Attachment Parenting

AP response to tantrums

Hi. I am new on this board, and this is my first pregnancy. I am trying to learn more about AP because I really like a lot of the philosophy, but I am not completely clear on all of it. 

On Thanksgiving Day, my 4-year-old nephew (who will be 5 in January) threw a temper tantrum when he asked for a cookie and his mom told him no because he had already eaten enough sweets that day. He was crying and carrying on. She explained that it was going to make him sick, and told him he could possibly have something later, but he still screamed and cried. I'm just wondering how attachment parenting would approach this. I have read from other sources that tantrums from toddlers are not because they are being bratty, but because they have a need that's not being met, and perhaps they need food, or attention, or they are over-stimulated. What about in the case of my nephew? Thanks for your responses.  

Re: AP response to tantrums

  • Meh, AP's or not sometimes toddlers are going to throw tantrums because they want their way. It's our job as parents to teach them the appropriate ways to show those wants/frustrations and teach them that just because they want a cookie now, does not mean they get a cookie now. 

     I think there is also a difference between a 1 year old toddler throwing a tantrum because they need something (like an emotional connect) or are over-stimulated, vs a 4 year old wanting something. He doesn't need the cookie, he wants the cookie and is pissed/upset he didn't get it. It's a first step to becoming fully human and realizing you dont always get what you want. 

  • Yes, thank you. I totally agree. He was definitely throwing the tantrum because he was angry about not getting his way. It's good to note the distinction between young toddlers and 4 or 5 year olds.
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  • That sounds like a pretty AP response to me. Even as young as my LO is, I handle "tantrums" (we're lucky that so far his tantrums are very mild- hardly real tantrums) by saying "I understand you are angry/sad/disappointed/not happy because ____ but ____ is not /acceptable/going to happen/for you. Your choices are ____ or ____."

    I would not consider a 4/5yo a toddler by any means, but I definitely think that's an age that's still learning to differentiate big deal from not a big deal. I would validate that he feels very upset and that he really really wants that cookie, but still say no.

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  • IMO a 4 year old is not a toddler anymore. Holidays can be hard on kids and I'm generally extra gracious about sweets at parties. Although if my kid carried on about a cookie I would remove her from the party and give her time to calm down in another room. It's near impossible for kids to regain control of themselves while in the middle of everything.
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  • I think that she handled the situation well, AP or not.  Yelling, spanking or threatening would be inappropriate in my opinion.  Parents are often able to read their children's emotions better than a bystander, and can tell when it is a tantrum versus needing something more.   

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  • I'm sorry if I implied that I thought a toddler was the same as a 4 or 5 year old. I definitely see the difference, which was kind of why I asked the question, because I wanted to see if the response varied for older kids. Does AP primarily deal with babies and toddlers? 

    I agree that removing the child from the situation and letting him calm down would be best. Thanks for all of your responses.  

  • The goal with AP is to create a kid that is secure, confident, and able to self regulate. So while it continues on throughout raising your kids, it doesn't keep including cosleeping and slings for ever.

    All my experience is with my 18 month old. He's at the point now where he figured out that we KNOW what he wants and aren't giving it to him. That can be infuriating! I try to let him be angry and loud and frustrated, and then I offer a hug. It's kind of funny to watch him be SO MAD that I won't give him something, then accept my cuddle to calm down, but I think that shows that he is pretty securely attached.

    And I agree that kids of all parenting styles melt down in some situations. Especially long days with lots of sugar.

  • Ignore.  if you are hungry you can have:  (insert other food here) ____________

    ap isn't about giving your kid everything they want and letting them be a whiny brat. I value what the continuum concept (book) has to say about discipline

     https://www.continuum-concept.org/reading/whosInControl.html

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  • imagetokenhoser:

    All my experience is with my 18 month old. He's at the point now where he figured out that we KNOW what he wants and aren't giving it to him. That can be infuriating! I try to let him be angry and loud and frustrated, and then I offer a hug. It's kind of funny to watch him be SO MAD that I won't give him something, then accept my cuddle to calm down, but I think that shows that he is pretty securely attached.

    This sounds like my 19 month old through & through.  I do the same thing & just offer her a hug that she readily accepts. 

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