.  I wish I could sleep through all of the upcoming hurdles and pain.  : (  How are you all handling the holidays?  Any advice on how best to work through them?

    I understand the desire, especially with your ds, to be strong but I say don't fake being in the spirit.  He can still have a very good Christmas even with you not being excited about the holiday. I've told my DH that I am not looking forward to Christmas. I had way to many ideas on what this Christmas was going to be like and everything about it is going to be painful. I was pushing to just stay home and not go down to MIL's house at all (it's a 2 hour drive and we come back the same day).  I was able to negotiate that to a commitment that we are absolutely leaving at 9PM (instead of close to midnight).  He is looking forward to Christmas and I did not want to totally take away his joy in the holiday but it is important for him to know that I am not 100%.


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  • The holidays were brutal last year. I distinctly remember wanting to wake up and have it be April (my due date was March 3). We spent Thanksgiving at a large family gathering, 3 weeks post loss. No one said a word. I've never felt so tortured in my life. I felt like we had to fake it for DD too... we decorated the house, we made cookies, we wrapped gifts. When I look back at the holiday pictures we took, you'd probably never know we were a family in grief, but I can see the misery on our faces.

    I drank a lot on Christmas. It was the only way I could get through it. In fact, I drank a lot that whole month. I think if you can get through enough of it for DS to have some Christmas fun, you're doing awfully good. Don't worry about the adults; who cares if they can see that you're miserable? You lost your baby- you should be miserable. In my support group last year we talked a lot about just "surviving" the holidays. Don't worry about making them perfect or even making them like last year. Just get through them, and that is enough.

    As far a social obligations go, decline decline decline! If that's what you feel like you need to do, then do it. We skipped every Christmas party last year. We didn't send Christmas cards. The one thing we did do was go to a Christmas concert because we had already prepurchased tickets- HUGE mistake. Once they started singing about Mary's "little baby boy" I lost it. The fewer obligations you sign yourself up for the less stress they will cause.

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